Art Critiquing the Life Out of Your Kids II: The Revenge

As the ever-observant reader, you might have noticed the surprise guest appearance of the Roman numeral "II" in today's title. This is indeed a sequel, but to an article I wrote over a year ago slightly before I became funny and slightly before I stopped being funny. Although my child hating antics are probably old to some people, particularly child sympathizers and people with human decency, I simply can't help it, they're very easy targets. Normally I try not to tread old territory (and fail miserably), but there is simply so many terrible pictures drawn by stupid kids out there, I have no real choice but stop and take notice. It may not sound like that big a problem, but there are untold terabytes of precious Internet cargo space being used to house the crude crayon catastrophes of the ordinary kids that your tax dollars pay to educate poorly. This is prime space that could otherwise be dedicated to storing porn or scary Associated Press photos of Donald Rumsfield holding the world in the grip of his hands. Dare I even dream it, but this space could even be used to store a combination of both, which would likely stand as the zenith of the human race. Extra attentive readers will also notice this article features "The Revenge" as its excellent and mandatory subtitle. All good sequels should have this subtitle, but that's not entirely why I chose it. Like before, I'm also fighting back and taking these kids on in the most non-confrontational and therefore harmless way I can muster: unsolicited art critiquing.

In the last go, I bullied around a bunch of kids who were using their "artistic ability" to confront the topic of divorce. This time the themes aren't anywhere near as focused, mostly due to the fact that a lot of the children's art galleries on the Internet deal with the haunting specter of death. Yes, as strange as it sounds, there is a disturbing amount of galleries featuring the archaic scribbles of dying children. Even I draw the line at making fun of dying kids. Well, at least in public anyway. I've become increasingly aware in my old age that death isn't as racist, ageist, and sexist as I had always hoped and dreamed, so I'm not doing anything to risk damaging my karma in a lethal manner. These are just normal everyday and hopefully healthy children's drawings unrelated to any worthwhile physical or psychological trauma. To be honest, this makes the artwork all the more worse and my job all the more easy. Sunshine, smiling faces, and roses might spread the butter of some, but not everyone. Not to say that these are all fun happy pictures, as some of them do have a very dark subtext to them. Most kids are so caught up in their own unwarranted joy that they fail to realize that there is a whole gritty world of pain and suffering out there ready to bite their goddamn asses off, and that's a fact verified on every gripping episode of "Murder, She Wrote" ever put on TV. While not to sound overly gothic – which is ironic since I'm known for my ribbed vaults, pointed arches, and flying buttresses – exploring these dark frontiers of the human condition is of vital importance. Happy pictures tend to lack immediacy. Simply put, you view them and you move on. Like the horrid image of a nude and wanton Don Knotts, art of a darker nature lingers in your mind. It makes an impression, evokes a response, and in some cases, scares the pantswater out of you.

I suppose I should give a shout out, as the kids call it, to my homies at the Global Children's Art Gallery, host to some of the finest pieces of crap ever rendered. Don't be fooled by the ominous, conglomerate sounding name. It's a nice little site and not some sweathouse oligarchy dedicated to mass-producing the inescapable cuteness of the child's imagination, even if that's what it sounds like. I do give these kids some credit, as their artwork soars high above the shitty subhuman animal porn produced by this world's unnecessary population of furries. Then again, there isn't much that doesn't look truly inspiring when compared to furry art. Enough talk about furries, though, as I'm sure they need to get back to their busy schedule of being colossal failures. One of the things that took me off guard while looking through all these terrible children's drawings was the fact that so many of them were done using no more than computers. The same technology that allows people like our beloved forum goons to insert creative swear words into random pictures apparently also allows children to draw pictures! I am desperately frightened by the notion that it's only a matter of time before toddlers start upstaging me with Photoshop, so my time is short. I better get busy and start insulting these children while I still have some semblance of respectability left!

"A Rainbow" by Zack P, Age 4

Zack P (possibly our own Zack Parsons) delivers one hell of a disappointment here. I can't even imagine his grandma being kind enough to stick this atrocity on the fridge. The kid is trying to draw a rainbow, but fails so miserably you'd think that he was actually stillborn. Rainbows are usually beautiful colorful arches, not violent Crayola spasms. If I looked at the sky and saw this horrible monstrosity, I would immediately believe the apocalypse to be on hand and murder my neighbor's cattle and stone his wife to death. There may be some truth to my apocalyptic interpretation, as you will note the second sun in the top right corner! I think having two suns dawn on the earth is probably a good sign that it's time to panic like hell! So much for this being an innocent picture, Zack P is the Nostradamus of bedwetting brats.

Additional Comments: this kid is clearly some kind of necromancer or soothsayer. Definitely a danger to good-natured folk of all kinds.
Final Grade: F

"Dog Carrying Box" by Phalgun N, Age 4

Phalgun, if that is indeed his or her real name, is quite possibly one of the worst artists in the known universe. This type of artistic incompetence is just terrifying. How is this a dog? How is this a dog carrying a box even? No offense, Phalgun, but this picture suggests you're a blind quadriplegic, because nobody, nobody is naturally this untalented. Maybe the poor kid has ADD and simply lacked the necessary focus to bring this picture to any sort of closure. I'm seriously at a loss for words here, because the primitive nature of this picture is so far below the scope of written word no statement can accurately and justly portray it, with the possible exception of obscenities. This fucking sucks ass. Yeah, that seemed to get the job done.

Additional Comments: not only did you get the dog's color wrong but you also got its form wrong. Way to go, Phalgun!
Final Grade: F-

"The Scene from Ice Planet Hoth" by Andrew D, Age 10

I really am in shock after seeing this picture. It's got tons of action, explosions, lasers, and plenty of neatness. Sure it's rather crude, but Andrew clearly has the same emotional maturity as George Lucas. If that bearded bastard can make hundreds of millions of dollars adding laser effects and crappy CG characters to ever inch of film space he can get his inept hands on, then this picture qualifies as good art. I never thought I'd be this generous, especially since my aim is to be mean and hateful, but I suppose I have to be objective from time to time.

Additional Comments: Good job, your special effects really are a step above Industrial Light and Magic.
Final Grade: A+

"An Elf in the Rain" by Simone D, Age 5

A more fitting title to this picture would be "Kool-Aid Man With Leprosy." I don't see an elf, and I certainly don't see rain, but I do see the melting, sore, and diseased smile of the Kool-Aid Man. I think Simone stands on the threshold between good and bad, because if this really was a picture of Kool-Aid Man, it could easily pass as a piece of genius pop art. Instead, because of poor naming, it falls into the category of bland and crappy fantasy art. If you do look at this picture and pretend that it is of the Kool-Aid Man stricken with leprosy, it places an incredible weight on your soul. The smile sustains even under the avalanche of scabs and deformities, echoing chills through each vertebrae of your spine. Imagine watching your hero smile even as he rots before you, unable to stop the onslaught of sickness and consumed with inner turmoil, yet still somehow strong enough to smile. I'm going to cry. With a different name, this would be one of the greatest and most haunting pieces of art ever created.

Additional Comments: you're a sick, sick kid.
Final Grade: D

"Galah!" by Robert R, Age 6

Robert seems to be on the verge of becoming a furry. If you notice, he portrays this duck-like creature in an anthropomorphic fashion, a staple of furry art. That's depressing enough, but it looks as though Robert tried to take on a little bit of Picasso's awful cubist style. That duck's freaking beak is hanging on the side of his face. Talk about awkward; I can't imagine a duck with a beak on the side of its face getting very far. For one thing, it's going to have a hell of a time acquiring bread scraps and whatever the hell else ducks eat, because it can't really see where its mouth is. The coloring, while somewhat decent in some regards, is far too flamboyant and unrealistic. I wonder if Robert has actually even seen what a real duck looks like, because this genetic mishap is going to be quaking its deformed lungs out for the sweet embrace of death. Another thing that bothers me here is Robert's composition skills. Isn't it kind of cliché and unimaginative to place your character in the center of the picture? Hey Robert, maybe you can take some time away from the playground to learn about the rule of thirds. You know, so your work isn't so dreadful.

Additional Comments: words cannot truly describe a duck that has a sideways beak.
Final Grade: F

"Batman" by Bradley M, Age 4

Bradley is clearly going for the overly confrontational "shock art" genre. Everything about this picture is disrespectful and ill mannered. Bradley brutally deconstructs the concept of the superhero, chiseling away the hardened exterior to expose something obscene and ridiculous. Batman is traditionally regarded, at least according to me, as the coolest hero ever. In this picture he's shown as a hideous mutant. His face seems to have numerous tumors, and bizarre makeup. Gone is the handsome face of Bruce Wayne, all that remains now is the mangled remains of a dead drag queen's face. The yellow lines coming from Batman's bloated torso could either be hair, or needles, suggesting he has taken on the habit of self-mutilation. To further insult our collective decency, Bradley's Batman wears his testicles on the outside. What's more, he has three testicles, all dangling out in the open. I suspect Bradley was attempting to make a statement about Bruce Wayne's violent, testosterone-fueled nature by adding an additional symbol of manhood and exposing it in such a brazen way. He fails to realize, however, that Batman is first and foremost a detective, and therefore someone familiar with patience, caution, and sound judgment. If I was grading this on shock value it would get an A, but I'm not. Foul Bradley shouldn't despair, though. With crap like this he can expect a gratuitous donation from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Additional Comments: I hate you Bradley M.
Final Grade: F-

Well that certainly was a lot of fun, for me at least. I hope you enjoyed this exciting look into art's future. I think its safe to say that by looking at the artwork of children, I have a deeper appreciation for the blind and catatonic. I was very pleasantly surprised to learn that even the happy pictures these kids make have monstrous undertones. And here I thought this was going to be all sunshine and puppies.

Sweet Balls of Meat! A New Cartoon!

Bad news everybody! We're "proud" to present a brand new K-Dog motion picture masterpiece, this time dealing with the intensely complicated subject of love.

You is in love! This is very romantic, so don't watch this if there are any females present or you may end up with a present in the form of a bundle of a not-much-joy! That means a baby. An unwanted baby. So in other words, only watch this movie if you're having trouble knocking up your wife. Otherwise, don't bother. (1.08MB)

This has some seriously fine writing and voice acting, not to mention top-notch animation. If I were to encourage you to visit one Flash movie featured on our site today, this would probably be my second choice.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)