Memos from Bear Cave: the Family Business

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: August 10, 1981
Subject: Hostile Takeover

I've got terrible news for you idiots. You're all going to lose your jobs. Your children are going to starve and die slowly in front of your eyes. Your whole world is going to end. If half of you make it through the day without committing suicide, I'd be shocked.

That is... unless I save you.

You won't remember this because I ordered it stricken from the record, but several weeks ago I named my grandfather as my successor. Unfortunately, he died moments later. Due to the rigged laws of this country, his awful son inherited the company. Unfortunately, my lawyer is either dead or in a Thai prison, so I was not able to fully wrangle control back. That son of a bitch Duke Boruff now owns half the company, and has insisted on coming to work.

Many of you cower at the sight of your fathers. I am no such man. I intend to break my father. I will do everything in my power to destroy him before he ruins my company. Any of you who stand in my way or show the slightest loyalty to him will face a reckoning.

Get back to work.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: August 10, 1981
Subject: Mind Your Own Business

This is my building and if I want to board half of it up so you can't get in, that's my business. You don't snoop around, you don't ask questions and you don't gawk at all the motorcycles in the parking lot. I am prepared to strangle each and every one of you. That is my promise.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: August 10, 1981
Subject: Let's Make Some Soup!

Hey Cats,

I know my son J.D. has been pretty strict with the rules, but as the new co-owner, I think it's high time we lighten the mood. First things first, if you have to use the restroom, don't let me get in the way. You're still doin' business in there, which counts as hard work in my book.

Also, I understand you may have received some mixed messages in the past. My grandsons are not to be spit on or hissed at when they enter the premises. This is a family business, and as far as I'm concerned, we're all one big happy family making soup together.

And gang, there's no need to call me "sir." I've never been a sir, just a Duke. Let's keep it casual. We're all equals here.

Your pal,

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: August 10, 1981
Subject: Ignore the Last Memo

You are ordered to disregard the last memo, and any subsequent memos from "Duke." This is not a family business. The very notion of family is a disgusting lie. Everyone you love will betray you and probably has many times already.

"Duke" is not a soup man. His hands have not been burned by scalding soup as our hands have. He doesn't know the sacrifices and brutality of this industry. He has no stomach for the dark and terrible things we must do to feed our cheap, stupid customers.