Five Parts of Buffalo We Should Not Use

Thank you for hearing my song of disagreement. At the pow wow last night was discussion of conserving buffalo for winter and once again Proud Eagle lectured me at length about need to use every part of buffalo. As you may recall, week before last at pow wow Proud Eagle brought up that I was seen throwing a small amount of buffalo into a stream and burying another part beneath a rock.

I am very happy that Proud Eagle has plenty of time to spend all day following me around and recording my actions on his beads. Maybe if he tried to hunt more than one buffalo per year he would not have so much time to worry about my buffalo.

I think Proud Eagle raises important issue, which is the issue of using all parts of buffalo. I mean, seriously, whole buffalo? Part of buffalo is like rocks other part taste like messy dog fart. You want man get fart mouth and broken tooth? Oh, wait, this is Proud Eagle already. Maybe next time when you lecture me you will eat some mint leaf.

It is time to reconsider using all part of buffalo. Five parts especially should not be used.

1. Buffalo Dong

Hmm, let us see, war dance purposes: none. Eating: no thanks, this was literally inside a buffalo vagina. Charm a wife: not likely unless she is a buffalo. Slide it underneath loincloth and walk around village freaking out elder mothers: funny once when you are twelve summers. I think it is okay if we do not take a buffalo dick. We already use its balls. Old Man Coyote - if he is even real, which I doubt - will not be mad if we do not take the dong.

2. Buffalo Skull

One buffalo skull is good, but it has to stop. Okay, we get it True Arrow, you are master of hunting. You do not need to rub every brave's nose into this. This is not a reason to place many buffalo skulls outside wigwam in huge skull pile. Whole village stinks and brother raccoon runs amok during the darkness. You do not actually use skull, you just show off. Bite the softness of my buttocks, True Arrow.

3. Buffalo Eyes

Anybody here actually taste buffalo eye? Cooks-for-Many makes her buffalo eye stew. How bad is that? If the visions of the wailing woman could be a food made out of boogers this would be buffalo eye. Also, when I am chewing I cannot stop thinking about what is eye seeing at that moment, which makes it harder to swallow. Will it anger the buffalo's spirit to not eat its eyes? I know if I were being eaten by a buffalo and he gets to disgusting eyeballs I would totally give a pass to him. If you do not believe buffalo would do the same for us then you are basically calling buffalo spirits evil.

Makes-the-Necklace, take some class and learn another skill. Keeping fire going overnight in high demand.4. Buffalo Poop and Pee

Maybe we should not eat the poop that comes out of buffalo intestine. Oh, wait, that's right. We do not eat this part of buffalo at all. It counts, surely, so why do rules purist not stuff dumb face full of buffalo turd? Everything has to be just like that one phrase that Wise-as-Mountain probably just said offhand one night without thinking. We must blindly adhere to this rule. Fascists eat the poop.

5. Buffalo Bung

Literalist and old timer: get with the modern age, wise grandfather. Because saying is "every part of buffalo" does not mean this part. Absolutely not. Spoken history of buffalo bung eating is part of elaborate prank. I think Great Coyote takes the form of an elder many winters ago and eats a buffalo bung and says "Yes, this is the best part." Times change. We have developed something called counting and know there are many buffalo and not just one buffalo that returns to be killed again and again. Let us eat the other parts and not this part is all I am saying, are you with me brothers?

While I am on subject, Makes-the-Necklace, you need to quit it with buffalo teeth necklace. Whole camp look like buffalo dental school. You give out so many necklace, you trade necklace, we go through 50 buffalo per year. You do the counting.

I am not suggesting big change here. We can still do buffalo organ party. Still eat buffalo thymus and brain. It is just common sense. If you hate part of buffalo or don't really have use for that part then don't try to use it. So many buffalo everywhere and they are so stupid, I think we can afford a little waste. Nothing wrong with that.

– Complains-to-Cloud, an 8th Century Crow Indian (@sexyfacts4u)