The Five Stages of Cutting Your Own Hair

Stage One: Denial

The last time you cut your hair you told yourself you'd never do it again. Never.

That was probably an overreaction. You gave yourself that bad haircut years ago. You're a smarter person now. More well-rounded as a human. This time you'll probably be able to cut your hair like a champ. This is a terrific idea!

Stage Two: Anger

What in the heck? These clippers are terrible. The blade doesn't cut so much as it begrudgingly vibrates. You have to rub the clippers over the same patch of hair ten times just to snip off a few strands, and then the motor slows to a crawl.

It was probably a mistake to use these clippers as an experimental armpit hair trimmer for the last few years.

The worst part? Since there's a weird missing patch of hair on your head you can't stop now. There's no turning back.

Maybe if you rub the clippers harder, clench your teeth, and curse under your breath it will work better. Just keep jamming that thing against your head with a snarl and hope for the best.

Stage Three: Bargaining

Please - you plead to your hair, to your clippers, to the fickle haircut gods - please, just let this end.

You had a style in mind when this began. That style is long forgotten. Now you're resigned to buzzing everything off at the same length if it means ending this ordeal sooner.

Stage Four: Depression

Look at all this stupid hair in the sink. Look at all this other stupid hair on the floor. It should still be on your head. The two of you would be so much happier together.

Right now, in an alternate universe, you and your hair are rolling in a sunny field, laughing. They have all the time in the world.

Those bastards. They're smarter than you, and they deserve to be happier.

Stage Five: Acceptance

Finally. It's over. Sure, a few dozen random hairs are absurdly long. And there's one patch that makes a wedge. And you don't even want to know what's going on with the nape of your neck.

But this is your hair now. You did your best. In three months it will grow in enough for a professional to take over.

Because you'll certainly never do this again. Never.

You nod to yourself as you put the clippers away under the sink. It would be a waste to get rid of them. You never know when you'll need them.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)