Ain't Life Queer

WARNING:
Today's update uses the term "gay sex" and similar analogies an awful lot and should not be read by children under 30. If you are offended by the thought of gay sex, please stop reading this update and instead go watch pro wrestling or whatever ultra-heterosexual people do to keep their minds off the terribly homosexual concept of two sweaty men rubbing each other on a mat.

The cast from "Queer As Folk," in addition to a large, obnoxious, blue gay duck in the background. The aforementioned show is about homosexual people. I bet this comes as a surprise to you!

Emily and I have been doing a lot of research on gay men lately. Now before you have a chance to take that sentence out of context, let me take a moment to clarify things: Emily and I have been watching a lot of guys engage in homosexual intercourse. Okay, that didn't help much either... what I'm trying to say is that no matter what time we turn on the television, the hit Showtime series "Queer as Folk" is on and we invariably pass it on our way to find some shitty movie about Satanic high school history teachers. For those "straight as an arrow" types out there who only watch football and race monster trucks and stab each other in the face with guns for fun, "Queer As Folk" is an original Showtime program about five or six or perhaps 80 gay men who live in either Pittsburgh or Canada. These homosexual gentlemen spend the majority of each show dealing with homosexual gentlemen problems that straight people couldn't possibly ever understand, such as having sexual relationships with other men or having relationships which are sexual and involve men besides them. Due to our blatant heterosexuality, neither Emily or I possess the ability to figure out the purpose of the show or the many deep and meaningful analogies it presents on a weekly basis. We've seen the show roughly eleventy-billion times and still can't remember any of the characters' names. Regardless, I'm going to try to describe each main character while simply guessing their names.

Gay Dave: A brown-haired gentleman who is the main character and Fat Sarah's son. He likes comic books (I think) and Emily claims he's an architect. I don't remember if that's right or not, because I was under the impression he was a full-time gay person and therefore didn't have a side job. Being gay seems to generate a sufficient amount of money in this show.
Fat Sarah: Large, large, large doughy woman who owns a cafe and gave birth to Gay Dave some time ago. She is very proud of her gay son. She's under contractual obligation to remark "I am proud of my gay son" at least 500 times per episode, in addition to making candid references about gay sex and warning her son, friends, nearby kids, street signs, and passing air molecules about the dangers of AIDS and unprotected sex. She is also fat and dresses like a discarded 1967 Sears sofa that was decorated by Bozo the Clown after his sense of color was knocked out of his eyes by an errant wad of flying semen.
Prissy Penis Fan #1: Emily and I really hate this guy. He's tall, blond, and has a gap between his teeth the size of a grapefruit. This man has the most gay sex out of any character in this show, and that's really saying something because the average person in "Queer As Folk" sleeps with the population of Toledo every episode. Penis Fan #1 also has a terrible lisp which is, unfortunately, only silenced when male genitalia is in his mouth.
12-Year Old Blonde Bobby: He is a blond 12-year old. Everybody seems to use this guy for sex and then move on, as if he were a sexual toy or just another gay person that they have anonymous sex with and then move on from 18 minutes later. In one episode of the series, he was hit in the head with some anti-gay aluminum siding and he lost all his memories except for the memory of enjoying the company of men.
Gay Porn Larry: On the Gay-O-Meter, he ranks in between Gay Dave and Prissy Penis McSwallower, despite the fact that he operates a gay porn website and has an awful lot of gay sex. With gay men. In a gay fashion. If he was a buyer's description on eBay, he would read "VERY GAY! A+++++! WOULD BE GAY FROM AGAIN!!!! EXCELLENT GAYNESS!!!!!!" followed by the million exclamation points required to leave feedback.
AIDS Dude: His gimmick is having AIDS and looking haggard all day. He sits around the table and mopes a lot. When he somehow finds the energy to move to a new location, his face threatens to slide off his skull and fall to the floor. AIDS Dude is Fat Sarah's brother and she uses him as an example when speaking to the millions of other gay men who she speaks to on an hourly basis. "Now before you place your penis up that man's ass," she'll warn, "put on a condom or else you'll get the AIDS like my brother here!" She'll then point to AIDS Dude and he'll weakly wave, sending out waves of AIDS atoms throughout the air. Surrounding gay men must duck and cover to avoid contracting the deadly virus.

This evil pet is queer, at least according to Google's image search engine.

There are various other people that we can't remember, but we're not going to bother listing them here because we can't remember who they are. As you can tell by all the stupid nonsense I've already written, Emily and I don't really know much about the gay community and glean all our knowledge from this single show, a bastion of information regarding the homosexual lifestyle. To this day, I haven't experienced the pleasure of having sex with a man, and some of you might argue that neither has Emily. Ha ha, that's just a little joke there at the expense of my dwindling masculinity! Thanks for playing along! Despite this remarkable lack of knowledge, I feel I can confidently describe each and every homosexual person in the world based off the limited information presented weekly on "Queer As Folk":

The only thing on a gay person's mind is gay sex. If they aren't having gay sex, they're thinking of having gay sex. If they aren't thinking of having gay sex, then they're not gay. Or they're dead.
As mentioned before, "being homosexual" is an acceptable fulltime occupation and apparently pays very well. Nobody on this show ever works, and if they do, they just work on perfecting their oral technique if you catch my drift, huh huh hurrh, you know, because they're gay and that was a hilarious joke hinting at their sexual activity, hur hurr. I would imagine the worst aspect of this scenario revolves around the fact that your business card would look pretty silly. It would read something like "Joe Hornblow: Professional Queer" and would be frilly pink with holograms of Bette Midler popping out and gallivanting around. Also, you'd probably be pretty embarrassed putting your business cards in the "Give Us Your Card and Win a Free Sloppy Joe at Marty's Ant-Infested Kitchen" raffle bowl during lunch break, not that you need a break during the tedious job of not being heterosexual. I'm naturally assuming your name is Joe Hornblow, which is pretty funny in itself if you ask me.
The city of Pittsburgh, which could possibly also be Canada, is completely and inexplicably full of gay men. If you ever make the mistake of leaving your scenic Pittsburgh / Canadian apartment, you will instantly be caught in a torrential tidal wave of homosexual men flowing down the street, eventually depositing into a gay reservoir outside of a Judy Garland shrine five miles away. This queer river only pauses to allow life partners the chance to randomly begin humping each other in broad daylight, which gay people really enjoy doing for no apparent reason. Maybe it's because of that whole "gay sex" mindset that I stated in my first point. Nah, that would make too much sense; I'll instead blame UFOs or the Jews.
Any party involving gay people will, at some point in time, turn into an orgy. It doesn't matter if it's a Superbowl celebration, New Year's Eve, or 12-year old child's birthday party, the event will eventually turn into an orgy where all the lights suddenly turn red and look like a darkroom after the Kool-Aid Man's internal organs exploded everywhere. If you're straight and are invited to a gay man's party for his parents' 30-year anniversary, don't bother showing up unless you really have the hots for his dad and aging golf partners.
Every gay club in the world owns one and only one CD, a disc entitled "TRANCE-A-HOLIC TECHNO BEAT CLUB HAPPYCORE TRANCE NATION DRUMSTEP BIG BEAT DISCO REMIX FEVER." This CD has three tracks, all of which have the same four-on-the-floor rhythm that loops for roughly 100 minutes and is accompanied by a woman moaning, "ooohhhh ahhhh oowwweeeeee!" at random intervals while a $199 Roland "DJ In a Box" synth plays up to three different minor chords. Homosexuals love this CD; it's like turning on a porch light and watching the waves of June Bugs and moths fly in and and start making out with each other.

OH HELL YES

With this slew of information in mind, and oh let me assure you it's quite a slew, I feel I know enough about the show "Queer As Folk" and the gay culture in general to submit an entry into Showtime's "Queer As Folk Fan Fiction Contest," which is probably one of the worst ideas currently on the Internet. That's right, they're sponsoring a contest that encourages people to write horrible stories revolving around the main characters in a show revolving around gay sex. ON THE INTERNET. I pity the people who have to wade through the invariable "fags sux, lol," "u sux fags, lol," "lol, fags u sux," and "lol lol lol sux u lol fags u lol a fags sux lol" emails they'll get from particularly witty Counter-Strike fans and Fark forum members. Emily and I have decided to enter this contest and win the grand prize, although I don't know what the grand prize is or if it involves me forcibly using liberal amounts of anal lube. First off is Emily's entry, which is here in its entirety:

Brad looked into Greg's eyes and had ass-sex with him. The end. Then they went into the cafe and found Pete and they had ass-sex with him.

Now I don't want to be too harsh on Emily, particularly since she had no idea I was going to take her candid quote and enter it to the contest, but I think her creative writing is really lacking in just about every aspect besides the raw quota of "ass-sex." Unfortunately, "ass-sex" is the only thing that apparently matters with this show, so she'll probably win. Regardless, I wanted to add a touch of intrigue and dignity to the contest even if it's at the expense of losing because I'm one of those guys who stand up for my principles and beliefs unless somebody is offering me a lot of money to do something to the contrary. I present to you my entry in the "Queer As Folk Fanfiction Contest":

It was a windy day in Pittsburgh / Canada. The wind was blowing hard. So was Gay Dave, who was having sex with this dude who was like totally muscular and buff and stuff and the guy's like "oh baby" and "oh yeah" and stuff. Then Gay Dave left and went to the cafe to meet with Gay Bart and Gay Joe. Then Dave's mom was like "oh why aren't you out at the Club Twink?" and Dave was like "oh shoot, I forgot, they're having the Gay Man of the Year contest today!" and his mom was like "oh you'd better go then, you'll win for sure, you're the best fag out there, oh snap!" So they left and went to the club and it was playing totally radical music which was all like BOOM-CHICKA-BOOM-CHICKA and a hot black guy was wearing a cowboy hat and leather vest and he looked really hot and he was dancing. Okay, then the announcer came on stage and said "the winner of the Gay Man contest is GAY DAVE!" and GAY DAVE WON!!! He was totally surprised and he got the award and danced. There was a lot of colored lights. Then he went home and had sex with Gay Pete and Gay Gary. While he was having totally hot sex, his cool car got spray painted by punk racist skinhead Nazi KKK dudes who wrote "QUEER GO HOME" and OMG it was totally a hate crime. So Gay Dave and Gay Marly went to the cops but the cops didn't take them seriously because the cops hate minorities and gay people and vampires and other stuff they don't understand. FACISTS!!! So they built a rocket and went to the moon and had sex like a lot of times and then solved a crime. THE END.

As Wario would say, "I'm-a gonna WEEN!" But then again, Wario cheats at Mario Party 4, so there's absolutely no reason we should pay attention to anything that fat shithead has to say. I think today's update has provided you, the user, with enough information to understand the homosexual culture and consequently write your own fan fiction about it. If you're reading this update Showtime, and I just know you are, please give me all of the money and I'll write a few episodes of "Queer As Folk" for you. All you guys need to do is build a set of the moon and a few hundred tentacle penis aliens and we'll be in business. GAY business.

Another Trip into the Dark Bowels of the Goldmine

You know what they say about a thousand slave-laborer workers doing the work of 5,000 card-carrying union members for 1/258th of the price! If you don't you will sooner than you might expect, at least believe me when I say that. The goons of the Something Awful Forums are sort of like slave labor in that they consistently turn out funny material for the site even if they have to work long hours with no bathroom breaks or meals to do it. Make sure you bring your gas-sniffing canary along, because this week's Goldmine theme is, "Misinterpreted Items from the News!"

TanksALot: North Korea Launches Nuke Program

It just gets better and better, folks. Come and see for yourselves and have the time of your lives! Well, maybe not the time of your lives. At least, hopefully not the time of your lives because that would be pretty sad. But you should read it anyway, because it's funny and stuff.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)