E-Mails From Grandma

Subject: FWD: HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAY
From: GrandmaFarrell@grandmamail.com
Date: Friday, January 26th 2007 at 2:48 PM

hey denny its your grandma! this joke made me IOI as you say. why dont you have good jokes like this on your blogsite? i tried reading it but there's so many words and i can't get past that picture of the grenade. why must a comedy website promote violence? please ask someone to remove that brutal image and replace it with something funny like a talking dog.

-----Forwarded Message-----

A third grade teacher was teaching her students about pilgrims one day.

"Can anyone tell me who taught the pilgrims how to grow corn and survive the harsh winter?"

No one raised their hand.

"Anyone? Who was already living in America when the pilgrims arrived?"

A small hand slowly rose in the back of the classroom. It was Johnny, a cute and inquisitive young boy.

"Yes, Johnny. Do you know the answer?"

Johnny looked up at the teacher with his large brown eyes and he was so precious and innocent and Jesus loved him.

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SUPPORTOURTROOPS - Forward this joke to everyone you know! If 10,000 people get this letter, Bill Gates will personally send you $200 for every soldier killed in Iraq this month.

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Subject: oh god
From: GrandmaFarrell@grandmamail.com
Date: Friday, January 26th 2007 at 2:52 PM

denny its your grandma are you watching the news oh god whats going on

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Subject: re: oh god
From: GrandmaFarrell@grandmamail.com
Date: Friday, January 26th 2007 at 2:54 PM

sorry it was just an insurance commercial. it looked like there were cavemen loose in the city, and i was worried about you. i think you should probably come live with me for a few months until this whole thing blows over

this is your grandmother by the way

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Subject: FWD: THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
From: GrandmaFarrell@grandmamail.com
Date: Friday, January 26th 2007 at 3:12 PM

hello denny this is your grandma! this is a joke that someone sent me. it's so observational and true!

-----Forwarded Message-----

THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

1. Women order wine while at fancy parties, but men order BEER!

2. Women have periods and men leave the toilet seat up every GOD DAMN TIME what's that about?

3. Women are smart and read books but men watch FOOTBALL and BURP!

4. Women go through the pain of child birth but men let their buttcracks hang out of their pants EW!

5. Women take forever to put on makeup but men CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES ALL OF THEM DO.

6. Women cry at good movies and men SMELL LIKE SHIT.

7. When women get together they comfort one another and talk about important issues, and when men get together they fight and give each other GAY KISSES in their stupid little garages.

8. Women always land on their feet when dropped from a height but men OGLE OTHER WOMEN'S CLEAVAGE constantly in public.

9. Women can become lawyers and doctors but men can only JERK OFF IN THEIR OWN FACES.

and lastly...

10. Women fake orgasms but men should JUST DIE IN A FIRE ALREADY ARGH.

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Subject: FWD: AN INSPIRATIONAL POEM
From: GrandmaFarrell@grandmamail.com
Date: Friday, January 26th 2007 at 3:18 PM

hi denny this is your grandma! thought you would like this inspirational poem. i know things are going horribly for you since you're really only half of a real writer and you're probably not going to get that book deal, so don't think about killing yourself! the girl who wrote this went through so much and she didn't give up so you can probably hang onto life a little bit longer.

-----Forwarded Message-----

AN INSPIRATIONAL POEM

When birds chirp and the waterfalls flow,
A tear of joy rolls down my cheek and this I know

As the grace of light and purity comes through,
Rainbows, pretzels, kittens, mew mew mew

Even though I was born with no face and just one leg,
I stood on it proudly and refused to beg

My father was a rapist and my mother a retard,
I had to fend for myself and it was very hard

I never gave up and never stopped trying,
Now I have cancer and I am dying

With my last breath as tears roll down my face because I love you,
All I ask is that you Paypal your donations to me at oneleggedfacelesscancergirl@gmail.com

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Subject: FWD: DUMB BLONDE JOKE
From: GrandmaFarrell@grandmamail.com
Date: Friday, January 26th 2007 at 3:25 PM

denny this is your grandma hi. thought you'd get a kick out of this one since you don't have a girlfriend and probably won't for a long time!

-----Forwarded Message-----

DUMB BLONDE JOKE - COME ON BLONDES, SMARTEN UP ALREADY!

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Joe Namath, a black guy, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at the three of them and cocks his head at the sight of such an unusual trio.

"Uh, what can I get you?", he asks.

Joe Namath says, "I'll have a shot of tequila, and keep 'em coming."

"You got it, sir. How about you, black guy?"

The black guy orders something.

"And you?", he asks the blonde.

The blonde crosses her eyes and replies, "DURRR! HURRR! PHHBBT REEEOW!" while smacking herself in the forehead, then she has sex with everyone.

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– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)