The Awful Guide to Your Inevitable Walt Disney World Vacation

Disney-MGM Studios

Here is a list of worst Disney theme parks from worst to less worse but still pretty terrible.

1. Disney Studios Paris
2. (tied)Disney-MGM Studios
2. (tied)Disney's California Adventure

WHY DON'T YOU GET MARRIED AT DISNEY WORLD YOU FAT JERKIt's no surprise that the worst Disney parks are those based on the "studio" concept (California Adventure has a "studio backlot" land). The studio concept is something Universal does, and they do it quite well, but the concept isn't very "Disney".

Disney parks are all about creating all-encompassing environments based on fantastic locations. That's what you're really paying those premium prices for. The studio concept is an excuse to cheap out on the Disney experience. Boring environments, exposed backstage areas, and bare buildings with little architecture are the norm at MGM Studios. When you ride Star Tours at MGM you aren't speeding in a spaceship to the Endor moon, you are on a "set" and they are filming a movie about speeding in a spaceship to the Endor moon. I've always thought the studio concept was boring and I simply don't get it.

The only attraction at MGM that feels like a real fleshed out and complete experience is the Tower of Terror. Unfortunately it takes a four hour trek from the Magic Kingdom just to ride it. Disney-MGM Studios, soon to be renamed Disney's Hollywood Studios, is a half-day park at best. Opinions about theme parks, serious business.

Disney's Animal Kingdom

Unless you like to see depressed animals sleep while you are constantly being hit over the head with environmental conservation messages, Animal Kingdom has very little to offer except for a roller coaster that hearkens back to a time when Disney was at the top of their game, Expedition Everest, the spiritual successor to the Matterhorn.

Getting Around the Resorts

When one thinks of Walt Disney World they think of zipping around in futuristic streamlined monorails to all their favorite theme parks. The reality is that they only go to two of the four theme parks and a bunch of hotels you can't afford to stay at anyway.

George Takei played Hikaru Sulu on Star Trek and is a staunch supporter of monorails as a viable form of public transportation. Artie Lange was fired from MadTV.

Most of the time you'll be traveling around in ancient buses that are often late and crowded. Try not to travel between parks or hotels during opening, closing, or ever. Buses often leave with women running behind them shouting, "Take my baby! Please take my baby!"

You would think that they would fork over the dough to build monorail stops at each hotel, theme park, waterpark, and even Downtown Disney, just to reinforce that "Disney Difference" they always tout. What the hell are the $3.75 churros paying for? The monorail is a viable transportation system and it's unfortunate that the Disney Company has abandoned any notion of an expansion to the network. George Takei is spinning in his grave.

Disney has devised several convenient programs that help you save time and create magical memories at Walt Disney World. Well, that's what they say they do anyway.

Fastpass

Some theme park chains such as Universal or Six Flags offer front of line passes that cost extra on top of your base ticket. Disney on the other hand has managed to create a line reservation system at no extra charge to you, the guest. Basically you insert your park ticket into a machine near a participating attraction of your choice and it tells you to come back at a predetermined time so you can take off and do other things. When your return window rolls around you can get on the ride in 10 minutes as opposed to say, 60 minutes.

But wait, if it's free, won't everyone abuse it? Not so at Disney World! The key to Fastpass is that Floridians are so braindead that they can't understand what it is or how it works, leaving the normals to have their run of the attractions.