Help! I'm Stuck in College and Can't Find Help!

3.Phil (The guy in Your Dorm)

Phil's a nice guy I guess. I mean he is always trying to help, give advice, or force advice on others. He's the guy who told you to avoid taking classes with that hard professor, made you use firefox, and created a Risk tournament for your hall. He calls himself a Super Senior, but that's him fluffing up the fact that he failed three straight spring quarters to travel to E3. Either way, he claims that the extra time equals extra knowledge, knowledge that you wouldn't understand. Don't worry that he logged into your school account and rescheduled your classes, you're going to enjoy Intro to Electric Engineering much more than that figure drawing class.

Maybe Phil is right, maybe he knows his way around school, but I doubt it.

If Phil worked at Dairy Queen he'd be manager. Actually, Phil is a manager at Dairy Queen, which he says is pretty good for a 28 year old.

2.CLAIR (Lunch Lady)

She never went to college. She may have finished high school. You only know her name because it's written on a badge she wears everyday on her navy blue uniform. Her teeth are lacking; I mean her face is lacking teeth, and the one's still lodged in her gums may have been pulled from a dead rottweiler after losing a dogfight. But you don't have to tell her how you like your omelets made with egg whites, cheese, and a little sausage-she already knows, meaning she cares more about you than any of the previous listed people. While the others get paid to interact with you, this person gets a paycheck based on hash browns and cheeseburgers. Caring about you isn't a factor in her salary-she just does it. Furthermore, there is no sabbatical for her. You see her everyday, serving sausage links, patties, vegan sausage, sausage pizza, bratwurst, turkey sausage, sausage and gravy, and kielbasa.

She might not be able to help you get into a difficult class, but she sure can make the best mediocre sandwich you've had in weeks.

1.You

I know this isn't what you wanted to see. But too bad sucker. No one cares about you. Welcome to life. Sorry I had to be the one to break the news. People rejoice about the autonomy of college, but no one ever mentions the isolation that comes with your newfound power. You're like a little baby bird that left its nest and then plummeted twenty feet to the sidewalk. I hope you can find a person on campus that gives a damn (or even bothers to listen) to your problems, because there are 14,000 other kids there who complain about the same shit. Your only chance is to do it all yourself. Your college experience is like your shitty dorm room furniture, if it breaks, it's up to you to fix it or put it back in the dumpster.

So good luck and if nothing else, I hear Dairy Queen is hiring.

Still lost? Dumbstruck? Dumb? Send your college questions, or any questions in an email and I'll spend an update or two making fun of you and that "Earn a Degree Online" program you're enrolled in.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)