Douchebag Gear: Electronic Cigarettes

Companies like Smoke Everywhere offer kits for newcomers complete with the e-cigarette, cartridge refills, and chargers so you can hook your cigarette up directly to your computer's USB port!

You don't have to take our word for the quality smoking - er, I'm sorry, vaping - experience offered by e-cigarettes. Take the word of Smoke Everywhere spokesmen Jose Canseco, who reveals that e-cigarettes are "all health, it's gonna have in it proteins and a power boost." I hope e-cigarettes can also contain male hormone replacements so Canseco won't be arrested a third time for smuggling them in from Mexico to deal with his steroid-ravaged ball sack.

As much as we trust accused wife beaters like Canseco and Bonaduce, we decided to find out for ourselves if e-cigarettes beat the competition. We put them to the test by matching them up against their two closest competitors, regular Marlboro cigarettes and chlorine gas fumes from industrial solvents.

Provides a dose of stimulating nicotine
May cause lung cancer
May cause lung melting
All health
Gonna have in it proteins, power boost, gonna have everything.
Produced in a Chinese factory that turns a nearby river bright orange
Can dissolve a submerged taxi cab in 2-4 hours
Makes you think you are Don Draper
Makes you think you are that black skeleton zombie in the barrel from Return of the Living Dead
Turns you into a black skeleton zombie if you are stored with it in a barrel
Located in or adjacent to Flavor Country
Located in or adjacent to OSHA required halon extinguisher, eye-wash, and inhalation safety station

The results are still unclear. While the e-cigarette appears to have an edge on the real thing, there are just too many unknowns and unanswered questions. In time we may have those answers and we may learn that e-cigarettes really are the best. However, for the immediate future I highly recommend you stick to the factual winner: Anhydrous Chlorinatecetone.

It should be available at a Class-IV caustic substances depot near you.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)