The Battle of the Beasts

If you have not noticed, my friends, there is a war being fought. A war between good and evil, a war between right and wrong, a war between freedom and the opposite of freedom I am not really sure what that is. A war between dinosaurs and bunnies. The troops need your support. Please, for the love of god, do not just sit there in nothing but a cape and eat pizza. Get up and do something, make a difference. Buy some Moofwear. "But why? I do not have any money and I am living on the street like the hobo that I deserve to be", I hear you plead. Well my hobo friend, they say a picture tells a thousand words so please glance a little down on the monitor that I can only assume you keep in your shopping cart and wheel around with you on your travels, and you will see exactly what is happening to this world.

The horror, the horror. Click for bigger horror.

I hope you understand now, hobo buddy. Allow me to introduce you to some of the poor, brave soldiers fighting this awful and brutal war:

The Dinosaurs

These creatures were the unwilling participants in this war. A peaceful kind, the dinosaurs were content to spend their days lumbering around and eating trees. They had no place for violence, and rarely even exchanged strong words except when absolutely necessary. This all changed when the bunnies set their greedy eyes on global domination and the gentle dinosaurs, sometimes known as "Nature's Elephants", were dragged into the hell on earth that is total war. Let me introduce you to some of these benign beasts.

Name: Bonky the Brontosaurus

Class: Heavy Gunner

Strengths: Bonky has an amazing amount of firepower strapped to his side. He has eliminated over twelve thousand bunnies in his career, and for every one he kills he lights a candle that night and cries a little for the absurdity of it all. He is very strong and worries about all the bugs that he must stand on with his giant feet but he tries not to let it get to him. When in battle, Bonky likes to hum quietly to himself to take his mind off the destruction.

Weaknesses: Sometimes Bonky closes his eyes in the middle of battle. He a big slow cumbersome creature, and has been known to take an hour to walk just a few feet. He is extremely worried about the consequences of his actions, and so he thinks for a little while before he does anything at all. This including moving his feet to walk.

Current Thoughts: "Oh no oh deary me oh no oh no hmm hmmmm hmm hmmmmm hmmm doop de dum dum deep."

Favorite Song: The Monkees - Daydream Believer.

Name: Splotch the Stegosaurus

Class: Suicide Bomber

Strengths: When Splotch explodes it will blow a lot of things up, hopefully bunnies. He can be pretty quick on his feet when he spots a target, but obviously has not followed all the way through yet. They day that he does will be a very dark day indeed for the bunnies, and he will be rewarded in heaven by all the plants that he can eat.

Weaknesses: He has been a suicide bomber for 43 years. He has not helped in the fight at all so far. Most dinosaur suicide bombers never succeed in blowing up bunnies but mostly explode when they trip over a rock or log.

Current Thoughts: "Oh no this is not what I want oh no oh God I can't stop myself oh God."

Favorite Song: the Lovin' Spoonful - What a Day for a Daydream.

Name: Hoggy the Hippopotamus

Class: Paratrooper

Strengths: Hoggy has the element of surprise on his side. When you are fighting a war, the thought "I really hope a hippopotamus with a double-barreled machine gun does not fall from the sky right now." is usually not the first thing on your mind. However for the bunnies it should be, because they are about to get a hippopotamus-shaped surprise.

Weaknesses: When he lands he usually craters and can not stand up for a week.

Current Thoughts: "broccoli is like little trees."

Favorite Song: Aretha Franklin - Day Dreaming.

Name: Diggy the Diplodocus

Class: Tank Commander

Strengths: Diggy enjoys driving around in his tank and loves the smell of gasoline. He trundles around the battlefield singing happy songs which really cheers everyone up on the battlefield. Everyone smiles when he drives past, like children laughing when the ice cream truck comes down the street. Another strength is that he is in a tank with a really big gun.

Weaknesses: The tank is a fairly big target on the battlefield, and the bunnies can always find him by following the beautiful sound of his song. Sometimes he just stops driving at all and just sits in the middle of the battlefield singing.

Current Thoughts: "La la la de doop de doop de deep moop do meep doop de do moop de dloop."

Favorite Song: The Bonniwell Music Machine - Time Out (For a Daydream).

The Bunnies

The war was started by the bunnies. Why they started the war no one is sure and they will not say, but it is assumed that it is because they are evil and greedy and really really hate dinosaurs. They never stop fighting, and find their strength in numbers. They swarm the enemy in lighting-quick strikes. If you have ever been attacked by bunnies, as I have, I am sure you understand the horror of being swarmed by hundreds of tiny little fluffy bunnies. The terror is indescribable and I hope to god none of you ever have to go through what I went through.

Name: Claude the Bunny

Class: Trooper

Strengths: Supported by hundreds of others of his kind, Claude is unstoppable. He is small and flexible and really good at tunneling and digging trenches. He is really really cute, seriously you have no idea. When you hug him his whiskers tickle a little bit and it feels amazing.

Weaknesses: Alone, Claude is weak. If he were to face a dinosaur on his own his only chance of survival would be to bury himself in the ground or hop away really fast. He has a lot of trouble righting himself if placed upside down. Though I don't suppose that happens often, it would be inconvenient if it does.

Current Thoughts: "I am strong like bull."

Favorite Herb: Oregano.

Name: Boris the Bunny

Class: Medic

Strengths: Without Boris and other medic bunnies, they would have lost the fight long ago and the world would be happy and children would play and smile where once rabbits and dinosaurs fell. He is quick to hop to the assistance of any of his comrades and once made a whole new rabbits out of different rabbit parts he found strewn about the ground.

Weaknesses: The rabbit that he made had 3 ears no eyes and exploded killing 17. He has no weapon.

Current Thoughts: "That mountain looks like an ear of corn."

Favorite Herb: Soapwort.

Name: Jurgen the Bunny

Class: Pyro Trooper.

Strengths: In close quarters, Jurgen is practically unstoppable. He can carry plenty of fuel in the tanks on his back, and also keeps lettuce and carrots in the tanks in case he gets hungry.

Weaknesses: There is a strong chance of accidents because rabbit fur is incredibly flammable. The flames spread quickly, jumping from one bunny to the next until hundreds are turned to bunny ash. He has no long range weapons. If the enemy is out of range he often just hops in circles, confused.

Current Thoughts: "I hope you like burning, my dinosaur friend."

Favorite Herb: Lemon Balm.

Name: Hans the Bunny

Class: Intelligence and Support.

Strengths: Hans can call in air support and request artillery strikes against the enemy. This is very useful in destroying large portions of dinosaur battalions before they are even in fighting range. He can also order pizza while on the field.

Weaknesses: Bunnies do not eat pizza, but lettuce and carrots. The radio is really heavy for a little bunny to carry and it hurts his back.

Current Thoughts: "Oh god I forgot the number for napalm support again."

Favorite Herb: Pennyroyal.

 The Bees

The Bees, technically, are fighting for the dinosaurs. The bees are good and have a great sense of righteousness and so did not hesitate to join the good fight for the dinosaurs. The problem lies in the fact that bees are incredibly, mind-blowingly, stupid. dinosaurs are pretty dumb, but seriously, they have nothing on bees. This is not helped by the bees' love of honey which acts as a hallucinogen. The bees mostly fly around in circles and sometimes drop bombs. Sometimes the bombs may land close to a bunny, injuring it, but most of the time the only thing that the Bees really hurt is a rock or plant if they get lucky. As the picture above shows, a lot of the time bees mistake dinosaurs for bunnies. In the course of the war, approximately 63% of dinosaur casualties have been from friendly fire incidents caused by bees. The dinosaurs tolerate the bees because they just don't have the heart to ask them to stop.

By now the war should seem very real to you, and you must have some understanding of why it is so important to support the troops (please note: these shirts do not support actual troops, only pretend ones. They do support hurricane victims). Whether you believe in the righteous fight of the good, or maybe you are a terrible evil person and wish for the destruction of all that is good and green and huge and a dinosaur. I hope to God the dinosaurs can pull through, but it looks bleak. Imagine a world without dinosaurs. It hurts me, deep in the heart, to even consider the possibility, but it could very well happen if you do not take action. For the dinosaurs, dreams may be all they have left.

– Tom "moof" Davies