The Definitive Guid to Internet Romance

Statistics don't lie: Lost Temple is THE wedding hot spot in Starcraft.Beyond being Internet humorists, Lowtax and I share a special bond, and that's that we have both have had the ultra-modern experience of meeting our better halves on the computer machine. Some may say it's a shameful way to fall in love, roughly parallel on the shame-o-meter to Russian mail-order brides, cruising at a school for the mentally retarded, or using a hypnotism technique at bars. Shameful though it may be, it is becoming increasingly popular, particularly among women who just aren't satisfied with the guys they're meeting. It's a trend I've noticed and I'm sure many of you have noticed as well, which meant that it was not really a huge surprise when Lowtax sent me a link to a CNN article about the recent release of a guide to falling in love over the Internet.

According to the book, an e-mail is equivalent to a phone call (never initiated and only rarely returned), a first date is a sexless date, no matter how long you have been e-mailing, and Instant Messaging is "like a free date, which we don't allow. We want men to court us, to ask us out in advance."

Other advice includes tips on how to create a good screen name (never too boring or too sexy), waiting 24 hours to respond to e-mails and dumping men who don't ask for a date by the fourth e-mail.

Holy crap, there's a lot more where that came from and I don't know how I ever got by without "The Rules for Online Dating"! What's even better is that the women behind this book have adapted their original dating guidelines (entitled simply "The Rules") to the 21st century. Their old guidelines were like something out of a bad 1950's Public Service Film Strip, with the inclusion of the Internet into the equation they sound like a bad science fiction movie from the 1950's.

"Do not accept e-mails from a man with a robot that uses a human brain, but it is okay if his robot is purely mechanical as long as he doesn't try to use it in the bedroom."

Since most of the eight or nine female readers we have are not trying to woo a mad scientist or sizing up a man's Theremin, I felt the need to create a guide to online romance from the inside! That's right ladies, I have the rules that will ensure you get with a hero and not a hero sandwich or possibly a Zero candy bar. To make things easier I have divided my invaluable advice on finding that special someone into two distinct categories that correspond to the phases of an online relationship.

The Internet of LoveThis image applies only to real-life romance, in Online Romance replace the naval uniform with a Star Trek uniform (Picard post-season 4 uniform) and the baby with a burrito ten pack from Taco Bell (w/ extra sour cream).So you're ready to fill the void in your life with that special someone but the meaty world around you doesn't have exactly what you're looking for? No problem! Thanks to the wonders of modern and possibly futuristic technology you can now connect with people as far away as Peru, Germany, Japan, or even Oklahoma. But, meeting someone on the Internet and meeting them in person is not the same thing, and you need to realize this from the start, or your relationship may be in trouble before you've even set eyes on the man who will one day father your children and make an honest woman out of you.

Rule Number One: There are 500 of them for every one of you

The Internet is overflowing with bachelors. Unfortunately, the Internet is overflowing with really shitty bachelors. You may be out numbered 500 to 1, but you're going to be panning for gold in an Ocean of 60 year old Korean men who claim to be college athletes from Boise, teenage boys who want to masturbate to pictures of your underwear, and grotesquely swollen gamer nerds who are in it for the ego stroking they missed out on in high-school because they attended the anime club dance with their own mother.

Rule Number Two: Why Won't Spielberg Release Schindler's List on DVD?

Seriously, what is that fucking crazy Jew thinking? I couldn't give a dumptruck full of shit less about Indiana Jones or Star Wars on DVD, so Lucas can go roll around in high-molar acid for all I care, but Spielberg created the greatest non-documentary film about the Holocaust of all time, and now he isn't releasing it on the current standard of home entertainment? Is he trying to appease the nihilists and nazi-sympathizers out there? Whatever the reason, you can be sure it is part of the Zionist conspiracy. I bought your fucking 100 dollar boxed set when that shit came out you sassy cunt, but now I can't stand to watch VHS and I want your movie on DVD. Do you understand? I AM REQUESTING THAT YOU ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU MONEY.

Rule Number Three: Not Everyone Wants to Murder You

Sometimes when you don't return e-mails and suitors start listing how they are going to butcher you in your sleep and burn down your apartment, it doesn't necessarily mean they really will. In fact a lot of these guys are completely valid choices for your love interest, you just have to closely scrutinize their vindictive hate mail to determine which are serious about eating your lungs so that you'll be close to them always, and which are just doing it as part of a front to look interesting. A good rule of thumb is to respond to death threats that contain no references to "playing with [your] entrails" or "drinking [your] blood from the golden chalice of the Hate Lord" as if they were friendly letters. Things should become much more amicable from then on.

Rule Number Four: Make the Guy Work

Once you are in communication with a man that seems attractive and is fun to interact with, you need to make him earn that first IM conversation, that first phone call, and that first meeting. Whatever you do, do not send him a picture of yourself no matter how modest, it doesn't matter what you look like, it could be a super model or a submarine made out of mayonnaise. The guy on the other end will picture you looking exactly like his mom, because nine time out of ten that's the only woman he's ever kissed. For the first IM conversation the man has to send three pictures, five poems, and either a painting, song, or novel he is working on. For the first phone call the needs to buy you a car or a house. To actually get to the first date he had better buy you a Leer jet, assuming all he wants is a lunch date or a sack full of diamonds and pirate gold if he is interested in dinner or more. He will get a picture if he purchases every single thing on your Amazon wish list.

The Real World

Your online romance is starting to heat up, but there are just as many rules that apply now that you are ready to finally meet face to face. Whatever you do, don't just go with the flow, as that flow might lead right to a waterfall of peril or a sewer of co-dependency and betrayal! You have to keep all of these rules in mind at all times, possibly even tattooing them on your arms and legs like that handsome man from "Memento". He was a real catch, wasn't he ladies? So concerned about his wife and how she had that run in with trouble!

Rule Number One: Make Sure He Isn't a Zombie or Gay

The ultimate bane of Online Romance for women: gay zombies. However, the high population of gay zombies means that the Internet is a great place for gay zombies to meet.A lot of men who are otherwise normal turn out to be either zombies or homosexuals, so you need to test these things almost as soon as you meet. It's well known that the only thing that can stop a zombie is a bullet to the head, and if the world were a perfect place determining a potential mate's zombie status would be as easy as putting a thirty grain in his brain pan. Unfortunately there are all these things like "laws" and "police" that stand in the way of equal rights for women, so in the mean time keep an eye on some of the following details:

Clothing: are his clothes tidy or caked with dirt and grime as though he clawed his way out of the grave?
Conversation: is he as engaging in person as he was over the Internet or does he keep groaning and interrupting you rudely to say things like "braaaaaaains"?
Skin Tone: Does he have clear skin or maybe slight acne scarring or does he have corpse pallor or a bluish hue?
Car: Normal people drive, usually late model luxury sedans and European imports, zombies either take the bus or drive sub-compacts.

When it comes to homosexuals everything is much easier to determine and you can be very proactive. Just schedule your first date during daylight hours (just before night if it's a dinner date) and everything will be fine. If he's a no show or comes after dark he's obviously a homosexual because homosexuals combust when exposed to sunlight.

Rule Number Two: Be Flirtatious but Not Overly Flirtatious

If you're interested, it's important to keep him interested, but not at the expense of your self image. Try not to raise your skirt too high, but don't be afraid to cross your legs, quickly but pointedly. Toying with your hair is a good way of being coquettish, but do not do so to the point that he thinks he is boring you. Frequently mimic oral sex on any cylindrical object nearby, tell long stories about how horny you get when drinking and then chug an entire glass of port. Mention offhandedly that you shaved off all your pubic hair and then stick your hand down your panties and invite him to smell how fresh you are. Men are very sensual and can really appreciate things like how a woman's crotch smells or if she looks like she might let him pee in her mouth.

Rule Number Three: Never Travel with Him to a Secluded Spot

My mother always used to say to me that the only difference between the average man and a rapist was circumstance. For you ladies just starting an online relationship, this means avoiding situations that make you easy to take advantage of. Keep an eye peeled for blunt objects that could be used to knock you unconscious, most men carry a truncheon or spade for beating women unconscious, but the true gentlemen will keep these locked in the trunk of his car. Never, under any circumstances, should you agree to go with him to a secluded location. Particular places to avoid include a cave, a drainage culvert, his cellar, a shallow grave in the woods, and Korea.

Rule Number Four: Don't Give it Up Girlfriend!

Another happy Internet couple prepares to live happily ever after! Remember crazy AOL girl, no sex until after marriage!"It" means access to your hidden cove of sensual secrets. Much like access to your phone number and IM client, you need to make the guy work before you provide an all access pass to your body. I generally suggest a minimum of ten dates, followed by a period of no less than six-months being engaged. On your wedding night you may engage in missionary position intercourse, after one year you may introduce other positions to add spice to your romantic life. On your ten year anniversary you may or may not want to attempt anal just to make sure he maintains a small level of interest in your body while he's cheating on you with his secretary and that woman who teaches aerobics where he goes to work out. In the mean time you should be at home raising four of the eventually five children and pretending to ignore his infidelities while you cry yourself to sleep, sobbing silently into the apathetic arms of your Posturpedic back pillow.

While the authors of "The Rules of Online Dating" might think they know it all, I believe they know approximately jack shit about Internet romance, and I feel that for all of you ladies out there looking for a special someone, you can't do better than my guide to online romance. Good luck out there, and remember, getting married in Everquest does not count as a real marriage in the eyes of our Lord.

Cliff Introduces a New "Friend"

Cliff Yablonski is back with five all new pages of people he wants to see turned into meat chips with a wood chipper, but this time it's personal! He has brought along his brother Enoch Yablonski, who will offer commentary whether or not Cliff likes it.

I wasn't planning on putting this photo into my computer screen, but my brother said if I didn't then he punch in my face with a brick inside an oven mitt and although he can't do shit, I owed him a favor for the time he let me hide in his hamper when the cops were hunting me down for a crime I probably didn't commit. This is my brother Enoch Yablonski, who was fortunate enough to escape this hellhole town. He lives in Balkiton City and as you can tell, he doesn't know shit about taking care of his goddamn lawn. I should go over there sometime and clean out his throat with a handful of gravel and glass shards glued to a tree branch.

Cliff is the gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving, whether or not you like what he is giving you. He may give you so much that your guts turn inside out, but that's just how generous he is. Find out who made his list this time!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)