American Legends: Private Jessica Lynch

At long last, the story can be told!Less than 24 hours ago every American worth mentioning came together in front of their TV sets to watch the epic saga of America's cutest hero since that fireman puppy died at the World Trade Center. I'm not talking about Elizabeth Smart, no one cares about her outside the guy who kidnapped her and tried to turn her into some sort of crazy evangelical underage Stepford wife. I'm referring to Jessica Lynch, an American hero as surely as Thomas Jefferson shot the King of England with a dueling pistol. NBC has produced a documentary detailing her trials and tribulations in Iraq entitled "Saving Jessica Lynch". Due to time constraints and the mercurial nature of moving pictures, NBC was unable to cram 100% of the truth into the docudrama. For many 75% of the truth would suffice, but not for me! That is why I have made Private Jessica Lynch this week's American Legend.

Born in a Small Town

Jessica Lynch was born in Palestine, West Virginia in 1984 to Michael and Penelope Lynch. Her father worked in a Franklin Mint factory and earned barely more than minimum wage producing commemorative plates virtually guaranteed to go up in value. He was a doting father to young Jessica, but financial problems following a mysterious septic tank fire forced Michael Lynch to take on a second job as a senior Dilly Bar technician at the local Dairy Queen. Jessica's mother Penelope was similarly preoccupied with a full time career sewing yellow ribbons to place around trees in the event of war. Such sweet, sweet, delicious irony - nearly as delicious as a Dilly Bar - that Penelope would one day be tying her own hand-made yellow ribbons around a tree to support her very own daughter!

Jessica also had an older brother named Michelob who cared for his younger sibling when both parents were away at work. Michelob was a borderline abusive brother to the young girl, frequently forcing her to play soldier with him and then stabbing her in the torso with a "bayonet" that consisted of a corncob tied to a toy gun.

In school Jessica exhibited a talent for signing that garnered her lead role in the schools chorus. Academically she did not excel, but her hard work ensured she maintained a C+ average in almost a third of her classes. She was particularly fond of her home economics class and frequently voiced a desire to get a job a professional cookie maker after graduation. In high school Lynch began dating a football player named Keith Wjorski and according to many reports the square-chinned full back introduced her to the vices of sex and alcohol. Her frequent late nights of drinking, dancing, and listening to loud music while hopped up on goofballs forced Jessica to abandon her dreams of attending a prestigious community college for her associate's degree in cookie making.

Despite letting her education fall by the wayside, Jessica tested exceedingly well, scoring almost 800 on the SATs and proving so adept at the ASVAB test that she immediately garnered the attention of her local Army recruiter. Staff Sergeant Harold "Hap" Jennings repeatedly called Jessica, visited her at school and at home, and would even stand outside her window late at night holding a tape deck above his head playing "Taps". Realizing her options were limited by her poor grade point average, Lynch at last succumbed to Hap's persistence and agreed to join the US Army under one condition. She insisted that she receive training for, and an assignment to, an elite cookie baking unit. Jennings immediately agreed and then shipped her off to US army support training where she would learn to drive trucks.

Operation: Iraqi Freedom

Lynch takes a moment from heavy fighting to pose in the US Army photo tent.After completing basic training and achieving the rank of Private First Class, Jessica Lynch found herself in the armed forces of a nation on the brink of war with Iraq. Her mother reassured Jessica that if war broke out she would have all of the yellow ribbons she would ever need to ensure that her daughter made it home safe, as well as a sweatshirt she bought with Dale Earnhardt's face superimposed over a waving American flag just to give her that little push across the finish line. Despite these comforting thoughts, Jessica remained concerned and repeatedly had premonitions that she faced great danger in Iraq.

Much of the recent concentration on Miss Lynch's biography has centered around the incident that lead to her capture by Iraqi forces. However, prior to this incident, Jessica Lynch performed many heroic deeds.

Killed 700+ armed terrorists using only her bare hands and wits, then scaled the mountain of their corpses and planted an American flag. This rotting pile is still outside of Tikrit and has been officially identified on military maps as Mount Jessica Lynch.

Correctly backed a heavy cargo transport vehicle into a loading dock.

Completed the "Cave of Time" Choose Your Own Adventure novel in less than five attempts.

When delivering medical supplies to a MASH unit, Jessica Lynch was accosted by a dying US Marine who said she "looked like an angel from the heavens" and then expired. Jessica Lynch began to cry and one of her tears rolled down her cheek and landed on the man's face and brought him back from the dead!

When Jessica Lynch was going to be late delivering supplies to a front line unit she chewed some tobacco and then folded space to arrive on time.

Sat through the entirety of a burned video disc of a theatrical screener of "Tomb Raider 2: The Cradle of Life" that was playing on a 2nd Lieutenant's laptop.

Saw two helicopters shooting at a town.

Managed to find a gray market supply of Jordanian knockoff Lee Press-On Nails for herself and Shoshoshoshanana Johnson.

These achievements are often forgotten amidst the exploding cars and blowing sands of her capture and rescue story. On some day in June or May or something Jessica Lynch, along with like twenty other people, were driving trucks full of some crap the Army likes to some place where they wanted that crap. At some time between 5:00 AM and 9:00 PM, Jessica Lynch's convoy came under fire from an Iraqi ambush. Immediately the lead vehicle ground to a halt and the people inside were shot to death. No one in the convoy knew what to do. Some of them just jumped out of the trucks and started running around screaming, others fired their guns wildly up into the air, and a few just started sobbing. Jessica Lynch was calm and controlled. She shouldered her M-16 rifle and returned fire on the Iraqi ambushers.

In the span of ten minutes she killed or wounded an Iraqi soldier for every single bullet in the three magazines of ammunition she had brought with her. When she had exhausted this ammo she began firing with her sidearm, but by this time the Iraqis had moved so close that she was in serious danger of being overrun. When she attempted to withdraw from her truck, dragging three wounded comrades, she was gunned down by an Iraqi tank that had moved up to assist the ambush. Just as the tank turned its main gun on her, Lynch summoned the strength from her bullet-riddled body and fired a single shell directly down the barrel of the Iraqi tank. The T-80's turret lifted from the chassis, carried high into the air by a huge fireball.

Shortly after that, Lynch lost consciousness and was taken prisoner along with the survivors of her unit.

Captivity and Salvation

You got the make up on her corporal? Okay, roll camera! The brass'll add the spinning stars in the Avid room. Morrow, shoot randomly in the background while we're talking. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand ACTION!Immediately after being captured by the terrorists, Jessica Lynch was transported to an Iraqi rape room, where she spent several days in a drug induced haze being violated in unspeakable manners by the brutish sub-human trolls of the Iraqi military. Throughout the entire ordeal Lynch sang the Star Spangled Banner and refused to give any information to the officers who interrogated her in between rapes. None of the other members of her unit were raped, they were determined to break Lynch and she - upon realizing that her companions would be next if she failed - steeled herself almost beyond human comprehension. Eventually some of the soldiers raping her began to die from being exposed to so much concentrated patriotism. After the war one interrogator who raped Lynch confessed that the brutal assaults were "like repeatedly journeying into a cave full of kryptonite".

After a solid weak of this Lynch was taken to a military hospital where she could recover in preparation for another round of Iraqi style interrogation. While in the hospital Lynch proved as charismatic as ever. She described America to the doctors and nurses who treated her. Her tales of what it felt like to inhale the free air of the United States, or climb any mountain whenever you felt like it, won over everyone at the hospital. One doctor whose name is unimportant decided to help Lynch escape. Lynch asked for a combat knife and a wheelchair so that she could kill the guards and then escape to American lines. The doctor mistakenly believed that Lynch was not fit to attempt such an escape, but he agreed to contact the Americans and let them know she was in the hospital.

That night when the doctor got home he took his secret telephone out of the closet. In Iraq that had to have two telephones because of the secret police. One telephone was the one they normally used and it could only call certain numbers and there were always secret police listening. The other telephone was kept hidden and it could dial any number and the secret police would just hear a conversation about women's hats if they listened in. The doctor used his secret phone to call President George W. Bush in the White House and the doctor told him about Jessica Lynch. The President immediately rushed to Air Force Eight - the presidential attack helicopter - but was dissuaded from attempting to rescue Lynch by Robert Rumsfeld (Donald Rumsfeld's identical twin brother who is a commando). Robert Rumsfeld agreed to lead his ultra elite commando team "Special Ops Omega" into Iraq to rescue Private Lynch.

Robert Rumsfeld and his team of eight other commandos landed near the hospital and immediately came under fire from the heavy defense turrets protecting the perimeter. After using grenades and flamethrowers they breeched the outer defenses and then picked their way carefully through a minefield. Hundreds of Iraqi Republican Guard soldiers rushed out from bunkers and attacked them and Pat O'Mally (the heavy weapon's trooper) was shot through the heart but kept fighting. Special Ops Omega cut a swath of destruction through the Republican Guard defenders and made it to Lynch's hospital room. Just as they were about to make their escape Saddam's sons Uday and Hector attacked in their armored walkers. The fight was a close call, but Lynch used a grappling hook to entangle Uday's walker and topple it and then with his dying breath Pat O'Mally fired his rail gun and shot Hector in the head through the view port.

Rumsfeld, Lynch, and the survivors of Special Ops Omega team escaped in a stealth helicopter and then called in an artillery strike to level the hospital.

Homecoming and Beyond

God bless this mess.After recovering with the band Rammstein in Berlin, Jessica Lynch returned home to Palestine and rejoined her family. She was greeted as a conquering hero by the townsfolk in Palestine and even though she couldn't control her bowels, couldn't walk, and couldn't even stand up, the people didn't mind if she was a terrible burden because she was also a hero. No one even considered suggesting euthanasia and even the most liberal hippy (Old Hippy Joe) in all of Corn Wall County wanted to hug Jessica Lynch, not spit on her.

After the fanfare died down a little Lynch resumed her normal everyday life of being repeatedly interviewed by the media, attending physical therapy sessions, and then posing for a photo op with the latest general in need of a Christmas card that proves just how awesome he is. One general even got Lynch to sign a basketball. But the road to recovery for Lynch is still stretching far into the distance and it won't all be sphincter exercises and Oprah live via satellite. God Bless America and God Bless Private Jessica Lynch.

There's more to the story than just that. The Congressional Medal of Honor, the TV movie, the line of hot pants, and the endorsement deal with the trucking company are all part of the Jessica Lynch saga. However, they're not part of the American Legend of Jessica Lynch. The story can be made by the politicians and the media, but only Jessica Lynch can create her own true legend.

Power Up!

Jed here, inviting you to join intrepid reviewer, me, for another bootylicious Rom review. Prepare to be transported via your Nintendo emulator to the incredible world of Dragonball Z in this week's review of Bandai's "Dragon Power".

Dragon Power is based on Dragonball Z, a show where people talk about how they're going to kick each other's asses until the episode uses up its 20 frame animation quota and ends with "To Be Continued". That isn't important right now, though. In fact, throw away everything you know about Dragonball Z, because this is a whole new fucking ball game. I hope you like punching lots of repetitive palette-swapped enemies, because guess what you'll be doing for most of this game!

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– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)