Bride of Anarchy

This article is part of the Online Anarchy series.

When the Internet first began to blossom so many years ago, it looked from afar like a beautiful rose made of dreams. That is, until you got close enough to realize it smelled like a gnarly crotch. But of course, with the nearly infinite amount of terrible information at your fingertips via your new Tandy in 1995, you can't say you didn't once consider building a potato launcher or a large molotov cocktail out of a cantaloupe. We all did, simply because the information was there. It's not like I set out to learn how to build smoke bombs out of Cream of Wheat, it was there. All the information we never even asked for was all up in our faces!

One staple of the mischief scene was a young chap who wrote many files that provided the world youth a means to go about stripping all governments everywhere of their power and to set into motion violent, anarchist revolutions anywhere they had computers. I'm pretty sure it never actually took hold, but it's fascinating to wonder about how the world would be different if our old friend XOZero had taken the reins of history.

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          |__| | | |__| |__/ |    |__| | [__   | '[__  
          |  | | | |  | |   |___ |  | | ___]  |  ___] 
     _____ _    _ _____ _____  ______ ____   ____   ____  _  __
    / ____| |  | |_   _|  __ |  ____|  _  / __  / __ | |/ /
   | |  __| |  | | | | | |  | | |__  | |_) | |  | | |  | | ' / 
   | | |_ | |  | | | | | |  | |  __| |  _ <| |  | | |  | |  <  
   | |__| | |__| |_| |_| |__| | |____| |_) | |__| | |__| | .  
    _____|____/|_____|_____/|______|____/ ____/ ____/|_|_
 
          M A Y   2 0,  1 9 9 5   -   V O L U M E   2 3
 
 Hey Gal Pals XOZero here with more of the tips you need for life.
 
 Well the time has come for more mayhem. I feel like I need to sock
it to my uncle this time for making me wear a kilt on a mosquito
day. Also it was All Sports Day at school and we had to run through
tires like football players do and I think coach saw everything
because he talked to me later about wearing my cup. Thanks so much
My Dear Uncle. Maybe when a old man sees your balls you will feel
the way I felt for once in your drab and gross life.
 
 Lets get on with some chaos shall we.. but first...
 
  COPS: DONT READ ANY FARTHER THAN THIS!!!!!!!!!! Get off the cpu
  at work and go home there is nothing to see. I'm peaceful and
  not a threat to you. Just walk away piggy fatcats. This does
  not concern you.
 
*******************************************************************
 
                       <<<< RAUNCHY RUMP >>>>
 
Does your neighbor have a rumpus room well lets make it live up to
its name. If the neighbor has a cat get a bunch of different kinds
of lunchmeat such as turkey, ham, salami, etc and place strips of
it carefully on the cats rump while the cat is lying around all day
and then get some dogs in there. They will smell the meat and go
crazy and sniff the cats rump for a long time. Then when the man
comes in he will see this dogs all sniffing the cat's rump and go
hog wild and drop his ice cream. Then boom he will look like a
dummy no questions asked. Now all you have to do is collect the
meat off the cats rump and your ready for more...
 
 
*******************************************************************
 
                        <<<< DONUT ZONE >>>>
 
Are you old enough to drive a car well you just doubled your 
anarchy potential. Basically if you go to Target and they are all
out of the big hot new video game you can do donuts out in the
parking lot until they listen to reason. If you are a good driver
you may also be able to flick the place off while you do the donuts
and this will drive away the good business and attract bad business
like rowdy bikers and drug guys and stepdads who think you are 
announcing a rodeo or a carnival or etc. Then the manager will
run outside and watch you flicking him off and doing donuts and say
"Oh No, What Have We Done, I Wish He Would Stop" and then they will
of course make something that could stop you out of stuff from
inside the store such as rope and nails and maybe they would just
go back a safe distance and roll shopping carts toward you so that
maybe you will stop but it's just a shopping cart what are they
thinking.. then an employee triest o run out and get in your car to
stop you but the doors are locked so he cant and you chase him with
your car and he jumps up on a light pole so you start doing donuts
around the light pole and laughing and flicking THAT GUY off.
 
                <<<< VARIATION: BICYCLE BEDLAM ?? >>>>
 
My friend chad asked me if the same could be done on a bike and the
answer is yes you can ride around and flick the place off but the
manager is pretty much going to tackle you straight away within
like 5 min.
 
*******************************************************************
 
                     <<<< THE BABYS RIDDLE >>>>
 
Go up to a teacher or a cop and say "I Bet You Cant Solve The Babys
Riddle" and then they will think "Well By Gum I Am Smarter Than A
Babe. I Accept The Challenge!" then start askin them questions like
"Where Does A Rabbit Sleep?" and when they answer come up with more
like "What Does A Rabbit Eat?" and "What Games Do Rabbits Play?"
and just keep this up for like 35 minutes and they will get tired
and say they can't solve the babys riddle. When this happens you
have bested them in a battle of the wits. HINT: If you try this on
a real baby and they keep listening and you get tired first you can
pretend to die.
 
*******************************************************************
 
                   <<<< THE BILL DANCE DANCE >>>>
 
Next time youre at your uncles house and he's watching the show
Bill Dance Out Doors on TNN you can impress him with this little
fact: "Hey Unc" uncles love it when you call them unc because it
reminds them of kids on tv and uncles love tv "Hey Unc Here's Some
Insider Trivia On This Epsiode. Bill Dance Cussed A Lot While He
Bagged That Trout" and your uncle will believe it. Also you can say
the cuss words he used because they were actually said by Bill and
not by you. So when he gets rowdy and starts a ruckus just say that
its Bill Dances fault and he's not yelling at you he's yelling at
Bill from TV. Then he will remember that your mom told him not to
yell at the tv anymore and to set a good example. Now go to your
room and come back in 10 minutes to find him weeping softly...
MISSION DONE!!
 
*******************************************************************
 
                        <<<< BOXING DAY >>>>
 
Sometimes when your folks buy a new major applicance such as washer
dryer or refrigerator there will be a huge enormous box with which
you can raise hell around the neighborhood. For example you can try
to deliver yourself to neighbors so ring the doorbell and when they
are all eager to open and try out their new washer you can say Argh 
and then they will be like "Whats In the Box??" and they will open
it and find you and say "What The???" and you are now in their home
so congratulations on that and when they run off to call a doctor
about their stupid old lady aunt falling in the bathtub or whatever
you can take some snacks from the kitchen and get out of there.
 
*******************************************************************
 
                       <<<< MOVIE MIX-UP >>>>
 
Welcome to the movie theater or what I like to call Prank Town
population a lot of dudes. All the best tricks these days involve
popcorn butter or so they say but I disagree because I am a man of
honor and principle and let me tell you that raisinettes are the
best because they look and feel like little poops. If you cant
figure out what to do with fake baby poops well i just have a few
words for you: fake poop puke, anyone???? Most of the time if you
start barfin up poop they will give you free movie passes so you
dont sue them and also because they are in a panic and dont know
what to do about the guy horkin up poop.
 
*******************************************************************
 
                     <<<< WHERE'S MY ARM? >>>>
 
On your first day in a new school it would be a good idea to tuck
one of your arms into your shirt. Then in a really boring class you
can start to slide it out and say "Oh My Word My Arm Is Growing Now
Lets See What Happens" then slowly your entire arm slides out to 
normal and everyone cheers even the teacher. Start to tell the 
class how happy you are to be one of them and how you have wished
for this all your life but right near the end of the speech begin
pulling your OTHER arm up into your shirt so it looks like its
shrinking and just look down at that while it goes on and start to
cry and blame the school system for doing this to you. Get real
mad and say "I Know They Had A Hand In This!!" and then pause for
a moment like you are just realizing what you said and cry louder.
COngrats you just won over every heart and mind in Earth Sciences
for your cause.
 
*******************************************************************
 
Thats how much I racked my brain this week but as always check out
Randys for more. Stay safe my bretheren and keep the dream alive.
 
XOZero
 
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  T H I S   F I L E   A N D   M O R E   A V A I L A B L E   A T
 
                  BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
                  BMB---------------------B B
                  BBB---RANDY'S REVENGE---BBB
                  BBB---------------------BBB
      Party Pete  BBB<===== SYSOPS ======>BBB  BreadKing
     Country Bud  BBB---------------------BBB  LUNG BABY
     Shake?Groan  BBB---------------------BBB  Brenda
       GoutPig93  BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB  CrudMax
                  BBBBB++++++++++++++++BBBBBB
                  BBBBB++BBBBB+++++++++BBBBBB
                  BBBBB++BBBBB+++++++++BBBBBB
                  BBBBB++BBBBB+++++++++BBBBBB
                  BBBBB++++++++++++++++BBBBBB
 
 

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)