American Legends: George Washington

A more youthful Washington from before his presidency.The history of the United States is one of those rare instances where a violent revolution did not immediately see the creation of an oppressive dictatorial regime or a pathetic government that collapsed minutes after it was formed and plunged the nation into decades of civil strife. There's no denying that many great minds of the times contributed to this. People like Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and George Washington helped shape our nation into something that would be great until at least the 1940's. These founding fathers, first heroes of America, are just some of the legends that have made this nation what it is today. Okay, maybe not what it is today, but what it was a few decades ago. Just pretend we're still the good guys for a little while.

Something Awful takes great pride in being an American website and to celebrate our nation's great heritage this week I will be offering interesting and fact filled biographies on some of the greatest legends of these United States. Among all of the founding fathers one stands out as being somewhat removed from the process, but also as being one of the greatest heroes America has ever produced. This legend of American history went on to become the first president of the United States. His name was George Washington.

Much is written about this great patriot and much has been lost to the harsh passage of time…until now! Using a patented technique I like to call "historonomy" and the US Patent Office likes to call "Rejected Patent Submission 250043024-03" I have delved into the great saga of our nation's birth. From this delving I have retrieved previously unknown factoids about George Washington and have interspersed them throughout this biography. Even for those of you who think you know everything about George Washington your world is about to be rocked by a fact-quake weighing in at nine point fun on the Richter scale.

Holy shit I can't believe I just said that.

The Early Years

Don't worry if you can't read this, I couldn't read it when the image was three times as big. Just a whole bunch of crazy colonial "English" about shillings and lorries and flats.Born in Westmoreland County, Va., on Feb. 22, 1732, George Washington was the eldest son of Augustine Washington and his second wife, Mary Ball Washington, who were prosperous Virginia gentry of English descent. George spent his early years at the family's estate on the Potomac River, but his father was tragically killed while attempting to breed a horse with a negro to create a race of centaur slaves when George was only 11. He left the estate to live with his elder brother Lawrence who had used powers of hypnotism learned in the Far East to marry into a wealthy Virginia family. To further himself in the upper echelons of society the young Washington trained as a surveyor and gained employment with wealthy British lords in the area. Washington accompanied his brother to Barbados in an effort to cure him of tuberculosis but found he was unable to stop the disease despite a number of ribald shouts at the demons infesting his brother's body. Lawrence died in 1752 and Washington returned to Virginia where he inherited his Mount Vernon estate. In 1753, with a war brewing between the British and the French, Washington cast his lot with the British and became the adjutant of one of Virginia's four military districts.

Many followed a similar career path to Washington's at this time in history, but certain events distinguish his youth prior to the French and Indian War. Some of the best known of these include the time he chopped down a cherry tree and the time he felled a bear using only a buck knife.

By the age of 19 George Washington had grown to a height of nearly eight feet. He would eventually grow to be over 30 feet tall on a diet of stones, courage, and tree bark.

Despite some accounts George Washington could not breathe fire. He did on one occasion but this was actually the product of sorcery and not some innate ability.

A map showing the way to the Ark of the Covenant was burned into the palm of his hand when Washington grasped a medallion from the counter of a burning barroom.

George Washington could communicate with, but not necessarily command, all of the creatures of the sea. Often he was heard cajoling river carp to fellate him only to be rebuffed as "too femme".

George Washington did not wear his famed powdered wig during his early years, favoring instead a fade with a dollar sign shaved into the back and a rakishly worn white beret.

In his youth Washington's false teeth were actually made out of basalt and carved with dread symbols of the dead gods until he was ordered to remove them by the constabulary for frightening children.

Washington's body was full of a grayish paste-like ichor that would close wounds quickly. So amazing were his regenerative abilities that following a water skiing accident he managed to grow an entire new arm in a matter of minutes. It is rumored that this arm in turn grew a second George Washington that was bearded and had red eyes, although only a few fleeting reports remain of this monstrosity being spotted in the woods of Virginia.

Washington's youth was fairly unremarkable, even considering these recent revelations, but his young-adulthood as an officer in the British colonial was anything but ordinary.

The French and Indian War

Every source I researched said Martha was "attractive", apparently proving that what constituted attractive during colonial times was pretty fucking broad.When war broke out in the Ohio Valley between the French and the British Washington found himself in the thick of the action. After achieving a stunning success followed by a narrow yet honorable defeat at Fort Necessity, Washington fought with his bare hands to defeat the French and Indians. Despite his valiant efforts his unit commander was killed, but his bravery did not go unnoted and Washington was promoted to colonel. Many believe that Washington grew as a leader through experience during this difficult time with the colonial British forces. Others attribute his rise to glory to his practice of consuming the brains of fallen French and Indian warriors.

Assured that the Virginia frontier was safe from French attack, Washington left the army in 1758 and returned to Mount Vernon, directing his attention toward restoring his neglected estate. He erected new buildings including a room in which he could scream at paintings of children and a walled amphitheatre for witnessing the hangings of incompetent or annoying farm animals. During this time Washington also experimented with a number of crops like his corn and potato hybrid that was noted in his journal as "grotesquely self aware" and a particular breed of navy bean that shrieked when cooked in soup. In 1759 Washington entered the regional political scene and married a wealthy young widow with two children named Martha Dandridge Custis. By 1769 Washington had become a great leader in Virginia's opposition to British rule and his appointment to the first and second continental congress contributed greatly to his unanimous selection as the leader of the revolutionary forces in 1775.

The Revolutionary War

Washington's first task as supreme commander was to turn a rag tag group of some 14,000 militiamen into an effective fighting force. He achieved much of this by using a book of difficult riddles he kept by his bed. Each morning he would bring a series of soldiers into his tent and would offer them the chance for release from service if they could answer his riddle. If they failed they had to swear an oath to give 110% lest their tongues fall from their head, their brains fly into the sky, and magical scorpions sneak into their boots at night to sting them and infect them with their flesh eating brood. Invariably the soldiers failed to answer Washington's riddles correctly and ended up giving 110%. Only a single man was executed by magical scorpion.

Washington led this fighting force to victory at Ticonderoga but a bitter retreat from New York City. On Christmas Night in 1776 morale received a boost from a daring midnight raid across the Delaware into Trenton, NJ and ultimately routed the British in New Jersey in early January. Late 1777 brought a series of defeats for Washington and he was forced to retire to Valley Forge with his troops for the long and hard winter with morale at an all time low and supplies nearly exhausted. I have discovered a revealing correspondence from Washington to his beloved wife Martha, and I reproduce this here as a testament to the trying winter at Valley Forge.

A more wizened look at this great American Legend. If you need a third picture of him look at money LOLOLOLOLkillme. Dearest Martha,

The war wages on and the winter is hard, but in these most direful moments I draw warmth from the fond memories I hold of you. It is as if the setting sun caresses my breast when I do remember those warm summer nights at Mount Vernon. Your small hand held in mine, your lips so like the petals of a flower. My cheeks light as if made from kindling and the memory is a punk set to their dry heap. Oh, sweet Martha, the hardships of battle pale in comparison to the lash of your whip while I was suspended from the love pulleys by a pair of oiled negroes. Would the bite of musket ball wound more than the depravations of my innocence at the hands of your wooden "strapped on" phallus? I should say so, as that burnished length of timber caressed my prostate so lovingly I knew what it was to fight for freedom!

Yesterday I lost a soldier in the 2nd Platoon. Losing a man on the field of battle is a terrible thing, but losing a man when the army is bedded down for the winter is truly a tragedy. He contracted Mummy Feveritis from being excessively lazy on guard duty. The physician prescribed daily applications of fresh horse urine to his eyes, but with these his condition only worsened. I ordered him to be beaten with chairs until the demons of sickness were driven out of him, but their foul hold was iron. First Sergeant Hawk attempted to choke him until the demons were exorcised, but this only rendered the poor man unconscious and with a thrice bitten tongue. Fearing that the unnatural pox might spread to the other billeted men I did the only thing I could and had him hanged on a count of deviltry.

While morale creeps ever lower a new friend has been made and he may at last help me prepare for the battles that spring will carry with it. Baron von Steuben is a Prussian, and though you know my feelings about Prussians quite well I have managed to overlook his race's tendency to eat white babies and we have become fast friends. In addition to experience and a small quantity of supplies he has brought with him some of the most amazing codpieces of the orient I have ever set my eyes upon. One he has gifted me with bears the roaring countenance of a lion in polished bronze, so lifelike that when I wear it you would swear a great predator of Africa were about to leap forth from my groin. Many times the Baron and I have shared gales of laughter when I prance about the washing chamber clad only in this codpiece, snarling like a beast. With the troop's spirits so low such foppery brings with it guilt and I have desisted from such behavior despite the urgings of the Baron to do otherwise.

Indeed it is a harsh winter here in Valley Forge, but I shall persevere for freedom and for you my dearest Martha.

With greatest love,

George Washington

With the help of Baron von Steuben and eventually the French, Washington managed to defeat the British forces in the North and directed the war in the South against them with intelligence. In 1781 Washington accepted the surrender of British commander Charles Cornwallis, who described Washington in his diary as "A beast of a man capable of tearing the head from a draft horse and commanding troops as would a titan of legend command the waves of the seven seas."

America's First President

Washington never recovered from the attack by the Satanists and Free Masons.After retiring his commission Washington remained out of politics, preferring to tend to a recent epidemic of predatory carrots at Mount Vernon that had slain at least three of his negro slaves. However, 1787 found him once again at the center of politics in America when Washington headed the Virginia delegation to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia and was unanimously elected presiding officer. Once all that boring Constitution crap was out of the way, Washington was unanimously elected to be the first president of the United States. As the first president, Washington would be the model for all future presidents, and while he didn't have an actual White House to rule from he set many important precedents.

All visiting dignitaries were required to negotiate an obstacle course. This tradition is maintained to this day, although the obstacle course consists of a slightly raised beam over which diplomats must step, a mere formality compared to the cannons and alligator filled trenches employed by Washington.

When dining with the president all guests were expected to wear stain-resistant garments as Washington was known to spring unpredictably from his seat and pull a lever that sprayed rancid custard from the candelabras.

Once per week the president was able to declare a single article of clothing as "treasonous" and those caught wearing this article of clothing were sentenced to flogging.

At any time during a political debate Washington was permitted to remove a flintlock pistol from his trousers and shoot off a finger of his rival. At days when his pistol was forgotten he was permitted to punch them in the mouth without fear of reprisal.

Washington instituted the first national holiday known as "Nap Day", when people across the country were required to take a nap while Washington strode as tall as a church steeple through the towns and villages. This was replaced in the 20th century with Arbor Day.

If the Navy called upon the president while he was asleep they were constitutionally obliged to scuttle either a heavy cruiser or a battleship. If they did not do this immediately Washington would release the "Evil Navy" from their holding pens in New York City. The "Evil Navy" consisted of five tigers and a cheetah, these days it is a title given to the least popular member of the Senate.

George Washington could personally declare war on "that scumbag who killed my partner" and in a vote ratified by the senate could become a "good cop turned bad". This was later overruled by the Supreme Court.

Washington served two terms as president and did not seek a third term. In 1796 Washington retired to private life and was succeeded as president by John Adams. He lived out his days quietly and peacefully until being murdered in his sleep by a cabal of Satanists and Free Masons.

Hello, Welcome to Gamestop

Hey fools, Captain Taylor here to give you a guide that will assist you in your quest to keep the job you have at Gamestop without going to prison for ripping the cash register out from the counter and smashing a customer over the head with it. My short guide to the different customers you will encounter will help you come up with a way of dealing with stupid customers so you won't have to use my method of dropping in from the ceiling and attacking them with ninja stars made out of folded business cards and staples.

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– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)