Memos from Bear Cave: World of Corn

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Brick Linehouse
CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D
DATE: January 15, 1979
SUBJECT: Don't send me gibberish, send me answers.

I don't want to hear excuses. I don't care about your "corn containment system breach" or your "kernel entanglement" problems. Are you telling me there is no way to add more corn to the mixture? Is that what you are saying, Brick? Because that is something a no-good nancyboy would say.

Don't tell me why it is not working, because I could have any number of geniuses come in and do your job in a heartbeat. Do you want that? Do you want your kids lining the streets of New York City hustling to survive? No more whiny excuses about "soup vat density reaching critical mass" because you can bet Burt Tallahassee over at Royal Mariner is getting real results from his boys.

TO: Brick Linehouse
CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D
DATE: January 17, 1979
SUBJECT: Don't waste my time.

I asked you to deliver me a Quadruple Corn formula, and you tell me you invented an endless energy source? What the hell am I supposed to do with that, tell Burt Tallahassee our lights will never go out? I don't care how much energy you can generate by splitting kernels, because we are a goddamn soup company and we make goddamn soup.

Get back to work. And just so we stay ahead of Burt and his boys, you damn well better QUINTUPLE THE AMOUNT OF CORN. I don't care how out how you get it done, but your team is crossing the quadruple corn barrier. End of story.

TO: Brick Linehouse
CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D
DATE: January 18, 1979
SUBJECT: I WANT REAL RESULTS

I just tasted your Quintuple Corn Chowder formula and I'm still tasting chowder. Take out some of the damn chowder and put more corn in it.

And as for your memo today: NO, you can't take the rest of the week off. I don't care if Cade Boatmore died in an explosion. With the exception of my idiot son, this company employs only grown-ups. If you can't be man enough to work through tragedy, then you better tell your kids to start practicing their hustling skills. Cade died doing what he loved: doing a half-ass job. Get back to work and forget about Cade.

TO: Brick Linehouse
CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D
DATE: January 19, 1979
SUBJECT: YOU BEAUTIFUL GENIUS

Don't think for one second that I don't realize what you have done here. You showed an awful lot of gumption coming in here and slamming that can of Octuple Corn Chowder down on my desk. You took a regular can of corn and put a new label on it. That's the kind of forward thinking I pay you for! It may not be soup, but it'll put hair on a girl scout's chest.

And for fuck's sake, Brick, double the size of the can so our idiot consumers can see it all the way from the cereal aisle. Burt Tallahassee is going to look like one huge buffoon at the upcoming Soup & Broth Expo next month in Houston.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)