Memos from Bear Cave: Employee Reviews

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: May 2, 1979
SUBJECT: SHUT UP

To every moron reading this note I just slid out from under my door: stop yelling. You can't all shout at once. Go back to your desks. I'm instructing Tall Charlie to stand outside my door and swing around a machete indiscriminately. He will be wearing a blindfold and earplugs to ensure total objectivity and no bias with his reckless swinging.

If you have an appointment, you can come yell your accomplishments. How do you know if you have an appointment? First, ask yourself this simple question: do you deserve one? I don't think you do. Second, look between your legs. Do you have a pair of balls? If so, put 'em on the table and step up to the plate. If you can avoid his swinging blade long enough to tell me why you deserve a raise, I'll listen.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: May 2, 1979
SUBJECT: Update on Tall Charlie

Tall Charlie is now standing guard at the entrance to the hallway leading to my door, due to the fact he exploited his assignment to yell his accomplishments through the door.

TO: Bear Cave Soup Co. Soupyard Workers
DATE: May 2, 1979
SUBJECT: Think Twice.

You boys in the soupyards can abandon any hope of ever getting a raise or promotion. Don't think your actions out there escape my watchful eyes. I know you've been removing rat carcasses from the soup vats, as well as cleaning out animal feces. I hired you to do honest work, not pick out the ingredients you're too finicky to eat. If any of you idiots think you're smart enough to make soup, prove it by starting your own tell it to somebody who gives a damn.

And I'm still pissed one of you morons discarded Bouillon's lower jaw when it fell into vat #3 instead of returning it to me so I could staple it back on like I've been doing for the past few weeks. For your information, that jawless mutt is proving he's more of a man than any of you by having the goddamn stubbornness to never give up.

I've got Joy Staplehorn mashing up her favorite meal of month-old onions and fresh raccoon every morning and pouring it into his gullet with a funnel instead of doing her normal job in finance. I would make one of you do it, but that would be a promotion.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: May 2, 1979
SUBJECT: More Complaints

I've gotten wind about more complaining. Many of you are angry no raises have been handed out. today Well, last time I checked none of you idiots are God and therefore don't get to decide reality. Aside from me, Ðâng Lành has gotten a sizeable raise. And unlike you ugly-headed idiots, he does his job without anyone ever seeing him.

If any of you want a Ðâng Lành raise, you're going to need to get your hands bloody. The type of work he does would make most of you weep like Joy Staplehorn wept when I threatened to stuff baby snakes in her mouth.

But, since I'm dealing with children here, I will coddle you all with a raise of $10 a year effective the start of next year. All employees are hereby mandated to give Bouillon a bath at least once a month on top of regular duties, effective immediately.

CONGRATULATIONS.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)