Amazon.com is killing the Amazon.

A dramatic re-enactment.Surprise surprise, a company has come out of the woodwork (literally) to tell us how much they hate oxygen. They hate it so much that they want to kill the rainforest to lower their DVD prices.

That's right readers, according to this article, Amazon.com hates the rainforest.

What does Amazon suggest? They want to kill the rainforest so they can keep selling things at lower prices. How do you feel about that double CD set of "The Essential Lynyrd Skynyrd" now that you know it was built with endangered monkey blood? Remember the hot dog costume you got for your dog Miko? Would you have bought it if you knew there wouldn't be any air left after Amazon.com? If you're like most Americans, you're more of an Ameridon't. As in, "I Ameridon't give a flying toot of about it. Get out of my way and let me watch my shampoo and salsa commercials." Well that's just how the corporations want it. Thank goodness I'm here.

Since I've grown a beard I've begun to see things in a new light. To top that off, I have lots of fancy words I got from my slam poetry friends to use on you. What does this all mean? It means you're gonna have to sit back and listen to the truth about what companies like Amazon.com are doing to the rainforest. First of all, they hate the ecosystem. If you ever make them watch Captain Planet or recycle paper, it burns them like a vampire when they touch sunlight. You know the main benefit of providing a business service online? You don't have to show what kind of horrible creature you may or may not be. In the case of Amazon.com, they are tree-eating carnivores who want nothing more than to sell us Amazon.com canned air. I'm sure they'd also like you to add "Amazon.com clean water" to your favorites list, too.

No dice, Amazon.com.

The people of Earth are onto your Martian plans to make this planet as terrible and ugly as your ability to deliver my DVD of "Manufacturing Consent" by Noam Chomsky. What? Are you afraid of the truth I might learn about the way the media (you) perverts and distorts human life? Fat chance, moneycheeks, I already read the book and my friend told me the gist of the "Communist Manifesto" just yesterday. I'm your worst nightmare.

Oh god, they're gonna kill that monkey while he's doing his homework!

Did you know that Amazon.com encourages the use of environmentally hazardous materials in its website design? Do you even know where its code comes from or what kind of terrible dyes and inks they use to keep the background so white? That's not a natural white. And if it is, you can trust me that it's incredibly harmful to both your eyes and the environment. I heard that a squirrel once read amazon.com for fifteen minutes and ended up going into a coma until that next spring. My friend read a blog that talked about it, and that guy talked to Michael Moore.

Robots don't know how to feel, how to love, or how to complain about things. I know how to do all of those, but I'm focusing all my effort into the last one to tell Amazon.com this: You will never get away with raping our mother Earth. Even though every other kid I know likes to just sit home and talk about if Samus or Megaman would win in a fight, they will rise up as one when they start to realize what you are up to.

I understand the way you feel, America. Sometimes I wake up and wonder why I was put here on this slogan-filled planet. Does anyone care about what I have to say? Does anyone care about my handmade bead necklaces? Sometimes I think everyone would prefer corporations to rule their lives. Sometimes I can't even believe the powers of Captain Planet and Zen the Intergalactic Ninja combined could stop companies like these.

Then I remember the little pandas, the little babies, and everything out there that I can save by getting people to hate an online store. So I say again, Amazon, do your worst. Send your lapdogs, your angry letters, your pictures of me with the words "stoopid hippie" underneath my face. I don't care. I'm going to be a martyr for the little babies and the pandas that will live on through my heroic deeds. You can send your mafia as well. I'm not afraid of them. Not only am I an expert at hiding after successfully not getting caught by the cops for drunken brawls at the McDonalds downtown at 10am, but guess what? I just got a paperback volume of "How to Be a Ninja" directly from you for 9.92 used. How does it feel to know I'm using your own weapons against you?

Proof, taken off my own computer, of what Amazon.com sells online.

To those who are willing to take up the fight like I am, remember my lessons. These business flunkies lack a few things: One, a beard. Two, an asian hippie girlfriend who doesn't shave her armpits. And three, the backbone to realize when what you are doing is killing the ecosystem and should be stopped. How do you use this to your advantage, moustache apprentice? You have to hit them where it hurts. Write them emails about how they are probably testing on animals and don't give a crap about people. If you can include a couple references to how using computers to run their business is just like owning slaves. This will confuse them and make them question their own morality.

Then you strike like a union worker who realizes their exploitation.

Start by hanging out with all the dreadlocked kids, nodding a lot and saying "right on" when they start talking about stuff. Even if they just sit and stare at their hands for a couple hours, tell them that they are teaching you about how to not conform to the corporate world that the man is pushing down on you. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Amazon.com's business practices are harmful to our way of life and this article just helps to reinforce this. Did you read the title? It's obvious. You don't even have to read the rest of it. We all know how businesses are trying to rob us out of our money. Don't become another number in the package tracking system. Don't let these machines and websites take control. Fight the e-power for the e-vironment.

The Sunday Snort Report

I have the fortune of trying out something different this time instead of a contest. Click here to see the very first Sunday Snort Report!

– Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson