The Awful Guide to Your Inevitable Walt Disney World Vacation

So what the hell is all this heartache for? The theme parks, of course! That's just what you want to do, visit a bunch of kiddy playhouses for a week. There are four to choose from at Walt Disney World and you might as well visit now because they ain't gettin' any better.

The Magic Kingdom

Walt Disney once said that there will never be another Disneyland. Of course, once the old bastard dropped dead the pencil pushers left in his wake had to decide what to do next. The meeting ended after five minutes when someone said, "So, uhm, another Disneyland okay with you guys?" after which they all went out for Tex-Mex. There was one executive that said, "But didn't Walt say there would never be another Disneyland?" but his family gave up on the search for his body a long time ago.

Yay! Disney World!The Magic Kingdom is the second to worst "Disneyland" style park in the world. It beats Hong Kong Disneyland only because there are less Chinese people in Florida. Here age relives fond memories of the past and here youth may savor inferior versions of Disney attractions and rundown facilities. Disney makes their guests feel more than welcome by not painting anything, letting trash build up in neat little piles on the ground, and reducing the operating hours of various attractions, restaurants, and the park itself, leaving you to wonder why it costs $3.50 for a bottle of chocolate milk for your screaming baby who is still feeling sore after getting punched in the face by Tigger.

The place is less a theme park than it is an electric convenience vehicle showroom. While ECV's may be used by those with a legitimate medical condition like degenerative disc disease, erectile dysfunction, or laziness, they are mostly driven by fat slobs who have lost the ability to move themselves under their own power and have since given up on that dream. ECV's make it possible for the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape? to visit the most magical kingdom of them all and we are all better off for it.

The ECV is a Walt Disney World staple. If you do a Google Search for "ECV vehicle" the first result will be AllEars.net, an unnofficial Walt Disney World information guide. The guide has a section on using ECV's in the parks but the vast majority of people who use them are nearly blind from diabetes and have lost the ability to read or think coherently. Many are dead to the world, and will forever putt around the only place that will accept them, The Magic Kingdom.

If you find yourself surrounded by fatsos on scooters don't be alarmed. They are more afraid of you than you are of them. Make yourself look bigger than you really are and growl as loud as you can. They may be scared off long enough for you to make your escape. However, if it's mating season they may attempt to mount you. If they do, may God have mercy on your soul.

Epcot

The EPCOT that Walt envisioned is very different from the Epcot of today. For starters, one is spelled entirely in capital letters and the other is not. But capital letters aren't the only difference between the two. EPCOT stands for Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow, and if you've seen Epcot recently it doesn't exactly look like any of those words. So what's the FUCKING deal you ask?

EPCOT was originally designed to be a city of the future. Walt Disney created a film two months before he kicked the bucket that outlined his plans for his prototype community. EPCOT would have made extensive use of public transportation in the form of monorails and people movers. There would be no unemployment and downtown would be a 30-story city center.

Disney nerds are celebrating the removal of the Epcot wand from Spaceship Earth. Unfortunately there's not much else to celebrate about Walt Disney World.Nobody would own their own land or homes in EPCOT. Walt Disney would control it all right down to the lampshades. By owning all the lampshades, Walt could step in and install new and improved futuristic lampshades in dwellings at a whim. But what if you liked the old lampshades? Too bad, because if you complained Walt would threaten to turn grandpa into a lampshade and install it in your house. He'd do it, too! That nigga is crazy!

It was fortunate that Walt died and spared us his totalitarian prototype community from hell. Instead what we got was a kind of futuristic edutainment complex with replicas of various countries of the world tacked onto it. Imagineers mulled over the idea of calling it Boring Ass Place but decided to call it Epcot.

Epcot has changed quite a bit in the last decade. Some of the aging edutainment attractions that weren't even futuristic in the 80s have been replaced with thrill rides such as Test Track and Mission: Space, which is so good it might explode your heart.

At this point Epcot doesn't quite know what it wants to be, an optimistic look at the future, a thrill ride park, or a Disney character haven. I know exactly what I want to be, not at Epcot.