Essential Lifehacks For Blackhat Lifehackers

Perfect Eggs Every Time

Hold an egg in your cupped hands. Put your hands over a fire, squeezing them together gently to crack the egg open. Try not to let any egg liquid or egg shell fall out between your fingers. When your skin is severely burned the eggs are probably lukewarm. Close enough!

Efficiently Packing For A Trip

Grab up all of your clothes. Push them inside the biggest shirt you got. In a small bathroom with the door closed, seal the shirt's holes with rubber cement, holding the ends together with your burned hands to make sure they dry properly.

Get Every Drop Of Toothpaste From The Tube

90% of all whitehat lifehacks involve chip clips. Amateurs.When you start to run low on toothpaste, use a can opener to slice an opening along the tube's longest side. Now turn the tube inside out by pushing the inside through the opening. Once the inside has been exposed, press the tube into your mouth and clench your teeth together. Grind your teeth as hard as you can to really scrape up the last of that toothpaste.

You're not done yet. There's still more toothpaste in there.

With the tube still in your mouth, strap yourself in one of those astronaut training things. You know, the centrifuge pod that spins around until you black out from sustained g-forces. A few hours at the highest setting should knock every toothpaste particle loose.

Free Up Some Space In Your Kitchen Cabinets

Take all your pots and pans out of your cabinets. Now take all your canned goods and spices out too. Pile all that stuff in the center of your kitchen, or anywhere in your house, really. Just as long as its on the ground. Boom. Extra storage room in your cabinets.

This tip also works wonders for closets, dressers, and medicine cabinets.

Open A Stubborn Jar

Buy a garbage disposal unit with an opening large enough to allow the biggest jar you can imagine and install it in your sink. Grab the jar by its bottom. Turn on the garbage disposal. Slowly (or quickly) shove that thing in, lid side first. Keep pressing until you hear a disturbing sound.

Save Lots On Your Heating Bills

Start a big honkin' bonfire in your living room.

Alternatively, buy a bunch of that stuff. You know, the foam that starts to expand when it hits the air, then sets into a spongey solid after a few hours. Slather a layer of that stuff all over your walls and ceiling. Keep repeating that process until the interior of your home is literally a hole the size of your body just inside the front door. Now drill a narrow tunnel to the nearest heating vent. Done.

Never Worry About Missing Garbage Day Again

You wake up to the sound of the garbage truck slowly driving away from your home. Wait, did you bring the cans out last night? No. Shit. This is not a good way to wake up.

Next time you forget to leave your garbage at the curb, don't stress out. There's a simple solution.

Pour the contents of your trash bags on the center of your street directly in front of your driveway. Make a note that reads:

If anyone's heading to the dump, please take this with you. Thanks!

Be sure to sign the note. Make a photocopy of your driver's license, social security card, and any credit cards you might have. Now keep those photocopies for your records and fasten the originals to the note with a paperclip. Place the note on top of the trash pile and walk away, secure in the knowledge that you've done everything within your power.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)