The Do's and Don'ts of Camming

A great philosopher, possibly that floating old man in Final Fantasy VII, once said that the unexamined life is not worth living. This is why it's important to live your life in front of a webcam, where it can be examined by hundreds of lonely men on the internet. Camming is also a great way to make Mad Money, like Jim Cramer, except slightly more dignified. But like any fine art, camming has its do's and don'ts, which is why we've assembled this helpful guide. Follow these simple tips and you'll soon be a famous camgirl or guy, sitting on a mattress stuffed with cash, wearing underwear covered with dollar signs and camming with your accountant while discussing your Roth IRA and stock portfolio.

Don't Forget about Sound Quality

Many amateur cammers focus solely on their makeup and wardrobe, while neglecting to provide viewers with a quality audio experience. Acoustic wall foam is cheap and can drastically reduce unwanted reverb in your moaning and sexy whispering. You can also make a DIY pop filter for your microphone using a hanger, a wooden hoop, and a pair of pantyhose you remove during a striptease.

Do Choose the Right Setting

It's important to choose a camming environment that your client will find erotic. Here are a few examples:

A dimly lit bedroom filled with candles

• PROS: Romantic atmosphere, sense of intimacy. 
• CONS: Scary.

A giant screen with your cam feed projected on it

• PROS: Looks like there are an infinite number of you. Maybe you can charge client more.
• CONS: Infinite recursion might make client contemplate the staggering complexity of the universe, killing eroticism.

Don't Share Your Personal Information...

...unless the price is right. Charge viewers at least $5 for your real name, $7 for your phone number and $10 for a map to your apartment. You may have to immediately spend the money moving and changing your name, but this is called overhead and is a normal part of business.

Do Make Small Talk with Clients

Talking with clients is a great way to build intimacy without taking your clothes off. The idea of small talk, ironically, is to talk about large, ubiquitous topics that everyone can relate to. However, there's a fine art to choosing which topics to discuss.

Good Topics: sports, weather, current events.

Bad Topics: the certitude of death, the fundamental absurdity of existence, the inability of one person to ever truly know another.

Do Stay Positive

Performing sex shows for random strangers on the internet requires high self-esteem, which is why it's vital to maintain a positive attitude. One way to do this is meditation. Before your camming session, visualize exactly how you'd like the session to go - how much money you'll make, what sex toys you'll use, and how many times you'll be asked to drink your own urine. Focus on this while staring at your glass dildo, imagining you're inside the dildo and one with its essence until you've achieved nirvana.

Don't Get Carried Away

Camming is a fun and easy source of revenue, but it can also be a "gateway drug" to more dangerous activities. We recently spoke with Shawna (not her real name), a former cam model whose life took an unfortunate turn. "I got so involved in the technical side of camming that I stopped modeling and went to college for computer engineering," she says. "Now I'm CEO of a major webcam manufacturer and don't have any time to be a sex worker, which was my real dream. Biggest mistake of my life."

Let Shawna's story be a lesson: Limit yourself to camming, or other harmless activities like stripping and prostitution, or you may end up a slave to a horrible, degrading industry that you hate.

– Jedidiah (@notoriousamoeba)