Cricket Chirp Thermometer [Advanced Techniques]

During my three week stint in the Boy Scouts, I learned that it was possible to estimate the temperature by counting cricket chirps. To find the temp in Fahrenheit, you have to count how many times a cricket chirps in fifteen seconds and then add 37. The formula for the mysterious C symbol is a little more complex: You count chirps for 25 seconds, divide by 3, then add 4. It’s cool, but also a little confusing to remember. To simplify the process and remove (most of) that pesky math, here’s a helpful guide. Simply count the number of chirps over the course of fifteen seconds and find the entry closest to your number.

70 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you would peel the flesh from your forearm the way you might shuck a corn cob if you thought it would cool you down.

68 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you have grossly reenvisioned your winter experiences to the point where you wish it was February and you aren’t even slightly joking.

66 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you are an extra in those 90's Capri Sun commercials where the kids are pretty much waiting for that totally rad silver skater FX.

64 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that at this point your butt crack is pretty much just a swimming pool wrapped in some soggy cotton. But you probably don’t need an insect to tell you that.

62 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough for you to nostalgically reminisce on all the fun you had on summer breaks before you got old and a job and a life filled with regret.

60 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough for you to feel as though you peed your pants but instead of your pants it’s your entire fucking body.
58 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough to emulate the set of Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing.

56 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you can reasonably say something like, “wait, the baseball season is still going on?”

54 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that summer suuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

52 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you are an extra in those Coors Light commercials where the bros are pretty much waiting for that silver beer can train.

50 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you probably hate everyone and everything around you and you’re, like, a dropped pen away from totally snapping.

48 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you might actually go to the pool if you didn’t hate your body so much.

46 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you realize you’ve squandered the first half of the summer and aren’t likely to change a thing for the remainder of the season.

44 Chirps: The current temperature is high enough that you’re counting crickets instead of just, like, pulling out your phone and checking the weather app like a normal human.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)