The Great Energy Drink Review Roundup 2008!

This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.

Power Up! Energy Drink (8 oz)

Description: I bet a lot of you boneheads out there assumed Nintendo would be satisfied resting on its laurels, content to cash checks from Wii and DS sales. Well I must implore you to think again, as this creative Japanese conglomerate has decided to branch out and manufacture its very own energy drink! Their cheery, upbeat beverage features Nintendo mascot "Mario" doing something vague with a red mushroom. Hey, I think I played that game with "Mario" in it! This energy drink reminds me of when I was young, so therefore I should purchase and enjoy it while recalling such fond childhood memories as "the time I crammed a giant dog turd into a plastic Easter egg and threw it at some guy without a shirt washing his car."

As for the drink itself? It's essentially a monumental failure of Virtual Boy proportions. Imagine a bunch of smashed up Smarties dissolved in 7-Up for a week, served by a bartender who suffers from some kind of flying sperm disorder. POWER UP tastes like a liquid clown, crashing into your brain with a distinct chemical headache aftertaste. Such an absolute lack of quality caught me completely off-guard, especially considering the lofty standards Wii game publishers must meet to obtain a Nintendo Seal of Quality sticker. For example, your box must contain something inside of it. I'm not sure what the other requirements are. The can aids your purchasing skill by thoughtfully spelling out "ENERGY DRINK" in big yellow letters, undoubtedly to prevent lawsuits from people under the impression they were buying a tiny living Mario creature inside a can.

Energy Composition: 1000mg of Taurine, in addition to the standard amounts of caffeine and the B-vitamin family. It doesn't specify what percentage of the drink is actually used pool cue chalk, but I estimate there's "a lot."

Rating: 3 / 10

rip it (POWER) (16 oz)

Description: Bucking the trend of ALL CAPITAL LETTERS USED TO EXPERIENCE THE RAW SENSATION OF A FAT MAN SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE AND ASKING IF YOU WANT A HOT DOG, rip it employs the rather unconventional, highly Livejournal "all lowercase" cliché. Perhaps the exciting taste of rip it speaks so strongly for itself that they don't need uppercase letters? Of course not; it would be ridiculous to believe an energy drink with such an embarrassing design doesn't contain the scientific equivalent of stale goat urine.

This energy concoction distinctly specifies the word "POWER" below its name, perhaps so people do not confuse it with "rip it (FARTS IN A VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS MEETING)" or "rip it (A JURY DUTY NOTICE)." Or perhaps "POWER" refers to "the power to instantly stop drinking all liquids," because that's what this beverage causes. I'd award rip it with bonus points for failing to leave any gritty, barfy aftertaste, but unfortunately the initial taste is so offensive that it doesn't matter. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, stumbling to your refrigerator, and mistakenly chugging a bottle of carbonated antacid medication for elderly dogs. As a wonderful bonus, the can additionally features a decoration depicting a horse attempting to murder itself.

Energy Composition: 2000mg Taurine, 100% daily folic acid. Folic acid is the retarded, neglected cousin of vitamins B-6 and B-12, the chemical that helps your brain make a decision when your friend asks if you want to smell the back of his hand (hint: no, you don't).

Rating: 2 / 10

Brawndo (16 oz)

Description: Some lady from some marketing joint recently sent me an email asking if I would like her to mail me some free cans of Brawndo, an energy drink inspired / derived from the Mike Judge cult hit "Idiocracy." I replied with a message along the lines of "hell yes," because I enjoy both the movie "Idiocracy" and products provided to me for free. I actively encourage all companies out there to follow suit and ship me crap for no real justifiable reason whatsoever. I'm sure you can figure out a way to write it off your taxes. Claim a warehouse caught fire and burned it down or something. That's what I said when the government asked why I listed 17 Mexican children as dependents.

Brawndo's greatest asset lies in its uncanny resemblance to a can of Brawndo. It's as if you're drinking a piece of a movie, and who doesn't suffer from the starry-eyed AIDS when it comes to living in Tinseltown? The drink itself tastes like a watered down, pussy version of Mountain Dew, in nearly the same shade of radioactive celery. The can has various hilarious lines from the movie written all over it, specifically to satisfy all those people out there restlessly clamoring for a beverage container able to quote films. Brawndo's leaves a slight aftertaste of lemon-lime Gatorade mixed with a pound of salt (not table salt, I'm talking about the salt international airports use to de-ice the runways).

Energy Composition: 200mg caffeine, 400mg sodium, 200mg Inositol, 1000mg Taurine. Brain love them chemicals!

Rating: 8 / 10 (would be 7/10, but obtained an extra point through the sheer merit of "being free")