The Boy Scout's Oath

Comrade Timmy reflects upon his oath.On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
And to obey the scout law
To stay physically strong and mentally aware
And to refrain from crying out
When a Hot Pocket burns the roof of my mouth

I will always obey my troop leader
Though I will never look him in the eyes
Or make fun of his cape and/or scooter
If I come across a leprechaun while camping
I shall give the pot of gold to my troop leader
Unless that leprechaun grants wishes
In which case I shall wish for a complete set
Of Star Wars figures for the troop leader
Mint condition, still in their boxes

I understand that fire is a necessary part of boy scout outings
But I also realize that it is potentially harmful
I will be cautious when I burn books and artwork,
Making sure that my fireproof suit is properly secured
And that my firehose has no leaks through which kerosene may spill

If an elderly woman needs help crossing the street,
I will take her hand and help her across
I will then take her across another street
And another
Paying no mind to her protests and struggles
We will circumnavigate the globe
The only time I speak will be to lecture her
On the rudeness of imposing on others
If she dies somewhere around Cairo
(As they usually do)
I will carry her the rest of the way
To do any less would betray the point

I will stay vigilant in ridding my impure body of thetans
By showering three times a day with a brillo pad
The thetans will always be there
But I must not let them control me

I will keep my inner thighs rock hard
For the only things a scout can rely on
Are betrayal at the hands of those he trusts
And a pair of thighs that can crush a windpipe
As easily as they can open a jar of applesauce
Or flatten a grenade mere seconds before it can detonate

I will stomp the yard with pride every day,
Honoring the centuries-old tradition
I will show a great deal of respect for stomping and for the yard in all that I do,
Even when I'm laying the bed or sitting the couch
My actions reflect upon stomping as a whole at all times
And I must act accordingly

The final moments of Troop 514My belly is my furnaceIf this machine is to carry out the troop leader's commands
I must keep it stoked at all times
To do this I promise to only stalk and devour
Those fellow scouts who display a weakness of some sort

I will travel only under the cover of night
Avoiding the One Who Rides The Boar
And his trusty greatsword Lightbringer
The shadows are my safety
And soon we shall amass an army large enough
To deal with him once and for all

If I am captured by the enemy and questioned
I will fall back upon my cyanide tooth as a last resort
After I have bitten my captors with that cyanide tooth
I will bite through the ropes binding me with my sulfuric acid tooth
Then destroy the base by biting it with my dynamite tooth
And finally bite through my normal tooth with my diamond tooth

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)