Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

According to the New York Post and the majority of people sitting around tables at Fox News, women love catcalling. It is flattering to women to have dirty construction dudes and total strangers evaluating their bodies and loudly and aggressively forcing them to respond to verbal advances. These advances can be purely complimentary, like "Hey, beautiful!" or "Nice rack!" to helpful suggestions like "Smile more!" or "Sit on my face!" All classic catcalls sure to brighten a woman's day.

They're also hacky shit, my man. If you want a woman to really notice you, to really make her smile, you need to step up your game. Come up with something a little more audacious to holler at her as she walks past. These catcalls take confidence. They take being comfortable with saying what you want and how you feel. These are advanced level sexy catcalls, not to be shouted at a woman on her way to work lightly.

"Hey, sweetcakes, why don't ya come over here and guard my Ga'hooles."

"Ohhh, you like textin'? You textin' there? Hows about you text this?" *gesture to your own butt* "Text it to a doctor!"

"Hey, yo, my wife is outta town! Why don't you come over and be my wife tonight. Cook me some bad food and get yelled at about something from two years ago I'm still mad about!"

"Daaaaaamn! Baby I got no self esteem! You can come over and take all my money and treat me like a garbage dump raccoon!"

"Sweetheart, those biceps are amazing! Hows about you put me in a headlock and slowly end my consciousness for me!"

"I hope that big ol' pussy is wet as hell cuz I got rolls and rolls of paper towels on a shelf in my garage!!"

"Hey, sugarbaby, stop by after work and I'll take you out to the quarry and we can go paintballin'."

"Beautiful! Beautiful! Heyyy! Why don't you come over here and call me pig fucker and piss on my non-working baby dick!!! It's what you neeeeed!"

"Girl, you like cobbler? I got a whole list of foods for you to eat and then regurgitate into my face like you're a bird."

"Ayyyy mami, you're killing me with those heels! Now why don't you come over here and kill my balls with them. Murder my fucking balls to death and send them to ball hell."

"Smile more, girl! We've almost eliminated the estate tax!"

"Damn! My lap band ain't gonna stop me from eatin' your cake!"

"Holy smokes! I'm gonna focus on your legs here cuz I'm just pretendin' not to be gay to fool these other guys I actually want to jack off real bad."

"Lookin' good, chica! That ass'd look even better sitting down at my Friday Settlers of Catan table!"

"Ayyy mami, can you smile? You need to smile, mami, while you destroy my bad balls with your heels. Wreck my nuts up. Grind my goobag. Pop my eggs. I want you to put warning signs around my ruined sack like Chernobyl."

"Whoa hot stuff! Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children."

"Oh, don't worry sweetheart, I got a whole case of Monster energy drinks back in my truck. Yeah, just about boiling hot from the sun. I'll let you have as many as you can carry in your pockets if you let me feel your boobs."

"Yo, sexy mama, you hear about those women Ghostbusters? Yeah, all broads. I'm all for it. So hows about you see if you can catch this raunchy hot dog Slimer!" *gesture to your own butt*

"Girl, I got my GED and no rent cuz I live allll up with my parents while I'm savin' for an apartment, so why don't you jerk me off in my truck while we listen to Michael Savage take calls??"

"Sweet stuff, everything I got is curable, so why don't you trundle over here and try me out."

"You've got the hottest thrusters in the whole sector. Come on over here and scorch my landing pad." *gesture to your own butt*

Do you have what it takes to step up your catcalling game? Can you really flatter a woman with one of these? How's about you come over to my house and we'll both take off our pants and turn the lights out and just find out! Let's get so freaky we gotta open a window! Let's break some furniture!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)