Memos from Bear Cave: Company Picnic Day

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 9:06 AM
SUBJECT: Reasons to Talk To Me

There are only three reasons to talk to me today.

1) You need me to audit your leavings in the Porta-John;

2) You want me to provide you a bowl of my famous five-alarm chili (when it's ready);

3) You spotted my idiot rockabilly son in or around the park and want to let me know so I can go shoot him in the head. As you know I plan to murder him on first sight after he accidentally ran over my beloved dog Bouillon's head with his hot rod. I don't care if Bouillon got right back up after the incident, because that's what fighters do. I still want that no-good rockabilly dead.

If you try to talk to me for any other reason I am liable to punch you in your ugly face. If I have something to say, I'll hand you a memo.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 11:24 AM
SUBJECT: Leaving Early

In case any of you get a mind to leave early, I should give you fair warning: I have employed a sharpshooter. His name is Ðâng Lành and he was one of the best solders the Viet Cong ever produced. I met him during my days in the war and was so impressed by his ability to capture and torment his enemies that I hired him on the spot. He's been working for me ever since. You may be wondering why you've never seen him around the office. The answer is simple: I don't pay him to be seen. Rest assured he's out there watching your every move, gathering intelligence, setting traps and being a model employee.

Go ahead and see what happens if you try to leave early.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 12:00 PM
SUBJECT: Come Eat Some Goddamn Chili

I have finished preparing a batch of my famous five-alarm chili. If you've got anything resembling a spine, you better come up and get some.

Do not make eye contact with me while I'm serving it.

Do not waste any either. These ingredients don't grow on trees, and if I see any chili being poured out or thrown away, I will be docking your pay.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 12:15 PM
SUBJECT: Quit Hovering Around the Porta-John

I know my famous five-alarm chili is hard on the intestines, but that doesn't give you any excuse to go crap it up. Quit forming lines around the Porta-John and enjoy the day. There will be plenty of time for defecating later.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 1:00 PM
SUBJECT: Sack Race

The sack race will be starting in 15 minutes. I expect all of you to grab a partner and participate. I have already placed a small bet of $200.00 on the team of Pete Gersh and Leland Brownwig, so it's in everybody's best interest to let them win. There will be prizes for first, second and third place. The most fit among you can look forward to winning some promissory soup bonds left over from last year's holiday bonuses.