I Am the Greatest Author Alive

How many classics have sweet full-color illustrations? Back at the end of September my first book, My Tank is Fight!, was released to massive sales and critical acclaim. Despite this, it reached a day-long high of about #15 on the Amazon bestseller list, demonstrating once again that some people just don’t know what’s good for them. An author constantly checks his Amazon page to see how his book is doing and they quickly memorize every detail of the page. For example, did you know that my book is the only military history book tagged as “gay porn”? It’s true!

One thing that has come to light over the past several weeks is the fact that my book is better than every other book on Amazon. I have all perfect five star reviews except for some vandalizing asshole who gave me a four star review out of spite. This places my book at the top of a select handful of five star books on Amazon and proves, once and for all, that I am the greatest author in history.

“Yeah, right,” you say, and I can understand your skepticism. There are dozens of books that are considered classics and you wonder how mine could be the best among them. Today, I will demonstrate why my book is the best and why I am the best writer to grace the face of the earth by using irrefutable and objective science. Today’s challengers will be “To Kill a Mockingbird” and “The Catcher in the Rye” as well as the entire top ten bestseller list. Get ready to have your reality turned upside down!

The Competitors

	My Tank is Fight!	The Catcher in the Rye	To Kill a Mockingbird
The Authors:	Zack Parsons, still alive, which means there could be a sequel.	J.D. Salinger, may have died 10 years ago, lived in a cave somewhere in New England and ate blind albino crabs.	Harper Lee, 80 years old, cannot use a computer and understands nothing about the post-9/11 world. Also a girl author.

Winner:My Tank is Fight! by Zack ParsonsBeing dead really only helps your work if you're a painter or a science classroom's skeleton. While neither Salinger or Lee are technically dead, they might as well be dead. I am, however, alive and downloading BitTorrents to this day.

Critical Review

	My Tank is Fight!	The Catcher in the Rye	To Kill a Mockingbird
Amazon Star Ratings:
Review Excerpts:	"What a great book. I actually ordered this book by mistake, thinking it was about dinosaurs, but I sure am glad it wasn't!" - Pen Name	"Boring. [...] it's not a something I would recommend anyone to read unless it was on their exam curriculum. Sorry." - Dr. Michael J. Atkins "mycool"	"Boring. [...] I could not drag myself to wade through page 40. It seems like a book with no clear objective to convey, it might have one, it failed to grap my attention." - Yoo-Win

Winner:My Tank is Fight! by Zack ParsonsAmazon Top 1000 Reviewer "Pen Name" ordered my book thinking it was a book about dinosaurs. What could be more exciting than a book about dinosaurs? Nothing, except for my book. Meanwhile, both Lee and Salinger are "Boring". Lee fails to grap Yoo-Win's attention and even a doctor like "mycool" couldn't get-a excited about Salinger's work. Neither of those guys are even Top 1000 Reviewers. Obviously, the people in the know don't care about Salinger and Lee's books.

Racism

	My Tank is Fight!	The Catcher in the Rye	To Kill a Mockingbird
Instances of the Word "Nigger":	0	4	121
Holocaust References:	2	0	0

Winner:My Tank is Fight! by Zack ParsonsNot only did I make two mentions of the Holocaust in my book, paying honor to all of the Jews and other dudes who died in that terrible tragedy, I also refrained from using the worst racial epithet ever in history. Salinger failed to acknowledge the sacrifice of the Jews at all, but he kept his usage of the word "nigger" as low as he could manage, which was still infinity percent higher than in my book. Harper Lee shunned the bravery of the Jewish people, and worse, spewed hatred against African Americans at every opportunity, filling nearly each page of her book with racial epithets. No wonder these two "classics" are rated lower than my book.

Action

	My Tank is Fight!	The Catcher in the Rye	To Kill a Mockingbird
Exploding Airplanes:	11	0	0
Exploding Tanks:	15+	0	0
Head Shots:	4	0	0
Nazi Space Stations:	1	0	0

Winner:My Tank is Fight! by Zack ParsonsShameful! I'm in the double digits on two of those, but it's like Harper Lee and J.D. Salinger aren't even trying to entertain their readers. I know both of them are probably going to die before they can find a publisher for their sequels, but let me offer a couple of suggestions: Lee, think Boom Radley, Special Forces. He's a demolitions expert and he has to work with a black guy (not a nigger) to rescue his kidnapped child. Salinger, do you know what a cortex bomb is? No? Doesn't matter. Holden Killfield is a bounty hunter in New Chiba. He has 72 hours to track down the scientist behind a bio-weapon or two ounces of explosives will detonate inside his brain. His special ability is that he can instantly tell whether or not someone is lying to him. Go. Hurry.

Controversy

	My Tank is Fight!	The Catcher in the Rye	To Kill a Mockingbird
School Library Bans:	0	73	14
Clown Porn Movies Reviewed by Author:	1	0	0

Winner:My Tank is Fight! by Zack ParsonsHere you can really see the impact that reviewing clown porn can have on an author's acceptance into school libraries. Scientists have long argued a correlation between the emotional trauma of witnessing a clown copulating and the mental fortitude required to write the best book of all time. My success in this category proves, at long last, that reviewing clown porn really will get your book into school libraries. You can return the grant money on that study, UCLA.

The indignity of my book's superiority is that it is not in the top ten list of Amazon bestsellers. In fact, as of this writing it is currently ranked a paltry 841 on their sales chart. That may be out of like ten billion books, but it is still lame because I believe I have clearly demonstrated why my book is the greatest book of all time. Because some of you are complete mental midgets incapable of making what is an empirically wise purchase, I have decided to take my statistics of greatness a step further and tackle all ten of the current bestsellers.

Inferior Bestsellers

#10	Ageless: The Naked Truth About Bioidentical Hormones By Suzanne Somers	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: Ageless? Suzanne Somers? She looks like a coin purse with dental implants and cow eyes. And what is that bullshit sub-title? "Bioidentical Hormones"? I get the feeling her book is sponsored by some wonderpill idiots with a website in the Czech Republic and a tendency to send emails that use numbers in place of letters. Great book to buy if you want to look like an aging suburban sow with a neon gullible streak. Everyone else should be indignant that this book has cracked the top ten bestsellers.
#9	The Biggest Loser Cookbook: More Than 125 Healthy, Delicious Recipes Adapted from NBC's Hit Show By Devin Alexander	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: Here's another book that will never help you lose weight, only this time it's based on a terrible TV show! Can anyone with an IQ above about 90 imagine sticking this book on your bookshelf? "Oh, that, it's just this cookbook based on this show that I would never admit to watching". Another shameful buttlog from the Hollywood cash sewer.
#8	The Intellectual Devotional: Revive Your Mind, Complete Your Education, and Roam Confidently with the Cultured Class By David Kidder	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: Jesus Fucking Christ, what fucking morons buy all of these self help books? There must be 40 of them on the Top 100 bestseller list. When people talk about "pulling yourself up by your boot straps" they didn't mean to literally build a ladder to the top out of the hundreds of worthless self help books you bought. The real mystery here is how people manage to distinguish this particular book from all of the others.
#7	America Alone: The End of the World as We Know It By Mark Steyn	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: On the inside flap of his book, Mark Steyn describes himself as "the most popular conservative columnist in the English-speaking world". He then proceeds to phone his way through a series of quaintly familiar talking points about how gays and Muslims are evil and liberals are going to let our churches be replaced with ziggurats. Guess what, Mark? Your myopic and lazy dipshit philosophy where the world consists of mustache twirling villains with scimitars and mincing homos with whistling lisps has been the ideology guiding our nation for half a decade...and it doesn't work. What a shock! I hope your next book is a 200 page apology letter for being a loud mouthed moron who indirectly contributed to getting tens of thousands of people killed with your Kindergarten insights about the geopolitical landscape. But no, I'm sure it will be more crybaby bullshit, only you'll be blaming everybody else for why your great ideas failed to save the world. Intolerable partisan horse apples with the depth and insight you have come to expect from poems about ass fucking on bathroom walls.
#6	The Law of Attraction: The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham By Esther Hicks	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: I already mentioned the Holocaust a couple times in my book, do the Jews really need a whole book of their own? Isn't international banking enough for them? I guess this isn't technically about the Holocaust, but I'm sure it comes up plenty during the course of the book. Hell, I can't order a bagel without hearing about the Holocaust and the guy who runs the bagel store is Vietnamese.
#5	The End (A Series of Unfortunate Events, Book 13) By Lemony Snicket	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: Now this is just insulting. There are thirteen of these books and they still manage to make the bestseller list? Lemony Snicket is probably a committee of Japanese businessmen sitting around a big table made out of black glass. I have never read any of these books, but I saw the commercials for the movie so I think I'm qualified to judge them as utter shit.
#4	The Innocent Man: Murder and Injustice in a Small Town By John Grisham	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: People love things safe and familiar. If they didn't, Grisham's career would begin and end with "The Firm". He's a competent author, but one would hope that his scheme of writing novels by using an eraser and pencil on his pervious manuscripts would eventually run him out of credibility.
#3	The God Delusion By Richard Dawkins	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: Sourpuss atheist Dawkins once again tells everyone who believes in any religion why they're wrong. His arguments about the esoteric aspects of atheism will never sway the believers and his attacks on organized religion are passé. You mean guys who pretend to hear god speak to them declaring wars is a bad thing? Welcome to a complaining peasant's conversation, circa 1050 AD. I hear the book has some pretty sweet color inserts of Pac Man being in your face about being an atheist.
#2	State of Denial: Bush at War, Part III By Bob Woodward	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: It was only a couple years ago, with Bush's approval ratings soaring through the clouds, that Woodward wrote his second slow and well-lubricated congratulatory handjob of a book about the Bush administration. With Bush's approval rating in the toilet of the worst bathroom in town, Woodward pulls out all of the dirt on Bush that we've heard rehashed a hundred times in a dozen books. I hope this is his last book. No, it's not because I think he's an overrated journalist still coasting on the story of the century that was handed to him by a confidential informant. It's because he is a tireless self-promoter and I don't think I can stand hearing his fucking quivering old man voice emerge from my television again.
#1	The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream By Barack Obama	Why My Tank is Fight! is superior: Democratic Great Auburn Hope Obama cobbles together a vague political bio for the sake of having an excuse to go on Larry King. I can't watch Larry King because his suspenders terrify me, but I'm sure they talked about Obama's rocky upbringing, overcoming drug addiction and his boundless optimism about the United States. Honestly, it's hard to dislike Obama, but I bet his book uses the word "nigger" a lot more than mine, proving once again that modern writing is a cesspit of racism.

In summary, the only logical thing to do is to purchase multiple copies of My Tank is Fight! It is a modern classic, superior in every way to moldering trash and fresh hotness alike and buying copies for your friends and family will enrich your life and the lives of everyone you touch.

If you are looking for a book to purchase in addition to My Tank is Fight!, then might I suggest Da Capo Best Music Writing 2006. It is a compilation of great music writing from 2006, and while most of it is complete garbage, it does feature a pair of articles by our very own Dr. David Thorpe. Because the overwhelming sweetness of my book might overpower your mental tastebuds, it is recommended that you cleanse the palate before reading Dr. Thorpe's book. Try something truly terrible, like a Thomas Friedman book.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)