Memos from Bear Cave: Daddy's Home

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: July 15, 1981
Subject: The Charlie Business Is Sorted Out

From now on, Tall Charlie will be known as Short Charlie. Charlie Grossman is now Tall Charlie. To avoid any confusion, Tall Charlie will remain my right-hand man. If you have any problems, report them directly to Tall Charlie. If they are worth my time, he will tell Short Charlie and Short Charlie will tell me.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: July 16, 1981
Subject: Some Actual Good News

I just got off the horn with a man I didn't even know existed. It turns out my grandfather saw the article in the paper this morning and recognized his no-good rockabilly son. He also recognized me as his grandson. Like I said, there is no such thing as bad press.

My granddad is a real man. After talking to him, I can tell he has zero tolerance for rockabillyism, long hair, and all the other things destroying our society. He is a patriot, and he has killed a lot of men in and out of combat. He's also extremely interested in the business and our bottom line, so I've asked him to come and help out. He starts tomorrow.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: July 16, 1981
Subject: Get It Right, Bozos

Stop taking your grievances to Short Charlie. You tell Tall Charlie, and he decides if it's worth telling Short Charlie. If Short Charlie agrees, then he will tell me. I don't understand how you idiots can call yourself adults and not understand basic instructions.

Does Short Charlie look tall to you? He is only 6'3". Tall Charlie is 6'5". It's not rocket science.

To: Tall Charlie
Date: July 16, 1981
Subject: Figure this out

It's been a busy as hell year and a lot has happened. Can you find out if I am still married? I can't remember the last time I talked to my wife, if I even still have one. I yell at so many women they start to blur together.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: July 17, 1981
Subject: Daddy's Home

My granddaddy is already making a huge difference. He's taken it upon himself to launch a new flavor of soup and is screaming so loud at the boys in R&D you can hear it from the parking lot. I never thought I'd meet a man meaner than me, but he's everything I hoped my real father would be and more.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: July 17, 1981
Subject: Bathroom Abuse & Important Ceremony

My granddaddy let me know a bunch of you jerks are wasting valuable company water by flushing needlessly. He's volunteered to hang out in the bathroom and personally inspect all your leavings. He's going to make this company a fortune.

His three hours of hard work today aren't lost on me. I've long wanted to appoint a successor. My sons have all failed me, so I turn now to my next of kin: my 98-year-old granddaddy. He is eight times the man any of you will ever be.

Because of this, we are all working tomorrow. I don't care if you consider Saturday to be time off. If you want time off, you can quit.

You are all required to come in for an important event tomorrow in the soupyards. We'll be christening the very first batch of granddaddy's soup idea. The No. 3 vat is already being cleaned and prepared for the inaugural batch of "Spicy Bison Chowder." During the ceremony, I will also be naming him as my successor and new vice president.

I've also strong-armed that vest-wearing idiot from the newspaper to come back and report a real story. He was quite agreeable when I threatened to turn his preposterously small and fussy dogs into soup.

There will be no free food provided, so make sure you all bring in plenty to share.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: July 18, 1981
Subject: The Soup Industry Has Suffered Its Darkest Day

There will be no further batches of Spicy Bison Chowder. There will only be one batch, and it will be renamed Memorial Spicy Bison Chowder. That soup is as much a part of my granddaddy as he is a part of that soup.

Furthermore, you are all forbidden from reading tomorrow's newspaper. That means no reading the article about how my granddaddy tragically passed away after falling into the boiling No. 3 vat while trying to stab his son, who showed up along with my three idiot rockabilly sons to perform some kind of terrible musical medley. That means no looking at the pictures of my idiot father and three idiot sons performing happily together while trying to win my favor, or any pictures of the events that followed, including me trying to shoot them, trying to stab them, and trying to splash buckets of boiling soup on them.

Because of the chaos, I have instructed Tall Charlie to strike today from the company records. You will not be paid for today. You can make it up by coming in tomorrow, which you will also not be paid for.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)