The Official Review of U2's "Songs of Innocence"

6. Volcano

Get this: volcano is a metaphor. Also a metaphor: balls, which this song metaphorically eats.

7. Raised by Wolves

"I don't believe annnnNyyyymoorrre," croons a billionaire who hangs out with Bill Clinton and never takes off his sunglasses.

No one is still listening to this boring trash by this point. On any level.

8. Cedarwood Road

Starts out like a Kid Rock song and then Bono starts singing and makes you wish this were a Kid Rock album everyone in the world got for free on their stupid phone.

9. Sleep Like a Baby Tonight

You literally cannot delete this album. It's like if Columbia House sent you those albums you didn't want, only they were ghosts that haunted you forever. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and seeing Counting Crows' Recovering the Satellites and Garbage's self-titled album floating over your bed. You wouldn't be sleeping like a baby. Get it? The only way to hide this album from your list on your phone (and therefore prevent it from being dumped into a shuffle of all your music) is to turn off showing music stored in the cloud, which means you have to now download all the music you want on your phone. So either deal with hearing this shit or sacrifice a feature of your Apple product.

10. This is Where You Can Reach Me Now

Anywhere, everywhere, inescapably. That is where you can reach Bono.

11. The Troubles

No human being will ever enjoy this music. Not the old lady doing yoga at the park. Not the kid listening to Chief Keef in his car when this suddenly comes on. Not the Arab guys arguing about it in one of those coffee shops where they drink the little tiny cups of coffee. It doesn't even have the decency to be offensively bad. It's something far worse than that and it will unite the world in annoyance.

Verdict

You had stopped listening to U2 years and years ago. Now it's finally time to stop buying Apple products. There are a lot of good reasons, but this is the most recent. They just threw up bad music into the middle of your life and won't even let you use a mop to clean it up. May this forever taint the career of every single person involved in this soulless assemblage of big-budget mediocrity.

U2 isn't the only dead horse Zack is willing to beat. Catch him with a shovel and a baseball bat in the horse graveyard of his Facebook page.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)