Art Crimes Against Humanity

Exclusive Eagle Art Wall Decor by Artist Ted Blaylock Soars Far and Away to the Edge of the Sky!

If soaring far and away to the edge of the sky means hanging on a wall, then holy mackerel, I've got a lot of things soaring far and away to the edge of the sky. For example, that 2007 calendar hanging next to me is really soaring far and away to the edge of the sky. Come to think of it, my thermostat is also soaring far and away to the edge of the sky.

From his point of departure in the canyon's depths, the powerful eagle rides swirling air currents past rocky heights. Here, his spirit flies free forever to the very edge of the glorious sky.

That is until the powerful eagle spots a dumpster full of slimy fish waste, where it lands and gorges itself to death, continuing its role as shining symbol of American values.

Although this might sound cruel, I sincerely hope that this trend of using deadly weapons as a canvas for bad art backfires. The day somebody uses this awful art sword as an actual weapon is going to be a good day for my funny bone. And really, even if you got stabbed in the stomach with something like this, you'd probably enjoy a laugh as well. I know I would.

Bold Dragon Art Wall Decor Collection Boasts Coiled Dragon Blades, Fantasy

First of all, as a live action lumberjack role-player, this is probably my most valuable possession. As I role-play the act of chopping down Douglas-firs in the beautiful frolicking hillsides of Western Washington, I am transported to a rich fantasy world. It's sort of like an MMO in that I pretend to have a job when in fact I'm actually a horrible failure of a man on every conceivable level.

One good thing about this amazing artistic masterpiece is that it is intrinsically manly. For too long the mighty dragon has been the dominion of fat girls living vicariously through the silly fantasy of Anne McCaffrey. They can still fantasize about having their hymens broken while riding on the backs of virile dragons all they want. And while they are fogging up their 2-inch thick 1980s eyeglasses reading their Pernography, I'll be in the backyard splitting logs in two with my rugged Paul Bunyan dragon slayer axe. When I'm done, my palms will be so bloody and gruesome from gripping the horribly impractical handle that I'll probably spend several hours in the emergency room getting stitches.

Astute eye-users will note that this axe offers a grand total of five dragons. Its painfully awkward handle has four, and there's that fiery fellow on the axe head itself. If that isn't enough, get a load of this actual feature listed on the website:

Wield the immortal strength of knights and warriors with this dragon art wall decor collection, available only from The Bradford Exchange.

How in Hades do you follow up a promise like that? I seriously want to call them up and complain that I cannot feel the immortal strength of knights and warriors coursing through my veins. Would they give me a refund?

On a related note, I am quite certain you will find it thrilling and exciting to know that there are an incredible three dragon axe designs available for purchase. Surely it is your quest in life to collect them all???

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)