Bret Stephens writes an angry letter to Chuck E. Cheese about an employee's tweet

Dear Mr. Cheese,

Is this the sort of person you want representing your enterprise? I believe Entertainment is literally your middle name, but there is nothing entertaining about a young man who is old enough to know better referring to me eating "a heavy loaf" of feces because of my views on climate change.

Nor do I find it polite to suggest that I should quit my job at the paper of record to work for a think tank called "The Self Suck Institute" because I "suck my own dick on the regs." I can assure you that I have never attempted to orally copulate myself and even if I had I would not abandon a successful career to write white papers about doing so.

I would like to invite you, Mr. Cheese, as well as Mr. Spoggler, to come to my home and meet me and realize that I am not "an expired fruit on the bottom yogurt if the fruit was actually Morning Joe." I would like Mr. Spoggler to apologize to my wife and tell my children that I am not "jacking off thinking about civility while kids are dying in cages."

If we could just learn to interact in a respectful way, perhaps I will not need to call the police nor the mayor. I believe you are very reliant on your good standing with the health inspector, Mr. Cheese. Perhaps you and Mr. Spoggler should consider that before upbraiding professional writers on the Internet.

This is a standing offer, but my patience has its limits, Mr. Cheese. Deal with the rogue in your midst before I am forced to do so.

Yours cordially,

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)