ComfortClass No-Stand Guarantee

Fly in style and stay off your feet with this luxury upgrade custom-tailored with longer flights in mind. Why stand for a six-hour cross-country trip just because your airline oversold your flight by 35 tickets and ran out of their travel voucher budget in mid-February? While so many of the other passengers stand uncomfortably, in violation of their own comfort as well as several air safety codes, you can lounge in one of our seats engineered for both relaxing and allowing the maximum possible amount of people on board. Recline to upwards of an 87-degree angle and don't be surprised if your back pain is only extremely minor this time! Diamond Club Select passengers take an additional 8% off. $39.99 USD

SecureHold Luggage Containment System

Why pay exorbitant and ever-rising prices to check your luggage when you could instead carry it on the plane yourself? Instead of wondering just where your belongings will go after being taken away on a conveyor belt, you can now know that they're safely above you, held securely in molded plastic containment units built to contain mostly any rolling luggage bags manufactured before 1994. Now, you might be asking, "Wasn't carry-on luggage an expected free feature of air travel in the recent past?" To answer your question: yes. Emerald Premiere Choice passengers take an additional 6% off. $79.99

Waste Disposal Plus Club

Airport bathrooms: They're noisy, filthy, crowded with drunks, and with most occupants in there roughly an hour from leaving the state, full of people with absolutely no regard for human life. And most adult diaper wearers are typically given a hard time during air travel, either by TSA agents full of personal questions, or nearby passengers who don't appreciate you filling an absorbent polymer with solid or liquid waste in the middle of a three-hour flight. If you don't feel comfortable holding in your waste for the entirely of a flight, or keeping it outside of your body but still under your clothes, joining our Waste Disposal Plus Club will grant you access to one of two aerodynamic lavatories complete with often-working light, reflective mirror, and sparking, clean water (non-potable). Join the mile-high club with your urine and/or feces and get ready to brag to the boys back at home! Ruby Advance Boarding Fellowship members take an additional 7% off. $99.99 USD

Aqua Advantage Convenience System

With the vile airports forcing you to dump out all of your liquids before going through the security line, what options are you left with? Buying a lukewarm bottle of Aquafina for $6.00 from Hudson News? This would be caving in to airports, the sworn enemy of man and airline alike. Why be identified as a coward worthy of scorn and light physical abuse by your seatmates when you could instead set sail for water with our Aqua Advantage Convenience System? Recline up to 87 degrees in style (option sold separately) and let us bring the water to you! Every two hours on the two hours, get ready to refresh yourself with pure, unfiltered tap water, fresh from mother nature herself and the city we just took off from. And you can even keep the cup, which, according to BPA regulations, should not be reused under any circumstances! Platinum Diamond Military Service Members with 50 or more honorable kills take an additional 5% off if we don't clap for you before takeoff. $129.99 USD

– Awful Airlines