Season's Greetings from the Bradford Exchange

This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.

Holiday shopping is getting bloodier every year. Old people get trampled, eyeballs get blasted with spicy chipotle pepper spray and humans descend to the level of savage beasts fighting for scraps of meat from a rotting corpse. It's a hunt as uncivilized as anything that happens in the wild.

Thankfully, there's an easy way to evade this grim scourge of holiday bloodshed and indignity: Just shop online, you dummy. You want gifts for your loved ones, friends and people you are obligated to pretend to like, and that means you need a store that has everything. Amazon.com? No, there's nothing unique there. What you need is the Bradford Exchange.

I have taken the liberty of clawing my way through their terrific selection of quality, thoughtful products to find the true shining gems. As such, you may purchase these products immediately without question. In fact, do not even bother to read or look at them, just cover your eyes and click wildly, hopefully adding all the highlighted items to your cart and paying for them in the process. You're welcome.

Kate Middleton Commemorative Porcelain Bride Doll

Celebrate the timeless tradition of royalty bein' royalty with a mildly disturbing princess action figure. This doll lovingly captures Kate's tortured smile at the exact moment she realized she was forever trapped in a nightmarish hell of paparazzi and constant scrutiny from sad people with nothing better to do.

I have to wonder how many of Bradford Exchange's finished products look anything like the terrible Photoshop mock-ups they sell on their site, because this thing doesn't look like a doll or a real person. It's like some unscrupulous scientists gave life to a horrible thing that shouldn't exist and knows it shouldn't exist.

Breed-Specific Satchel-Style Tapestry Dog Lover's Handbag

Excuse me, but do you have any breed-specific satchel-style handbags for dog lovers? Preferably, one depicting a loathsome, tiny breed of dog whose entire existence is based around endlessly yapping at nothing.

Yes, we happen to make a handbag crafted out of the captured souls and faces of tiny dogs, stitched together with demonic thread made from the back hairs of the Dark Prince himself. This lovely bag retails for a modest $89.95 and is stylish, practical and heartwarming.

This looks like one of those old textures from the hell levels in Doom where all the tortured souls were packed together in a tiny bitmap file lining the wall behind a switch, except this bag is made of the trapped souls of ugly miniature novelty dogs and is used exclusively by crazy ladies to transport medications from one casino floor to another.

Gothic Vampire Queen And Crypt Music Box

Ummm... we know you're going through a little phase, so we wanted to get you a gift that really speaks to you and your... uh... unique sensibilities. So, Merry Christmas, here's a promiscuous vampire harlot sitting on a coffin. Enjoy.

Lifelike Wild Turkey Sculpture With Jim Kasper Artwork

Merry Christmas, you ol' sack of shit! I got you a stupid turkey sitting on a rock painted with pictures of other stupid turkeys. Hope it makes you happy, you big turkey-loving idiot.

Happy Howl-idays Pre-Lit Christmas Tree

If you prefer to inflate your Christmas tree in the grand tradition of an inflatable gorilla girding a Midwestern fireworks stand or car dealership, then this pop-up tree is ideal for you. It even comes pre-festooned with bones and adorable portraits of sad, prissy dogs. After the holidays wrap up, you can simply flatten this thing down and resume your normal activity of going to craft stores for the sole purpose of striking up long conversations with the cashiers.

The amount of sadness and depression represented in this product puts pretty much every Norwegian death metal band to shame.

Sculpted Slipper Ornaments With Disney Characters

I know you're a horrible person, so I went out and found the only gift that caters to your two terrible passions: gaudy footwear and fantasy Disney princesses. Happy holidays, I guess.

Illuminated Stained-Glass Jesus Portrait Wall Décor

If we learned anything from celebrating Christmas with the Bradford Exchange, it's that Jesus is less popular than football, Elvis, Thomas Kinkade, M&Ms, eagles, wolves, gross-looking babies, dragons, dogs, marines, John Wayne, motorcycles, firemen and the glorious Confederacy. Still, if you want to commemorate Jesus you can certainly do so in the form of this fine wall-hanging that accurately captures his suffering on the cross and also lights up.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)