Contest Winners Announced!

Youuuu Areee the Champions!

On the first of March Something Awful and J-List announced The 2004 J-List and Something Awful Mega Kawaii Contest Prize Bucks Super-Saiyan Extravaganza! You've probably heard of it since I have been nagging the fuck out of you guys about it for the past month. Friday was the deadline for entries and we received about 50,000 different submissions. Roughly half of them were horrible and were instantly discarded for consideration from any of the prizes. The other half I sifted through carefully and tried to pick out a dozen to present to our forum members for voting.

Because these entries were so good I was only able to narrow them down to 23, with a whole batch of other entries that I thought were worth recognition for the effort they put into their submission. So today, my writing hand is mostly going to relax and let all of these wonderful entries do the talking for me. One final note, every person listed in the top ten should contact me at zackparsons@somethingawful.com to receive the information on how to collect their prize.

Due to bandwidth drain the Honorable Mentions are listed separately.

Runners Up These pieces were some of my favorites. They made it to final voting but did not receive enough votes to make it into the top ten.
"The Baroness" by Matthew from Pennsylvania	"The Baroness" by Courtney from Virginia	"Anime Death" by Eugene from Illinois	"Kawaii Nazi" by Kate from Massachusetts	"The Death of DiGi" by James from Texas
"The Last Days of Hitler" by Jay from Florida	"GI Joe Song" by Dennis from Connecticut	"Introducing the Dino Dick Dance Party" by Adam from Wisconsin	"The Phantom: For Fascists, By Fascists" by Justus from Oklahoma	"Phantom Game Console" by Marc from Tennessee
"A Picnic of Love and Triumph" by Robert from Tennessee	"El Pinto Grande Film Script" by Will from New Jersey	"Pterra! Pterra! Pterra!" by Joe from Louisiana

The Top Ten! This is it folks! Aren't you juicing with excitement?! These ten entries were judged by me and then voted on by the SA Forums.
#10"The Delanosaurus" by John from Florida	Comments: This vivid and well written short story was the only text entry to break into the top ten. It is extremely funny and features the best two-brained dinosaur president death machine that ever fought for America. Votes Received: 56 Prize: A free platinum forum account on the SA Forums
#9"Tyranosaurus in G Major" by Jason from New Jersey	Comments: An amusingly earnest and surprisingly melodic emo-style song about the mighty Tyranosaurus. I think the only thing holding this song back from going higher on the list is the quality of the recording. Votes Received: 72 Prize: A free platinum forum account on the SA Forums
#8"The Baroness" by Michael from Arizona	Comments: A nearly photographic rendering of The Baroness shrugging out of her famous form-fitting leather suit. It's high enough quality that you will only feel slightly guilty for masturbating to it. Votes Received: 75 Prize: A free platinum forum account on the SA Forums
#7"Cobra Reich" by Abby from California	Comments: Incredible detail on this gigantic image. The sheer number of Pokemon featured in this image exhausts my ability to name various Pokemon. I can certainly see Hitler, the Baroness, some SS soldiers, and a lovely panzer. This entry probably deserved to be higher, but hey, I'm not God of the Vote. Votes Received: 90 Prize: A free platinum forum account on the SA Forums
#6"Wir Werden Vorherrschen" by Jason from New York	Comments: This stylized and sinister Nazi propaganda is sure to make you the talk of your kibbutz! It looks deceptively simple, but as you look at it and realize the perfect alignment of angles you realize that the image itself is fascist and menacing. Which, well, okay I'll drop the arthouse analyzing. It's damn good work. Votes Received: 98 Prize: A free platinum forum account on the SA Forums
#5"You've Got a Friend in Japan" by Agesilaos from Illinois	Comments: It only takes a glance at this image to see that an insane amount of work went into it. The layers of news items and the violence of the image speak volumes about how much the artist hates Japan. Well, that, and he said he really hates Japan in his e-mail to me. Votes Received: 115 Prize: A free platinum forum account on the SA Forums
#4"Song for GI Joe" by Josh from North Carolina	Comments: A truly professional rock song about GI Joe. These guys are fantastic, the recording quality is very good, and I certainly endorse their subject matter. The lyrics are catchy and if you have an ounce of love for GI Joe this track will find its way onto your playlist. Listen for the cowbell. Seriously, I wish I could offer these guys a record contract. Votes Received: 152 Prize: A free platinum forum account on the SA Forums
#3"Picnic on the Forums" by John from Iowa	Comments: This entry emulates the format of the SA Forums to create a delightful picnic atmosphere for Something Awful legends Lowtax and Fragmaster. It's very creative, original, and most importantly, funny. Votes Received: 171 Prize: "Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend" (or "Boyfriend") T-shirt from J-List
#2"The Baroness" by Elizabeth from Texas	Comments: A touch of anime, a touch of comic books, and a touch of HOT. This image had the voters drooling and struggling to explain how impressed they were with the technique without using a term for breasts. It's also pretty appropriate that the sexiest image was drawn by a girl...and she won a vibrator. Votes Received: 181 Prize: A Hello Kitty vibrator, a collection of kooky Japanese condoms, and "Pink Nipple Cream" from J-List
#1"I'm a Dinosaurus" by Benjamin from Illinois	Comments: A hilarious rap song about a time-traveling dinosaur that is just good enough to have come from an Eminem CD, but it's actually funny. Really, thirty seconds in to the song and I pretty much knew it would win the contest. The voters agreed. I hope the folks responsible enjoy the Studio Ghibli figurines and "OH! Mikey" DVDs they can now get from J-List with their 100 dollars of credit. Votes Received: 189 Prize: A one hundred dollar credit at J-List for any merchandise available in their catalog.

Finally, we have one last prize to give out. Back when we started the contest I promised a "Mystery Loser Prize" for the entry that I felt was the most aggressively bad. There were a lot of bad entries. I really can't stress that enough, I think people were TRYING to win the "Mystery Loser Prize". I may cover some of the funnier ones in the near future, but for the time being I award the Mystery Loser Prize to Keith Cunningham of Texas.

Keith sent me a 1650x1264 scan of a pen and marker illustration of Admiral Ackbar as a dinosaur saying "The Sheild[sic] is Down, Tee-Hee". I consider this image to be so bad that it's actually hostile towards me. The inclusion of Ackbar in a theme with really no room whatsover to include him is an act of violence by Keith against me. With that in mind I have decided to present him with the Mystery Loser Prize. The prize is a copy of the worst hentai game ever made:

Unlike all of the other winners, Keith doesn't even have to contact me. I intend to make sure he gets his copy of Water Closet if I have to break into his house at night and put it in his computer. FUCK YOU KEITH!

Thanks to Peter from J-List for providing us with the slightly creepy fabulous prizes for this contest. Go and check them out, you're sure to make fast friends with your local anime club and trust me when I say you don't want to be on the anime club's bad side.

The Doctor is In!

This week, the irrepressable Dr. David Thorpe (and we're not using that word lightly, he is legally classified as irrepressable) not only explains his feelings towards the controversial glam-metal band The Darkness but also provides us with an educational rundown of the music news of the past couple of weeks.

In related news, Morrissey has voiced his displeasure at American Idol in a recent interview on LA's KROQ radio station, saying of the contestants: "I think they're very sad and I feel sorry, genuinely sorry for them. I think they look a bit sad and they sound sad and they're treated in a sad way. and I think it's very unfortunate." Morrissey calling you sad? Ouch!

Join the mad scientist once again for another dose of musical cynicism. Also, wannabe musicians take note: Dr. Thorpe is now soliciting your crappy demos, so make sure you check out his announcement at the end of the article.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)