Memos from Bear Cave: Employee Reviews

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: May 2, 1979
SUBJECT: Raises

According to my eyes and ears in the field, there was a lot of talk about "long overdue raises" going around the office yesterday. Let me just say this: I got my raise, and I got it in a timely fashion. If you didn't get yours, it's because you're not doing your job well.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: May 2, 1979
SUBJECT: Impromptu Employee Reviews

Since a large number of you are apparently talking very loudly about quitting, I will entertain the thought of giving some raises today. Normally I would instinctively tell any son of a bitch who doesn't like how I run my business to go start their own soup company, but fifteen of your treacherous former colleagues have already done just that and they're all clobbering us in sales. Obviously this is due to them stealing and employing my successful business strategies and not because of any failure on my part.

I will be meeting with employees throughout the day to determine if they deserve a raise. As a precautionary measure to prevent widespread flight, I have had Ðâng Lành slash all the tires in the parking lot. He's still out there, in the parking lot, with a knife.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: May 2, 1979
SUBJECT: We Have a Business to Run

You all have jobs to do, so get back to work and stop standing in a line outside my office. I said I would meet with you. I'm the boss, so any such meetings will be on my terms. You do not get to dictate to me how things get done around here. If you think you can do better, prove it by starting your own soup company. I will listen to your dumb ideas, then explain to you just how dumb you are and how your stupid head angers me every time I have to see it.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: May 2, 1979
SUBJECT: Here's how this is going to work

Nobody is to attempt to enter my office. When we have a meeting, you will stand outside my door and yell your dumb name and your pathetic accomplishments through the door. Once you're done yelling please return to your desk and refrain from speaking for the rest of the day.