Congressional Corruption

An organization known as Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) recently released a listing of what they describe as the 20 most corrupt members of Congress. Sadly, expecting responsibility and ethics in Washington is an ambitious and foolhardy goal. Aside from the fact that elected officials have nothing to live up to, honesty and integrity are concepts so far removed from the political realm that they are like wizards and goblins living amongst robocops and terminators.

The report goes into boring detail about how each has passed legislation to benefit campaign contributors and/or family and how each has done a lousy job representing the American people. On the surface I found the reading dry and humdrum, since CREW mostly focused on more serious ethical violations. However, buried toward the bottom of each report was the really juicy stuff. With this update, I'd like to shine a light on some of the real corrupt actions going on around Congress. Obviously I am too lazy to read about all 20 corrupt members of Congress, so the following is but a small glimpse into the sinister world of government.

Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL)

• Feeney was caught on film happy slapping Rep. John Murtha on Capitol Hill. The event was recorded on Rep. Richard Pombo's cell phone camera and posted on a right wing blog's comment section, where it quickly took off and spread around various Internet tubes.
• Feeney claimed his trip to the International Space Station was a fact-finding mission paid for by the National Center for Public Policy Research, but they denied having anything to do with him. Evidence suggests that political maelstrom Jack Abramoff was responsible for footing the bill in exchange for favors for his clients. Nonetheless, while in space Feeney ran extensive simulations on US border security using ants to represent people. His simulations demonstrated the ants' ability to move freely over walls and bodies of water. His research was ruled invalid by critics due to the lack of gravity and also the fact that humans cannot walk up walls like ants can.

Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO)

• Was caught by a 7/11 surveillance camera purchasing beer for a group of underage constituents. After taking what he called "a generous commission," he gave the youths what little beer he did not consume himself and told them to "live fuckin' hard."
• Paid an Internet site to write bills for him, which he then took to Congress. Blunt was caught when Rep. Jerry Lewis tried to pass the same exact bill off as his own, showing the two were plagiarists.
• Dumped ten Hefty sacks full of cans and bottles into the Missouri River because it was closer to him than the recycling center.

Rep. Jerry Lewis (R-CA)

• With the aid of Rep. Richard Pombo, Lewis tipped over a vending machine and stole at least $20 worth of assorted snacks.
• Lewis deftly snuck in a provision on a bill that gave a two million dollar grant to his granddaughter's lemonade stand. After the little girl expanded her lemonade stand, she then somehow scored a three billion dollar no-bid contract with the U.S. Military to supply lemonade to Camp Anaconda in Iraq.
• Though Lewis denies it, there is strong evidence to support the case that he jammed a butter knife into the coin slot of a "Pit Fighter" arcade game at a laundromat to get free credits.

Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN)

• Frist was notorious for forcing congressional aids to steal pies from windowsills of neighboring offices. When they would get caught, he would quickly disavow all knowledge and tell people he doesn't even like pie.
• While distracted by his role in the Schiavo imbroglio and his insider trading, many overlooked the fact that Frist frequently cuts in lines and sneaks into movies without paying. When asked about his actions he said, "I once paid to see 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation,' and I'll be damned if I pay to see another movie ever again."
• Frist, an observant and brash medical doctor, believed that Terri Schiavo could not possibly be in a persistent vegetative state. He quickly prescribed broad-spectrum antibiotics, a lumbar puncture, a CT, and an MRI. With the aid of his team of fellow congressional diagnosticians, Tom DeLay and Rick Santorum, Frist concluded Schiavo was suffering from Lupus. Although they would have no doubt cured her of all her ills in a matter of days, many believe they overstepped their bounds and tried to play god in the lives of individual citizens instead of doing their appropriate jobs.

Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)

• Rick writes some of the worst bills in congress, and some suspect that he's merely using government funds to bankroll his burgeoning music career... and slacking off in his congressional duties in the process. For example, in H.R. 6061, "Rick" writes "we going to make it illegal for fast food workers to ask if 'you want fries with that' because if we wanted fries we would have asked for it so there's no need to ask if I want fries because it's just sales pressure and unfair it's like pushing the fries on me that I don't want because if I did want them I would have asked but I didn't so now it's against the law." Since H.R. 6061 is primarily about a proposal to build a fence on the Mexican border, Santorum's contribution seems slightly out of place.
• After Santorum's name was co-opted by critics to describe bizarre sex acts, other senators began teasing him in the halls. He was so angered by the frequent railleries of Sen. Evan Bayh that he held him down and tea bagged him.

Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA)

• Jefferson, an avowed music lover, installed KAZAA on congressional computers and downloaded several Whitney Houston albums illegally, which he then tried to hide in subdirectories with misleading names.
• During one Congressional Session, Jefferson tried to earmark millions of dollars to build a time machine to go back and rescue the rest of his hair, which he claimed was lost in a temporal cold war.
• Jefferson is notorious for filling up multiple plates at buffet restaurants, then barely touching them. This is clearly in direct violation of the first article of buffet ethics, "you may take as much as you want, but please eat all you take."

Rep. Richard Pombo (R-CA)

• Along with several other representatives, Pombo organized a failed bid to kidnap the Senate's mascot, a male goat named Biscuits. During the attempt Biscuits suffered a heart attack and passed away. Rep. Jerry Lewis tried to cover for Pombo by replacing the deceased goat with a look-alike, but that effort failed due to Biscuits' unique spot formations. Pombo then claimed the goat simply wandered too close to Ted Stevens and was absorbed by the lich-like Alaskan Senator.
• On March 13th, Richard Pombo logged onto a 17-year-old girl's MySpace site and posted an image of himself in her comment section. The image depicted Pombo's face digitally inserted over Sylvester Stallone's body and featured a caption that read "da badazz Richard RAMBO representin west siide." After posting the image, he privately messaged the unidentified teen and requested that she "holla back" if she enjoyed the image and wanted to give him her "First Blood."

Perhaps the heroic efforts of CREW will lead to these men and women being flushed out of Congress and replaced with noble and virtuous souls. Perhaps one day, too, clouds will be edible and a rapping genii will grant each of us three wishes. Until then I applaud CREW for trying to do what nobody really cares about anymore: Cleaning up our thoroughly insane government. Good luck with that! I'm sure it'll work out great.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)