How to Become an Adult Novelty Baron, Probably

I'm not a dildo baron myself, but I do have an eye for opportunity and a nose for adventure. I'm also not a businessman and have no patience for much of anything but computer jokes, so here's how I assume a person with a little bit of time and money could actually turn their entire life around with the help of a truckload of dildos. If you become a millionaire doing this stuff, just buy me a beer sometime. Similarly, if you lose your life savings on a dildo venture, don't come looking for me. I also have no connections to the dildo world and don't really care if you try 

Dildo Construction

Don't worry about it! You can order huge shipments of cheap and probably non-toxic dildos straight from China or other major manufacturing regions for a pittance. Go look around the Internet for dildeals. Personally, I like the look of the (Not work-safe warning) wide range of dildos available from trading hub Alibaba (which seems to be like a weird bulk eBay that even sells dangerous chemicals) that you can order for just a few bucks a pop, in cases of 500 or 1,000 or more, and they're yours to do with as you please! Don't keep too many for yourself, though-- it'd probably be a good idea to try and sell them for $30 or more. Maybe more if the dildos look valuable, shiny, unique, or bejeweled in some way. Just order a crate of strange dildos from overseas, idiot!

Packaging

You can't just sell loose dildos to people. Probably nobody is going to buy a loose dildo out on the street out of a rusty shopping cart full of dildos. (But the kind of folks who WOULD may also more easily be repeat customers, so maybe it's not a terrible idea.) Your best bet is to go traditional and box them up somehow. Get boxes or freezer bags somewhere. I don't know anything about packaging, really, except for the fact that you'll need...

Marketing

Your packaging will need lots of sexy slogans in order to sell the product and drive the sale home-- to the checkout register. Come up with your own, or take a gander at some hot slogans of mine:

• "Work Your Hole Over With This Monster"
• "Just Shove It Up In There, Why Not"
• "Wow Look How Big It Is. Hide This One, You're Toast If Someone Finds It"
• "The Gallant Dildo"
• "The Buick Of Fake Dicks"
• "Wow"
• "'Buy my huge sick dildos that you can twirl through your fingers to impress friends and onlookers. Make them think you know what you're doing.' -A promise from our CEO"

You will also need a friendly mascot. I suggest the Dildog (not the dog from Dilbert). You'll need to use your own creativity to decide whether Dildog is a dildo-shaped dog, a dog-shaped dildo, or a dopey cartoon dog that roams the town with a dildo stuck in it. I refuse to say how I picture the Dildog because I don't want anyone thinking any less of me as a person.

Conclusion

If you've spent about $4 per "unit" and like $2 each on hot packaging, then spent a couple minutes of your own time folding each box out and placing a dildo inside, you're only up to like $7 each. Turn around and sell those things for like $30, and you are now basically a millionaire. All you have to do now is sell 3 or 4 dildos every hour every day to your family, friends, and neighborhood to make a living. Don't worry, those bad boys will practically sell themselves.

Good luck, and happy dildoing!

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)