You Idiot! You Missed Valentine's Day!

This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.

Good grief! It's February 15th, THE EXACT DAY AFTER VALENTINE'S DAY. Unless you followed Jon Hendren's questionable advice yesterday, you forgot to get something for your main squeeze. It's not too late to salvage this situation, but it's going to take money and a willingness to utilize extreme measures.

Here's what you do. First, cut all contact with that special guy or gal. Don't communicate with them at all. Be completely unavailable. Don't answer phones, open the door. Disappear from their life without explanation and leave no trace.

Second, order one of the amazing gifts outlined below from the fine maniacs at the Bradford Exchange reviewed in this article.

Finally, once your order arrives, resume contact with your loved one and make up some great excuse for your absence. Something like "I was bringing attention to the plight of our POWs by temporarily disappearing from your life" or "I was kidnapped and held hostage by angry black folks and that's why we have to vote Ron Paul right now."

If you follow my advice to the letter, your relationship can be saved. Now, let's take a look at your quality gift-buying options, shall we?

Miniature Angel Baby Dolls With Sentiments

Melt your lady's heart with a mystifying baby angel, recalled from this mortal realm at a tender age to serve as one of Heaven's weird baby floozies. She sits comfortably on a cloud and blows weird kisses at the living, wears too much makeup and suffers from some disorder of the wings. There's nothing rigid-looking at all about those wings. They look more like a giant cotton ball that's been shredded and clumped back together with excessive product. Whatever the reason, she's not going to be taking flight anytime soon. According to the website description, each baby angel has her own unique wing style, so you might get lucky and end up with one that can still fly.

"In The Spot-Light" Leopard Print Art Shirt

If you're in a relationship with the kind of lady who enjoys leopard-print attire, boy oh boy are you in luck, buddy. And sorry about every other facet of your life being so gosh-darned horrible.

As Bradford's crack writers proudly proclaim: " Your hunt for unique designer leopard print style ends right here." This shirt is "fashionably fierce" and destined to add "the thrill of wild style to your wardrobe." This is a win-win gift for sure. You make your lady happy, and you get to soak up all that "thrill of wild style" she'll be exuding as she pounces on all those other guys at the bar while you awkwardly pretend to laugh in a desperate attempt to hide the soul-crushing pain that's killing you inside.

Let Your Heart Soar! Precious Moments Tender USMC Figurine

It's a ritual that's been repeated millions of times before: a boy no more than 8 years of age must leave his darling sweetheart and travel to a foreign land to fight in a bloody war. There he will learn what it truly means to be a young boy as he copes with the hardship of survival and confronts the grim specter of death. It's just so cute and adorable! He leaves a boy, but he comes home a teen.

Al Agnew's "Spirit of the Wilderness" Leather Jacket

Everyone loves and remembers the classic NES game Al Agnew's Spirit of the Wilderness and its SNES sequel Super Al Agnew's Spirit of the Wilderness. Some twenty years later and we're finally, finally seeing some proper merchandise. Sadly, this leather jacket carries little of the charm of its source material. What we have here is the type of leather jacket worn not by a tough, imposing man well acquainted with moral ambiguity and the dark alleyways of the human experience, but the kind of man who is balding, overweight and goes on vacation cruises with his mother. Still, you're late with a gift, so you better just blindly buy this thing and hope for the best.

Happy Post-Valentine's Day everyone! Good luck repairing your busted relationships.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)