Anarchy Rides Again

This article is part of the Online Anarchy series.

So much knowledge is at your disposal right this very second. You could be reading about the operation of nuclear subs or city subway systems or even sub sandwiches, but no, you're right here about to find out how to become an anarchist in your very own home-- mid 90's style!

You may already know that lots of guys tried to spread their anarchistic values on the early Internet, but none could quite hold a candle to XOZero. For years he wrote text files and spread them around hoping to bring down the establishment and set in motion a new world order in which he would be free to commit crimes, buy and sell what he wants, and watch TV all day without having to go to gym class.

In his April 1995 installment, our hero tries to accomplish what he couldn't the other three times: total worldwide anarchy and chaos.

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                 ------ G U I D E B O O K ------
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                  W E L C O M E   T O   H E L L
                   A P R I L   1 0 ,   1 9 9 5
   
 Hello welcome to my 17th text file. This is XOZero I am a
 professional anarchist here to serve you and bring you the
 ideas that breed a winner. Sorry about the delay in getting
 this one out. My mom got me a job working part time at CVS.
 Yes of course by now you should know that Im not like serious
 about this job or anything. Im only doing it so I can buy some
 supplies such as stink bombs and black clothes and a necklace
 for Beth. So Dont Complain That Im A Working Man!!!
  
 Hmmm... Lets see what is in my E-Mail since last time . . .
  
                      ---- TESTEMONIALS ----
  
      "Hi I'm a dad and I think your a bad influence. You
    prey on my children's minds and make them into bad kids.
             F***** YOU FOREVER!! Sincerely, a dad"
  
      "i tryed your suggestion about calling pepto bismol
   'poops abysmal' and it worked and now everyone at school
    is calling it that. we dont really talk about medicine
  much but when we do its always about 'poops abysmal' so thanks"
                                            -- FROM ANONYMOUS
    
                    But enough bragging .......
  
                     On with the chaos!!!!!!!
  
                                |
                    __________//|__________
              ---=={     LIFE AS A TREE      }==---
                    _______________________/
 Find a tree with a big ol hole in it and get inside. When some
 couple comes over to sit under the tree and be romantic you can go
 "Im A Tree I Know All About Nature And All Of Her Creatures. You
 Two Should Not Get Married Because It Will Make Nature Mad." Then
 the boyfriend will go crazy and start busting up the tree and thats
 when you should get the heck out of there.
  
                                |
                    __________//|__________
              ---=={     DETECT THIS!!!      }==---
                    _______________________/
 Call up the detective of the police department in your town and say
 "I've Got A Lead On Your Biggest Case!!!" and then he will say "OK
 IM COMING RIGHT OVER!" but here's the trick... you never told him
 where you are so he will just drive around the town all night
 wondering what it was that was so important and he will probably
 start to cry.
  
                                |
                    __________//|__________
              ---=={     MARRIAGE MAYHEM     }==---
                    _______________________/
 Go up to a married couple at the store (wal-mart, kmart, ect.) and
 get them apart from each other and say to the husband "Hello Sir
 Did You Know Your Wife Is Talking Trash About You At The Other End
 Of The Store??"and then go to the wife and say "Hello Madam Your
 Husband Thinks You Are A Crazy Coot And You Kiss Like A Wet Skunk.
 He Told Me All This. Im His Friend" then basically that marriage
 is over..
  
                                |
                    __________//|__________
              ---=={     GOLF CART CHAOS     }==---
                    _______________________/
 For this you need a friend to help. Go up to the school security
 guard in the golf cart and start making small talk with him. Then
 start examining his ride and ask him what kind of mileage he gets
 on this baby and while you have his attention your friend can
 sneak around to the other and flick him off multiple times.
  
                                |
                    __________//|__________
              ---=={       PUTRID PARTY      }==---
                    _______________________/
 When a jock is having a party with friends one thing you can do is
 get a really small dog and hollow out a rotten watermelon. Then
 put the dog in the watermelon and stand on the sidewalk outside
 the party and roll the dogmelon up the walkway and into the front
 door. Then the dog will eat its way out and do its business on the
 carpet. I dont know how to train a dog to do this yet.
  
                                |
                    __________//|__________
              ---=={      LIVELY LIBARY      }==---
                    _______________________/
 Dress up like Theordore Roosevelt the best you can and get a big
 pillow to go under your shirt so you look real fat. Then go to a
 libary and walk around bumping books off the shelves with your
 belly. When a libarian comes over to help pick up the books just
 adjust your glasses (on the little chain) and go "Oh Im Sorry My
 Lady I Am Just So Portly And It Cant Be Helped!" and while this
 is happening your friend can sneak in and steal some of the days
 newspapers. Then use the stolen papers to learn about local and
 national politics because knowledge is power.
  
                                |
                    __________//|__________
              ---=={        SLIME TIME       }==---
                    _______________________/
 Make a nasty concoction of all your things in the refrigerator
 in a blender and hide it in a plastic bag under your shirt then
 go to a barber shop. Right when the barber is almost done with
 your haircut open the bag and start spilling it out on your lap
 and start making groan noises. Then the barber will be like "Hey"
 and you can just run out the door and finish the haircut at home
 for free. Congrats you now know the secret to free haircuts.
  
                                |
                    __________//|__________
              ---=={    MOUNTAIN MADNESS     }==---
                    _______________________/
 If your stepdad makes you go climbing with strangers you should
 make them think you have a bad case of mountain madness. Start
 talking about mountains and how much you love them and you want
 to live on one someday and climb a mountain every day forever.
 Then kiss the mountain very passionately and say "I! LOVE! THIS!!
 MOUNTAIN!!!!" and slip a hula hoop (engangment ring) around a big
 rock. Then pick a climber to be the best man and a brides maid or
 two and a priest and start the wedding. Write your own vows for 
 the mountain and begin calling her by her mountain name like a
 first name and ask her what she wants to do this weekend. Then
 when they start to say you aren't faking it anymore and that you
 actually have mountain madness thats when you can play it off
 like it was a joke, because it was a joke the entire time. It was
 always a joke. You were never actually in love with a mountain.
  
  
 Well thats the end of this edition. I hope you will survive
 in an ever corporate world until next session when I bust out
 the big guns and show you how to make a pumpkin into a burning
 bowling ball of stinky crud. So long . . .
  
  XOZero
  
            "HEY NEIGHBOR WHERE DID YOU
               GET THAT HOT NEW TEXT FILE??"
                      /
               _____
              /_____
 _____ooOOo___(_O_O_)___oOOoo___________________________
 |                                                     |
 | DARN RIGHT!! YOU GOT IT AT RANDY'S RESURRECTION!!!  |
 |                                                     |
 |                      SYSOPS                         |
 |         RANDY II               Ouuughhhhh??         |
 |        MorePOWER                Aruuuugh            |
 |      I_Think_So_Tim          Augh Augh Augh         |
 |       WilsonsWisdom              Stephen            |
 |_____________________________________________________|
 

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)