The Dog Treats Taste-athon Part 2

Hi, this is Johnny "DocEvil" Titanium, and welcome to Weekend Web. Just kidding, DocEvil is unable to fulfill his husbandly duties tonight and put up an article because he is too busy working at his new job at [url='http://www.ihaveahardcoreanimepornographyaddiction.com/']Anime.com[/url] or whatever so I, Johnny "Maxnmona" Titanium, am going to put up the second half of my dog treat tasting experiment. You can read the [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=4139']first part[/url] here. Since the two parts were written at once, I make some references to the [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=4139']first part[/url]. If you'd like to get those references, you should maybe read the [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=4139']first part[/url]. Or not, I don't care. Jeez, lay off. God.

Nutritional Content: Wow, they have turnip oil. And no meat products of any kind. So at least it probably won’t poison me. In a completely unrelated note, I got this email from a reader following the first part of this article concerning the health benefits of eating dog food:

Just thought you'd get a kick out of knowing that the by-products you ate in those dog treats aren't human grade by-products. In other words you were eating something that was more akin to road-kill (and may very well have been, or possibly even euthanized animals from an animal shelter) as opposed to your classic pig intestine in a hot dog. Odds are the chicken by-product was things like beaks and feet and such. The average stuff that makes up low-grade animal food and animal treats honestly isn't even supposed to be consumed by animals and can cause all sorts of health problems. Cheers!

Another interesting side note: when I ate this stuff I was getting over a nasty stomach flu. I am, apparently, a really stupid person.

Appearance: Like dumplings with the ends cut off, only the filling looks like those clay skittles I had in the first article (the [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/assortedtrainingsnacks.jpg']Assorted Training Snacks[/url]). My guess is they're the same treat only this one is covered with extra dough from the Hot Pocket factory.

Taste: Way worse than the Assorted Training Snacks. Not all the way down at [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/09/maxnmona/theworstthingever.jpg']Barn Burger[/url] level, but not even as high as those horrible [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/09/maxnmona/eatinghappysammy2.jpg']Happy Sammys[/url]. It had that play-dough taste I expected, but also something like [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/noididnotenjoythatthankyou.jpg']sour dough bread gone moldy[/url].

Conclusion: Who knew that adding a thin strip of dough around a piece of clay would make it taste this bad?

Nutritional Content: I didn't catch the label on this one, but my guess is lots of sugar.

Appearance: It’s basically one of those store brand Oreos your neighbor who took care of you as a kid always bought because she was cheap and thought that all cookies are basically the same when clearly a real Oreo is way better than any [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/imgonnaeattheoreoimgonnaimgonna.jpg']stupid fake Oreos[/url]. By the way, I don't mean that it looks like one of those cookies. As far as I can tell from looking at and smelling it, it is one. Like they just leave them on the shelf until they get stale and then ship them on over to the pet store. Which they probably do now that I think about it.

Taste: My suspicions concerning its origin are entirely confirmed. I'd know that [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/discookieisnone2bad.jpg']cardboard-dipped-in-sugar-and-filled-with-flavored-fat[/url] taste anywhere. After the other treats it was pretty much the best thing I’d ever tasted. I even went in for a second bite.

Conclusion: If you like Oreos but don’t have the money for them, you can buy these at your local pet store for 4 bucks a pound. Feeding it to your dog though would probably result in them attacking you in a feverish sugar rush and then collapsing when their heart finally gives out.

Nutritional Content: No steak or any meat at all (They should put a label on vegetarian dog treats that just says "Dead cat and chicken beak free"), but there's that turnip oil again. Who knew it was such an important component of dog gustatory satisfaction?

Appearance: I guess its supposed to look like a piece of steak, but what it really looks like is a dog treat with two smaller pieces of dog treat that have been dyed dark red [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/mansgotasteak.jpg']shoved in the center[/url]. Even right up against my nose it doesn’t smell like anything at all, so it's already a winner in my book.

Taste: The dough part of the cookie tastes exactly like the smell suggested: like nothing at all. Unfortunately the red parts tasted like [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/iamsogoddamnhotlookatme.jpg']old feta that’s been microwaved[/url]. Nothing about it tastes like steak.

Conclusion: Savory means "pleasant or agreeable in taste or smell". Since it smelled like nothing and tasted like nothing good, I’d have to say their name is [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/iamsogoddamnhotlookatme.jpg']false advertising[/url].

Nutritional Content: Carobs, I would assume. Carobs are, of course, known for tasting sort of like chocolate, only not as good. Since dogs are unable to eat chocolate without getting very sick, it seems a tad cruel to feed it the lesser alternative. "Oh yeah," you can say to man's best friend, "it's just like this. Only good." And it can taste the carob and fantasize about chocolate like a bed-ridden child starting at a UV lamp and dreaming of the sun.

Appearance: Like a small, stale chocolate chip cookie. Smells like Chips Ahoy. [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/closeup.jpg']I’m looking forward to this one.[/url]

Taste: It tastes like a chocolate chip cookie only not as good. Again, I go for [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/seconbite.jpg']that second bite[/url], although I don’t actually finish the entire cookie.

Conclusion: One day, Fido, you shall know true chocolate. But that shall be in another life, in [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/iamsogoddamnhotlookatme.jpg']Heaven[/url]…

Nutritional Content: First off, I swear to god this is a real product. Secondly, I hope the company that makes this makes something else as well because I don't think they're getting that rich off of doggy popcorn. I'm putting this in the nutritional content part because there's really nothing in it but popcorn and flavoring. As it turned out, nothing I had this half had any meat or meat byproducts in it. I feel ripped off.

Appearance: Unpopped, it looks like [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/woofypopbag.jpg']any microwave popcorn bag[/url], although slightly smaller then most human brands. I put it in the microwave, and right about the time that real popcorn would be sending off waves of melted butter scent, the kitchen starts smelling like someone accidentally lit dog food on fire. This does not bode well. Once opened, the bag has a [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/grimybrownstuff.jpg']grimy brown substance[/url] all along the inside. This bodes even less well.

Taste: Basically like burnt popcorn with a little dog food rubbed on it. I had to stop myself from eating more than a handful because even with dog food aftertaste, [url='http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/10/maxnmona/itssurprisinglyhardtogetagoodshotofeatingpopcorn.jpg']popcorn is still popcorn[/url].

Conclusion: Are you stupid? Go buy yourself some real popcorn and throw your dog a handful. If you actually find yourself buying separate bags of popcorn for your dog then somewhere in your life you took a wrong turn. My guess is it was when you handed money over for something called "Woofy Pop".

I am would be most highest glad to not again consume the eating of canine munchables.

The End...or is it?

– Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink