And Eat It Too

Dear "Explain In 150 Words Or Less Why You Should Win A Half-Eaten Slice Of Cake" Contest,

Why only 150 words? I could burn through twice as many merely detailing the saliva which has accumulated in my mouth from imagining how the half-eaten slice would taste. It's sort of wet. If I had more room I'd go into greater detail, but that's all you get. You're missing out on a few great adjectives like "viscous" or maybe even "phlegmy". I guess you'll never know thanks to your arbitrary restrictions.

Aaron Jacobs
Altoona, PA

Dear "Explain In 150 Words Or Less Why You Should Win A Half-Eaten Slice Of Cake" Contest,

I am stranded in the arctic circle with no supplies. My badly broken legs have been pinned beneath my dogsled, leaving me immobilized. If I had only listened to my friends and used a pack of dogs to pull this god forsaken sled instead of just pushing it by myself I could have sent them to get help, but I suppose hindsight is 20/20.

I fear that I am using the last of my energy to write this, and I apologize if my handwriting is shaky. By my calculations I can only live through one more night without nourishment. This contest is my last chance for survival. The contest details say to wait 6-8 weeks for delivery, but if I were to win could you ship the cake overnight? I'll gladly pay the difference.

I am giving this letter to a passing group of snowmobilers, and praying that it finds its way to you.

Daniel Langholt
Under a sled, in the snow

Dear "Explain In 150 Words Or Less Why You Should Win A Half-Eaten Slice Of Cake" Contest,

It has been brought to our attention here at the Department of Homeland Security that you are giving away a half-eaten slice of cake in some sort of contest. Perhaps you are unaware of this, but such activity is strictly forbidden in the post-911 world. According to our records the cake has not been checked for explosives, chemical agents, radioactive materials, or dangerous levels of deliciousness. Any one of these possible contaminants would pose a major threat to our national security and give comfort and aid to our enemies.

You are hereby ordered to ship the cake to the return address listed on this envelope. Over the course of several weeks our vigilant staff will pore over every scrumptious crumb, inspect every inch of luscious frosting, and eat every last succulent bite with a glass of security-cleared milk.

In return you will receive a medal and the eternal thanks of your country for your cooperation in this dark hour.

Secretary Michael Chertoff
Bunker 3-B, Classified

Dear "Explain In 150 Words Or Less Why You Should Win A Half-Eaten Slice Of Cake" Contest,

As unlikely as this may seem, I have recently uncovered the other half of the slice of cake you are giving away in this contest during a recent expedition in Malaysia. That's right, the other half wasn't eaten, but rather secreted away to the hidden mines of a mage named Abder'mj by a cabal of Nazi cultists. According to local legends, when the two halves of this slice of cake are combined they form a fabled Whole Slice Of Cake, which is basically the holy grail of archaeology. I have a simple proposal: You send me your half of the slice and in return I will form the Whole Slice Of Cake and send you half of that.

Dr. Jones
In a plane, traveling across a map to a big red X

Dear "Explain In 150 Words Or Less Why You Should Win A Half-Eaten Slice Of Cake" Contest,

I have been married to the same slice of cake for the last seven years. At first we were very much in love, but over time Maggie's true personality emerged. Her verbal abuse towards me escalated until it became physical as well but I felt obligated to stay because of our children, which I am ashamed to admit I wish were never born. Every time I look at them I am reminded of her, especially when I look at their icing.

I have not had sex in over three years. Even if Maggie's personality didn't completely repulse me, I would find it difficult to maintain an erection because of her moldy, dried out body which was once moist and surprisingly spongey.

Adultery is wrong, but nothing about my current situation is right. I want to win this contest and remember what it feels like to make passionate love to a fresh piece of cake like the one in your advertisements. The fact that she's half-eaten makes it all the better. I always had a thing for the skinny ones. Please grant me one last encounter with happiness before I resign myself to the rest of this unfortunate life.

Clarence Hargrove
Appleton, WI

Dear Mr. or Mrs. "In 150 Words Or Less Why You Should Win A Half-Eaten Slice Of Cake" Contest,

Congratulations, Explain! You have been pre-approved for a line of credit with CreditCorp, the world's premiere randomly-send-people-credit-cards-in-the-mail company. We have been randomly sending people credit cards through the mail for over three years now. By simply using this card (assuming it hasn't been stolen in the mail), you will join an exclusive club of people who can successfully open an envelope without accidentally setting it on fire or dropping it into a swirling vortex of antimatter. We think you'll find our introductory interest rate of only 0.1%* very exciting!

CreditCorp
Burbank, CA

*Introductory interest rate of 0.1% only applies to purchases made the day before you received this card. After that point, the standard interest rate of 48% will apply. Failure to pay off the complete balance within 30 minutes of receiving your monthly statement will result in us printing several thousand posters which depict you as a child molester and stapling said posters to every lightpole and front door within a three mile radius of your residence. If you should accidentally bite down on the included credit card and release the deadly toxin within, please call our toll-free 1-800 number for details on how to purchase the antidote.

Dear "Explain In 150 Words Or Less Why You Should Win A Half-Eaten Slice Of Cake" Contest,

I don't want to win the half-eaten slice of cake. I don't even like cake. I've just got this shitload of postage stamps sitting around because I bought them as an excuse to talk to a cute cashier at the grocery store, but then it turned out that she was vehemently opposed to the postal service and those who use it. I've also got all these extra stacks of paper and envelopes because I bought them to talk to a cute girl working at the local stationary store, but it turned out that she was an environmentalist dead set against the lumbering industry and those who supported it by buying paper products. I've got all this free time because I bit the monorail driver at Disneyland in his face.

Russell Crowe
San Quentin Prison, CA

Dear "Explain In 150 Words Or Less Why You Should Win A Half-Eaten Slice Of Cake" Contest,

I should win the cake because my mom doesn't ever let me eat desert. I am good all of the time but she never lets me eat food with sugar in it or drink soda or watch basketball (because of the cheerleaders). I am really good so I should win. If I won I would be happy. I would eat the cake in my bed under the covers after my mom tucks me in. I would win! Thank you for this cake contest.

Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell
The Internet, Cyberspace

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)