The Awful Guide to Your Inevitable Walt Disney World Vacation

Yes, Fastpass does allow you to get on more rides on an average day, but only because other people don't use it and end up experiencing less. If everyone used Fastpass to its full potential the system would break down and would be of little use to anyone. The stupid reservation system can't make a ride take on more people than it was designed for. But it can confuse dumbasses enough to keep them waiting in the slower standby lines so they don't hurt their heads trying to figure out what a return window is.

Photopass

You know what they say, the camera adds ten pounds. Apparently the PhotoPass camera adds 600 pounds.If you are too dumb to know how to operate a camera and too much of a social failure to ask some stranger if they would kindly take a picture of you and your family with your camera, you can use Disney's Photopass! A relatively new service, Photopass is a system that allows you to have cast members take badly framed snapshots of your family so you can view them online at home after your vacation is over.

The best part is that you can buy prints of your photos for just $12.95 each. What a deal! Remember, those are your family vacation photos. If you don't buy them it just means you hate your family and think they are ugly. And what's $124 for a CD of your most precious Disney memories when you've already spent over a grand to get your feet run over by scooter fatties?

Extra Magic Hours

One of the "perks" of staying at a Walt Disney World resort is Extra Magic Hours. Every day extra hours are tacked on in the morning or at night at one Disney World park for hotel guests only.

So on a day where Extra Magic Hours is offered at Magic Kingdom, you get to stay in the park when it closes to the general public at 10PM. What they don't tell you is that in the past Magic Kingdom used to stay open after midnight anyway.

It's a cost-cutting measure that has the illusion of creating value. Instead of staying open late every day of the week for all guests, the park stays open for hotel guests (of which there are about 30-40 thousand at any one time) only once or twice a week. Really makes you want to drop 3 grand on a Disney World vacation doesn't it? Do some cost-cutting of your own and cut Walt Disney World out of your budget.

Disney's Magical Express

This service is essentially a shuttle bus that takes you and your luggage from Orlando International Airport directly to your Walt Disney World hotel. It may be free but it's just another diabolical scheme in Disney's quest to trap you in their 36 square mile Reedy Creek hellhole. Normally vacationers would rent a car after arriving in Orlando. But a car affords guests freedom, the freedom to eat off-site or God forbid visit another theme park like Sea World, Universal Islands of Adventure, or the real star of Kissimmee, Gatorland!

The point of Walt Disney World is to strip away all vestiges of self-sufficiency from guests and turn them into babies, helpless if not for the teat of Disney. Forego the empty gesture of Disney's Magical Express, rent yourself a car, moon Mickey and take back your freedom!

You may not believe me now, but it'll happen. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you'll have to take your whole family on a trip to Walt Disney World. It might be the closest thing to receiving anal sex that you'll ever experience in your entire life.

For a week of your miserable existence you will be forced to submit to the mouse. It will be hot, crowded, and when you aren't arguing with your wife you'll be wishing you were at home, chugging a cold beer while watching football (for you nerds this is what married guys do by the way). You won't even be able to jerkoff in your hotel room, the Mickey Mouse wallpaper judging you from all sides. It will be pure hell.

But try to have fun okay.

– Hassan "Acetone" Mikal