Looking for deals? Door busters? The only door you need to bust this holiday is the one waiting to be unlocked inside yourself. Why are you joining the crowds this holiday shopping season when you can become one with the energy of every crowd and the stores and all matter that exists in the same unified moment? Smoke a huge amount of DMT and access the best Christmas bargains ever. These deals are waiting for you or your loved ones to find. To become. To emancipate from the falseness of the real.
For Cousins/Friends
The Underlying Geometric Patterns That Constitute All Reality and Intention
Beneath all actions and thoughts are glowing wire frames and glyphs and unfolding mandalas of radiant purpose describing the structures of reality and the future positions of matter and energy. For shoppers on a budget or for those friends and family members who are not near the top of your list this Christmas.
For Grandma
The Burning Minotaur That Speaks with the Voice of Fathers Been and Yet-to-be
It knows the moments of your birth and death and imparts their meaning in a language older than any spoken on earth. All guilt and pain will slip away in the minotaur's presence and you will become one with the beings that have watched since before time pierced the coordinate of singular existence. If you know someone in your life who is frightened of dying, this is a great way to remind them that we are all part of the same energy that created the universe.
Dad, Siblings, or Yourself
The Kaleidoscope That Swallows and the Beings Beyond the Colors
You are in a revolving tunnel of reds and greens and whites that pulse with the beating of your heart. You once believed you were finite and connected to the infinite, but if you are truly connected to the infinite then you are infinite as well. The beings beyond the colors (Grays? Proto-humans?) speak in a reassuring whisper. You are infinite. All things are infinite. All moments will collapse in death into a single color and that color will carry you to the next, until you are the color itself, like a beam of sunlight through a prism, your constituents dividing into new patterns. This makes for a great way to treat a very close family member this Black Friday.
Mom
The Revelation of Knowledge Forbidden By Physical Mind Existence
The smoke leaves your lungs and the world corrodes into fractal polygons. Knowledge cannot be possessed, it can only flow through the physical mind and leave stains upon the folded canals of brain tissue. Transgressing physical mind existence allows you to embody new information states and coalesce the knowledge forbidden to matter-things. Most of this knowledge is about cell phones being connected to our bodies by invisible energy, but it doesn't actually matter who or what you talk to, the information will reach its destination. Mom will love this one.
Your Lawyer Brother
Everything is Golden and We Are All Moving Even Though It Seems We Are Standing Still
For the person in your life who seems to have everything before Christmas, you can't go wrong with shifting the world into millions of twinkling golden stars and exposing the motion of our bodies through space at incredible speeds. The Native Americans and the grays knew this long ago, before they seeded our planet with life. We move forward and backward and in all directions at once. Gravity was told to us to keep us from flying into the infinite. Although maybe wait for Cyber Monday on this one.
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This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Previous Articles
- This is the Thanksgiving We Acknowledge Your Brother's Realdoll Girlfriend
- Essential Lifehacks For Blackhat Lifehackers
- Dear Library, Please Forgive the Following Fines
- Pokémon Battle Tips From A Psychopath
- The Good Nerd From the GE Commercials is Developing the Singularity
