Claudia Schiffer: The PDA

(1) The Palm Vx PLUS - Note the word "PLUS" which I added to the end to make it seem like you're getting a better deal. In reality, the only difference is that it ships with a working version of GW-Basic and Notepad has a spellcheck feature which includes the word "assface." Also note that while the screen appears to be blank, it is actually loading my forums, which are currently down. Ha ha! Zing! eFront: 0, Something Awful: 6!

(2) Extendable Weathervane with Tiny Climbing Man in Black and White - Ever find yourself in the middle of Super Bowl MXCVXCIXXVXCIII (I forgot Roman numerals, sorry) and your team is depending on you to kick the winning field goal with only five seconds left on the clock? You won't need to take a "time out" to figure out which way the wind is blowing any more because the Extendable Weathervane with Tiny Climbing Man in Black and White will instantly do the job for you! To showcase our tech-savvyness here, we have also paid Jeff K. to create a program that displays what direction the wind is blowing. Unfortunately it's shipping with a few minor bugs, like the fact that regardless of which way the wind is blowing, the screen always reads "NORT". Yes, "NORT". In addition, no other programs can be run while using it. And you can't close the application. And it takes up 5 megs of space. But other than that, hell, this is just one of the most useful things ever.

(3) Easy Access to Most Phone Sex Lines - Hey, let's face it, people get lonely on long business trips. By including this feature, you will find it easier than ever to dial a 400-pound male pretending to be a 120 pound teenager! The Palm Vx Something Awful Edition also plays a comical series of musical notes when you climax, ensuring a pleasant experience every time!

(4) Deep Sea Diving Gauges From the 1920's - Ever accidentally drop your PDA into a large body of water and lose all track of it? Well with the Deep Sea Diving Gauges From the 1920's you will accurately know how deep your PDA has sunk! Of course you have to be standing within one foot of the PDA to read the dials, the Palm Vx isn't waterproof, and this doesn't help you at all in recovering it, but that's the price you pay for modern technology.

(5) Police Siren - A PDA is simply an expensive fashion accessory to most people -- just a tool to make them look more intelligent. However, with these devices getting smaller and smaller, it's becoming more difficult for people to notice you own a PDA and are in fact very smart. Our new Police Siren changes all that! Upon booting up your Palm Vx Something Awful Edition, the siren immediately turns on and starts flashing, shrieking, and generally letting everybody within a six-mile radius know you've got a PDA! Optional accessories include a gun which shoots people who don't pay attention to you.

(6) Wheelbarrow - Need more room to hold your lipstick, wallet, cash roll, or condoms? Well instead of taking up space, this PDA brings you EXTRA space! Store up to 80 pounds of material in the Palm Vx Wheelbarrow! Comes with a little fat white child inside, but you can ask him to leave. We just don't recommend manually taking him out, as he's covered with some weird goo and once attempted to bite our engineers.

(7) Device That Measures (Something) From 0 to 100 - We're not sure what exactly this is monitoring, but it's probably something very important. Our tech team just said that if the needle gets above 90, you should instantly drop the PDA and start running away as fast as you can. He also said you should do the same thing if the needle is below 90.

(8) Washing Machine - I've noticed that sometimes I'll put on a clean shirt in the morning, and then by the afternoon it will be covered in dirt and animal remains! Since I'm always mobile and "on the go", I simply don't have the time to saunter to the nearest laundromat and clean my soiled clothing. Well fear no longer, as a fully functioning washing machine ships with every Palm Vx Something Awful Edition! It's like having a fully functioning washing machine... in the PALM PILOT of your hand! Ha ha! The marketing team took nine weeks to think of that line!

(9) LED Basketball Scoreboard - Keep track of your two favorite basketball teams, "Home" and "Guest", with this remarkable new device. It can also record scores from other teams, but we're not sure how.

(10) Holometabolous (Larva) Diagram - Next time one of your smartass friends comes up and starts trying to bust your chops about a Megaloptera's anatomy, you'll be prepared. Our Holometabolous (Larva) Diagram is etched on a marble block which weighs around 20 pounds, making it the perfect weapon to smash him in the face with. Besides, anybody who publicly starts discussions about insect anatomy probably deserves to be hurt.

"The XBRSN1-283SMFZZ-ULTRAX-II is a revolutionary new product which takes our engineering strengths, ludicrous hardware specs, and bald-faced PR lies, and combines them into one product that will revolutionize the graphics industry as you know it. Our XBA2 engine will allow a 64 mega-textel pipeline that can support a memory bandwidth of over 200 GB / sec. Game designers will finally be able to take advantage of 512-bit color and program their titles for not only 3D applications, but one step better. Yes, that's correct, our card will be the first to support 4D programming as well. You can actually finish coding a program before you even start working on it!"

The most homoerotic cartoon on television is now a seizure-inducing fighting game for your SNES. Will it make you hit on other boys in gym class? No, but it'll probably make you bump up against them a lot as you're staggering around with blackened pits where your eyes used to be. With all the scantily-clad prettyboys and flashing orange lights, you won't know whether you're shuddering in horror or spastically convulsing. You'll probably want to have an autoinjector full of thorazine handy while you're playing this.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)