Ask the Centipedes That Infest My Apartment

Like a paintbrush tickling your cheeks!Centipede season is in full swing here in my apartment and with the hundred-legged bastards scurrying every which way but loose I am having trouble concentrating on anything other than their exploits. Every time I walk across the apartment, look up at the ceiling, or pick up a book I wonder where the centipede is lurking. Sometimes it will just be one of the adorable little baby centipedes that are only a quarter inch long. Sometimes it will be a loving and nurturing mama centipede who is a good three inches long and scurrying her egg-bloated fleshy body off to some dark hole. Since these sons of bitches are running my life right now I thought it would be only fair if they had to run my update as well. They call me Meat Monster, I call them my bane.

Ask them whatever you want. They have the answers.

Dearest mama centipede,

Do you lay your eggs in Zack's mouth when he is asleep? Some advice as to how I could do this would be greatly appreciated.

Babyburrito

Dear Babyburrito,

Wait for the Meat Monster to begin snoring loudly, then listen for a clicking sound in its esophagus. This means that it is suffering from sleep apnea and is less likely to suck you into the air chambers of its body. Hurry inside and find a warm and damp spot, preferably high on the gum line so that your clutch of brood are not accidentally chewed and swallowed while the Meat Monster is feasting. Most importantly, do not try to consume sweet meats from the Meat Monster while depositing eggs. The soft damp flesh inside the Meat Monster's mouth is quite succulent, but the Meat Monster has a massive muscle plug called a Herruk'sssaaa that will sweep around the inside of its mouth and pull you to your doom.

Good Luck!

Mama Centipede

Dear Mr. Centipede,

so i was at the mall rite and this chick was totally on me when I walked into Hot Topic and I was all like sweet so we started talkin and she was like you come here often and I was like yeah for the shirts she was all that is so funny and touched my arm so I said hey we should like go to a movie or something so she said yeah so we walked over to the theater and the "Incredibles" was on in a few minutes so i got tix and we went in to the show since it was early in the day it was empty so we sat in the back about the time where the mom finally puts on her costume she like starts rubbing my dick and i was like whoah this is awesome so i leaned over and kissed her and we kept kissing for a while and she like kept rubbing it and stuff so before the movie was done i totally think i ejaculated

Thanx,

JarJarSUX32

Dear JarJarSUX32,

Young love is a fleeting thing. Enjoy it as you would enjoy a summer's day and do not attempt to cling to it once it has passed. Also, totally make her put her mouth on your boner next time.

Sincerely,

Mr. Centipede

Here they come, climbin' up your thighs! Get the funniest looks from, everyone who dies! Hey, hey they're the centipedes! I'm embarrassed at myself for typing that out.Dear Centipedes,

My roommate is a total slut. She's had more sketchy guys on top of her then a Belgian youth hostel mattress, how can I get her to stop dragging these skeevy guys in to my apartment?

Please Help,

Slutless In Seattle

Dear Slutless,

When one of our number breeds out of class and station we form a council of judgment inside the walls of the Meat Monster's kingdom. Ten to fifteen of us surround the accused and begin a ritual drumming of our legs and the sacred chant of measures. If we find that the accused is guilty of lax judgment or an attempt at unlawful class mobility we will consume them in a frenzy of crunching mandibles and tearing claws. The same will happen if we determine that they are innocent, but in that case we will eat their head first to make it less painful. You should perhaps gather your brood mates and enact a council of judgment.

Hope this helps!

The Centipedes

Dear Centipede,

What would you recommend as a gift for a party or dinner host?

Yours,

Curious Symptoms

Dear Curious,

If they are a Meat Monster we find that they become agitated most amusingly when you scurry across their leg, face, or bed. If they are a centipede then we suggest pieces of Meat Monster children, paralyzed cats, or scraps of flesh torn screaming from the belly of the larger Meat Monsters.

With Love,

A Random Centipede

Spawn more Overlords!Mr. Centipede,

Why does Carol Channing freak me out so much?

Thanks,

Desperately Fearing Channing

Dear Desperately,

As a slow-witted Meat Monster you are not attuned to the soothing messages emitted from Mistress Channing's thorax. All you hear is "Helllllooooo Dolllllyyyy" while we experience a cornucopia of soothing sounds that calm and inform us. Mistress Channing is to us as a light house is to a ship lost at sea and we will follow her into the mouth of hell if she commands it.

Good Luck,

Mr. Centipede

Dear Centipedes,

Would it be wise to remove the speakers from the old, Jewish lady-who-looks-like-a-dragon's computer tomorrow? She plays stupid flash movies really loud since she can't hear. This latest one was the worst because almost all of the office could hear their "funny" translations of Yiddish words.

P.S. I hate her so much and she tells me stupid things like "I need my email. That is how we communicate with our clients." Also, will my boss support my descision?

Sincerely,

Jew Hater

Dear Jew,

If you really have a problem with your coworker we suggest that you swarm across her surface and rend open her flesh in many places so that you might wriggle inside and feast upon her hot innards. Or you could take her speakers.

Happy Chanukah!

The Centipedes

Dear Centipedes,

How many of you fit in a vagina?

Sincerely,

Pussy Questions

Dear Pussy,

There is a wide range of numbers depending on the size of our kin, the size of the vagina, and the willingness of the female Meat Monster to accept us into her humble home. A brood of centipedes in Denmark once achieved numbers approaching two thousand! The Meat Monster was apparently paralyzed from the waist down and some 400 adult and 1500+ juvenile centipedes managed to pack her cervix-deep. Some claim that the legendary Moses Centipede parted a red tide to cram almost 20,000 into the Promised Meat Monster. Of course, only spawnlings and the deranged believe the Centipede Bible speaks literally.

Hope that Helps!

The Centipedes

Dear centipedes,

Do you prefer beige or white walls in a home?

Gracias,

Stud Finder

Dear Stud,

A cream colored wall with small brown mottling would be preferable for our purposes of scampering up and down walls at all hours. Between beige and white we would prefer beige, but either way we would do our best to stick to the shadows during the times of the Meat Monster's agitation.

Love,

The Centipedes

That's all the advice the centipedes have available to dispense right now as I have just found a suitable magazine for chasing them off and/or smashing them with. As sure as a centipede will be on the wall next to me when I finish typing this sentence, they will be back.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)