This Article is About Cat Urine.

Planks can solve just about any problem.Once you pour a few million gallons of chemicals into your carpet under the insane assumption some of them may eventually work, the smell of toxic fluid might initially mask the fragrance of toxic urine. Unfortunately the odor will soon return, and it will assault your senses with a vengeance, powered by the fuel of revenge burning like a thousand exploding suns.

How dare you try to cover it up! Cat pee cannot be silenced! It must be appreciated, like performance art! If you thought it was bad before, wait until you get a whiff of catpee.exe version 2 tearing through the room and the very fabric of space and time! Cat urine is basically a really angry, time traveling ghost who will haunt your house until you go crazy and either move out or burn it down. Please note most cat shelters refuse to share this fact to prospective owners.

Now that Kit's enamored with leaking trails of fluid to trace his daily adventures like Billy's antics in the typical Family Circus strip, I've been forced into the position of piss patrol, constantly hunched over and wandering about with a black light. Scouring your home for hidden deposits of urine is like the world's crappiest and least rewarding treasure hunt. Upon discovering a patch of neon yellow rage, I douse it with the liquid of wasted hope, then use a syringe to forcefully inject additional fluid directly into the padding. I'm operating under the impression this will somehow help things, even though I know it will prove futile. Let's file this ordeal under yet another completely debasing and soul-crushing moment of pet ownership.

A quick trip to the veterinarian revealed Kit "might" have a bladder infection, but of course on the other hand he also "might not." This detailed analysis cost me about $40 to discover, and I could've essentially obtained the same service by asking a random Halo 2 player on Xbox Live. If he does have a bladder infection, I was given some antibiotics which I guess will somehow magically make his urine float into his litter box. If it's not an infection, and the cat is just basically a big jerk, there's not much I can do except retrain him to pee in cat litter, perhaps by promising him free baby bunnies to eviscerate upon successful bladder movements.

Aargh, _fcksavedurl=So a bladder infection may or may not be causing Kit to transform entire rooms into dead zones. Who knows! It is a mystery! Perhaps aliens are materializing and repeatedly yanking on his cat penis until he gives in and sprays all over the carpet! Maybe a wormhole leading to the Piss Dimension randomly opens and dumps its contents onto the floor! We'll apparently never know!

In the meantime, I'll enjoy the aggravating back pains associated with huddling over and repeatedly stabbing needles into the floor as if I'm satiating a heroin-addicted house. I'm positive all this idiocy will eventually pay off, and my countless hours of disgusting, demeaning labor will result in some fantastic carnival of pet owning joy for me.

Haha, sorry, I have no idea what I just wrote; my brain apparently went out for a while. Must be the cat piss fumes.

If you know of any miracle cat urine cures (or have piss horror stories of your own), please email me. Depending on the response, I'll write a future update addressing this cat piss epidemic. If you're feeling chatty, don't hesitate to share your cat piss experiences in this thread or our very own Pet Island forum!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)