New Best Practices for the Cancer Centers of America

To all staff of the CCA,

this message is going out to remind you of the recent updates made to our best practices. These guidelines for behavior were adjusted to reflect changing views on cancer and doctor-patient relationships. They are in no way intended to single out any specific employee nor to counteract his behavior.

Remember, the CCA is about offering a positive alternative to cancer patients during a very difficult time, but there is also such a thing as too optimistic. Please read through the new best practices and incorporate them into your demeanor and interactions with our patients.

Thank you and have a great Monday!

Dr. Timoffé Diaperslut, D.K.N.Y.

2011 Updated Best Practices for the CCA

Please consult the Best Practices Guide 2002-2010 for a comprehensive manual to CCA's best practices. Unless otherwise noted, this guide is still applicable.

DO NOT...

...high five someone following a cancer diagnosis, refer to their cancer as "no problem", "the best one," "easy cancer," "the good kind," "jackpot," or otherwise diminish the severity of someone's illness.

...advise anyone to stop wearing their motorcycle helmet or car seat belt "because, f**k it."

...refer to orally sodomizing cancer, its symptoms, or medication side effects.

...improvise raps in which you explain medication schedules or rhyme carcinomas with slang for parts of the female anatomy.

...use the names of Holocaust sites to refer to the CCA's hospice or suggest the CCA "has a bunker in a mountain where they make leukemia kids build iPods."

The CCA strives to empower our doctors to give medical advice suited to the patient and their unique situation. However, the CCA draws a line against homeopathic approaches. These include:

• "Healing Ramps" for our pediatric patients to jump their bikes.
• "Cancer Tapout" or any MMA-related "beat cancer" demonstration.
• "Health riddles" with which to cause a logic error and "melt cancer's circuits."
• Attributing the elimination of "cancer Thetans" to obscure theories or unlicensed devices.
• Performing any "sensual" or sexual act as part of a treatment. This includes nude massage.
  

We have also fielded several complaint from the Make A Wish Foundation claiming that CCA staff members have been involved in the abuse of wishes.

The following Make A Wish topics are hereby off-limits and should not be discussed with a patient, particularly a juvenile patient:

Attaching fireworks to animals, hunting vampires, ghouls, mummies, bigfoots or other supernatural creatures, watching someone have intercourse with a mule, invisibility rings, debate an astronaut about space lies, see Obama's birth certificate, unfreeze a caveman, visit the Bunny Ranch, make "dangerous clones," or reenact any scenes from Top Gun or Point Break.

Lastly, CCA would like to remind all employees that the tongue is not a diagnostic or therapeutic tool. It is covered with germs and, as we have discovered, is the third most-cited organ in lawsuits.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)