Parents Beware!

How It Works

Child A stands still while Child B stabs him about the head and neck with a knife, simulating a stabbing. It is believed that Child A will see his life flash before his eyes, and that this can help him locate misplaced valuables.

The Dangers

Infected stab wounds, severe blood loss (should be offset by the ability to locate misplaced blood during the "life flashing before your eyes" stage).

Warning Signs

Changing voice, hair growing in new places, newfound interest in the video for Michael Jackson's 1986 hit single "Beat It".

How It Works

Child A stands in a bucket of salsa - typically mild - as Child B points an antenna toward the sky. They rub their noses together as quickly as possible for thirty seconds to build up a charge, then punch each other in the stomach. As a result, both children receive television signals in their heads up to twenty minutes earlier than they are actually broadcast. This is ideal for spoiling episodes of Lost in internet discussion forums.

The Dangers

Feet that taste like salsa, nipple cancer, a willingness to commit homosexual acts that involve noses such as mutual nose-picking.

Warning Signs

Bloody noses, surplus of buckets and antennae hidden under a bed or in a closet, enlarged cranium (up to eight times the original size).

How It Works

Child A befriends a reclusive man who had half his face burnt off ten years ago in a car crash that resulted in a young boy's death. The man reluctantly agrees to tutor Child A, and through their friendship they both learn about themselves and the world around them.

The Dangers

Unchecked tolerance, fiery death in a car crash, gingivitis.

Warning Signs

Disappearing bottles of skin cream and aloe from your medicine cabinet, sketches of the Batman villain "Two Face" laying around, a man with a half-burned face in your house.

– Overprotective Parents Newsletter (@DennisFarrell)