Oh Baby!

This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.

Exclusive Collectible Orangutan Baby Doll an Amazing So Truly Real First! Lovable Monkey Doll by Artist Wendy Dickison!

For those of you wishing to experience the joy of owning a fake baby but are troubled by an all-consuming hatred toward humanity, why not settle for a fake baby orangutan? While this baby ape is not anatomically correct, it will have your heart going bananas over its cuteness! Now you can simulate the very best aspects of owning a baby orangutan that has been captured by heartless humans for purposes of being raised apart from the comforts of its native habitat!

Sadly, unlike other fake monkeys, this one does not bang any cymbals together when you wind it up. Save your money, ape doll enthusiasts.

Irresistible Lifelike Toddler Girl Doll is So Truly Real Cutie! Adorable Waltraud Hanl Exclusive Hopes to Be Yours!

Damn, Jasmine! The crazy white folks say you hope to be mine, but your eyes say, "Back off, cracker!"

I hate to engage in racial profiling, but I'm willing to wager 99.99% of all doll collectors are white. In that regard, it's kind of depressing to see non-white babies get mixed up in this whole embarrassing fake baby trade. I suppose it is a sign of racial walls breaking down, but for people like me who view this sort of doll collecting as being severely unhealthy, this just makes it slightly weirder.

Why yes, I do have a lovely collection of fake black, Native American, Hispanic, and Asian babies. I spend my weekends posing them around the house and taking pictures to show my friends. Did I say friends? Silly me, I meant my dolls.

Amazingly Realistic Doll Fills Your Home with the Charm of a Little Girl! Exclusive Collectible Doll by Artist Julie Fischer!

I'd like to imagine that anyone who purchases this doll has their name and identity logged in some kind of terrible Orwellian government database of potential sex offenders.

Remember what it's like to have an eight year old around? Collectible doll artist Julie Fischer certainly does, and so she's created "Hannah," a long-limbed, lively strawberry blonde with bright eyes, unruly hair, and a non-stop personality that will amaze you!

While I realize the target market for a doll such as this is insane menopausal women with perfectly wholesome intentions, I can't help but take into consideration the abysmal state of the human condition, which all but guarantees this doll's sordid misuse. That said, I think we can all come together and agree that NOTHING GOOD CAN POSSIBLY COME FROM MAKING AND SELLING DOLLS SUCH AS THIS. There is absolutely no legitimate need for having a realistic fake 8-year-old girl sitting around your house. If you can come up with one that doesn't involve serving as a decoy for an assassin's bullet, then you need help.

That's all my little heart can stomach at the moment. Any more fake dolls and I would probably start plucking the individual rods and cones out of my eyeballs with tweezers. Perhaps we will do another round of dolls reviews in the future, or perhaps we will forget this whole rotten exercise ever happened. Until then, may your fake baby trophy cases be filled with love and wonder!

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)