The International’s Updated Stretch Goals

Because of strong crowd funding incentives, Dota2's upcoming tournament is raking it in. For every $10 dollars spent by users, $2.50 goes towards the prize pool. And while that might seem like the same percentages used by dubious charities, it has already managed to raise nearly $3.5 million in five days. With the original stretch goals already within reach, it's time to see what Valve plans next.

$8,000,000
Valve Studio Livecam
Gabe sets up a webcam to film himself jumping Scrooge McDuck style into his giant pit of gold coins/pocket knives.

$10,000,000
Server Queue Xenophobia
 Dota players desperate to blame their terrible skill on anything other than themselves have a long tradition of blaming foreign players. Plagued by complaints about language barriers and ping issues in matchmaking, Valve finally bows to the pressure and declares war on Peru.

$12,000,000
The Death of Immortality
Complete and total redistribution of virtual item wealth, bringing an end to the Hat Barren stranglehold. All heroes issued one cosmetic item: a grey pair of overalls.

$14,000,000
Personalized Rage Vacation
Every compendium owner receives one domestic plane ticket eligible for an extended, one-on-one, face-to-face rage out. For the first time in online gaming, you can freely go agro on a noob in person. No longer must you unleash your boiling anger on pixels. If someone kill steals, feel free to take a break from your keyboard and spend a few hours stewing in coach before you let them know physically.

$16,000,000
New Hero: Waluigi
What Smash Brothers don't, Valve will.

$18,000,000
Chill Queue
Through the use of an optional breathalyzer plugin, you have the ability to join the special queue for drunk DOTA. Only available to players blowing twice the legal limit, Chill Queue new features include:

• Games guaranteed to be free of try-hard ragers who ruin your buzz
• Scheduled pauses every ten minutes for bathroom breaks
• Game speed slowed 2x, ensuring you won't lose your hero every couple seconds
• No punishment if you try to bake a frozen pizza and forget you're still in game
• Bluetooth connectivity allows you to seamlessly send seventeen text messages to your old girlfriend/boyfriend at three in the morning telling them that you just saw a courier that reminded you of them and that you hope they're having a good life now and maybe if they aren't busy it would be cool if you got a drink nothing serious but it would be great to catch up is all

$20,000,000
New Movie: Free to Play with my Heart
Arteezy and Dendi star in Valve's first major motion picture, a rom-com about finding love or parental hardships or whatever. It's mostly an opportunity for people on the internet to mindlessly copy/paste S A D B O Y S and the kappa face

$22,000,000
Actual Real World Legitimacy
All of a sudden, your parents or someone at work will ask if the ten crazy BuzzFeed lists they just saw on Facebook are the same game you play. Regardless of how you answer, they will tell you (at great lengths) about how things were different when they were young and how this country has really gone downhill in general.

$24,000,000
Legal Team Upgrade
Blizzard officially files their #2,000 lawsuit/passive aggressive complaint against DOTA2. In a fifteen page document, Blizzard states that they have trademarked powerful women characters, the struggle between good and evil, humanoids wearing capes, magic (both light AND dark), virtual trees, playable animals, any and all 5v5 games excluding hockey but including indoor field hockey, and skeletons.

$26,000,000
The True Enemy Identified
President Obama issues an amber alert, warning every American about playing with tcjimbo.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)