The Biggest Announcements of E3 2017

• EA announced several new titles as part of their EA Sports range. A new feature this year is interactivity - for the first time, gamers will be able to control these games instead of simply pressing R3 to zoom in and out. This could, quite literally, change the game. Also, there was a car on stage, so one of their games probably has a car in it.
• Microsoft has a new Xbox that's either called the Xbox One X or Xbox one S or they're different things. You can put original Xbox discs in it, or any discs really, or just anything that'll fit. A fun combination games console and storage unit.
• The twisted minds of the South Park are creating a new game that is also called South Park. In it, you do supremely fucked up shit like saying Poopy and Pee-pee and not doing your homework. It is presumed this will earn the game a "PG13" rating.
• In Far Cry 5, you get a gun and can shoot people. Instead of seeing your character from behind or above, you see through their eyes in a "first-person" perspective.
• Bethesda announced Doom VFR, a version of Doom that you play in VR and you get sucked into the game and if you die while sucked into the game you die in real life. Coming to PSVR and Vive.
• In BioWare's Anthem, not much happens at all. A must buy.
• Uncharted: Lost Legacy promises to change the way I still don't play Uncharted games. I still won't be playing this one, but I'll be doing it in an entirely new way.
• Sony has announced a game called God of War. However, there already is a game called God of War. Someone's getting fired!
• Knack 2 was announced. At the end of the trailer, a number "3" faded into view... could this mean Knack 3!? As if to answer my question, the word "YES" faded into view underneath it. Q4 2018.
• Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle was officially announced. Mario teams up with the beloved "Rabbid" characters for an adventure that's, er, not QUITE ordinary. The Rabbids are minions now and they say ba na na. A Rabbid comes up dressed as Borat and says very nice I like. The box art is just the word "Epic" in 60pt Impact font. Instead of coins Mario collects boxed copies of the new South Park game. Mario dies thirty minutes in and is replaced by a Rabbid in a thrilling Metal Gear Solid 2 esque twist.
• Instead of Yoshi with yarn, the new game has Yoshi with yarn AND cardboard.
• The round pink guy [forget his name] is back.
• Nintendo showed footage from Super Mario Odyssey, showing Mario posessing a human man with his hat. Some on line jokers were saying "does that mean Mario was just the hat all along". No, of course not. Shut up, on line jokers. The hat is clearly a parasitic organism, like Ophiocordyceps unilateralis [or "Zombie Fungus"], that is manipulating Mario's behaviour so as to better reach an environnment for deploying its spores. Levels shown off include Chocolate Candy Land and Wuh Oh! Huge Waterslide.
• [In the tone and timbre of saying "The Aristocrats"] The PS Vita

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)